I had a very distant relationship with my dad. Not abusive, just not the relationship I wanted to have with him. He was never the loving father. He was very self-centered. It was very hard at the end. He had moved from MD to VA and when it was evident that he was unable to live on his own due to dementia, I moved him to an assisted living facility closer to me. His desire was to remain at home, but I just couldn't do it. I resented all of the calls needing assistance, day and night. But I did it. Did I pray that he would die peacefully, yes. Did I feel guilty, not really. I knew he was not living the life he wanted. I hated every minute of it. It was a horrible time. I know now, that I should have taken FMLA. If I am still working when my mom needs care, I will be doing that.

Anonymous wrote:It's all very emotional, confusing, exhausting, and disorienting. It's grief and saddness and anger...all wrapped up into one big cluster.

If you have faced a similar experience...what was it like for you?

It is nothing for me. My father was abusive, mean, and horrible, not to mention controlling and manipulative. He continues this to this day (from what i hear second-hand. I do not have anything to do with him).

He married a woman (after divorcing from my mother) who he didn't really love b/c he was starting to have health problems and "need someone to take care of him." I kind of feel bad for the lady. He has had multiple heart attacks, among other things, stemming from a chronic condition he could have easily managed but did not. He's mid-70's now, but a rough mid-70's, and is starting to get dementia from what I hear. I couldn't care less. I don't wish him ill but neither do I GAF.

He ofc takes no responsibility for his actions. He now mere tells my sibling that we will "get nothing in the will" from him. BFD. He can die with his last penny in his hand as far as I'm concerned.

I kept my distance. She died without me there and it’s great or I could have told her things I would end up regretting

Anonymous wrote:My mom just died. I have mixed feelings. It wasn’t always bad, but there was a lot of nastiness mixed in with okay times. She was a great grandparent. I didn’t want her to suffer, but she was always difficult, and it was many years of trying to advocate for her in a nursing home and being glad when it wasn’t my turn to visit. It’s relief now, but a reawakening of the trauma, and still wanting to tell her something.

I’m sorry for your loss and I understand.

My mom just died. I have mixed feelings. It wasn’t always bad, but there was a lot of nastiness mixed in with okay times. She was a great grandparent. I didn’t want her to suffer, but she was always difficult, and it was many years of trying to advocate for her in a nursing home and being glad when it wasn’t my turn to visit. It’s relief now, but a reawakening of the trauma, and still wanting to tell her something.

I just had a meeting with an elder law attorney and my mother. Attorney was great. My mom’s behavior was appalling. She was nasty. So hostile. It was all the stuff I’ve been seeing and dealing with, but having the attorney experience it too made something in me snap. I felt different by the end of the meeting.

PP’s comment: “Too bad, so sad, not my problem” is exactly how I feel right now. Maybe I’ll come around. Maybe I’ll be able to reset at some point. But right now I can’t imagine that.

I just want to get through the stuff that’s coming down the pike with minimal emotional investment. Maybe I can do what needs to be done without putting too much of myself into it. The “lead with love” stuff isn’t getting us anywhere anyway.

Venting, that’s all.

Too bad, so sad. Not my problem. As an adult, they set the tone for the relationship.