So, not to scare you, OP, but your mother sounds as if she has some sort of cognitive decline herself. Not the same sort of dementia maybe, but a real disease that is unrelated to her living conditions. I've known several spouses of people with dementia, and they all begged for help and knew exactly what the situation was. The denial is very concerning.

You should call their county's eldercare office or whatever it's called and ask what they can do. Where I live, the county can do welfare checks, send people who are unable to care for themselves to homes, and go to court to appoint a caretaker for their estate. Usually it happens when a person is sent to hospital and it transpires that they don't have adequate care to go home, but you can try in this situation.

I think he needs to go into a home, OP. Your mother is not safe there.

You need to talk to your mother and tell her this is beyond any one person's ability to cope. Even with medication, he's not safe to stay at home with just your mother. He would need round the clock care.

My brother was diagnosed with FTD in his 40s. It is very different from AD, and FTD at that age is not considered early onset, it typically is diagnosed between 40-65yrs.

He lost his ability to communicate due to aphasia. His behavior became bizarre and unregulated. He is now in diapers and unable to care for himself at all. He has seizures. He sleep a lot, but maybe that is due in part to the meds, which are mainly to control his mood. So far my SIL has been able to keep him at home but the doctor said it won’t be for much longer that she can do that. She has daily help and special equipment in her home.

The prognosis and lifespan for FTD are different than they are for AD. Your mom may expect a pattern more like AD, many doctors aren’t very good about communicating what FTD is like and patients only hear the word “dementia.” You can make sure she has a full
understanding of what to expect, connect her up with national and any local groups, help her scout out care at home, check into insurance to see what they will cover, see if there are any free dementia day care services to help with costs. My brother was by far the youngest in the dementia day care but the people who ran it were good and he believed he was there to help out which made him look forward to it. That’s when he was still at least a little verbal though.

I am sorry OP, it is a brutal disease, progresses more quickly and leads to death more quickly than AD.

I hope you can help her get involved in support groups and help her find services so she isn’t scrambling once things get bad. It is a tough road to be on.

Anonymous wrote:Re angry stage and outbursts, it may help you OP to read the 7 stages of Alzheimer’s in the internet. There are subcategories in each stage. My own mom is stage 7(a). It will help you understand the outbursts and also what to expect. Also read The 36 Hour Day

Her dad has FTD though, not Alz

Re angry stage and outbursts, it may help you OP to read the 7 stages of Alzheimer’s in the internet. There are subcategories in each stage. My own mom is stage 7(a). It will help you understand the outbursts and also what to expect. Also read The 36 Hour Day

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the empathic feedback.

I did speak to my mother on the phone today and she is in what sounds like abject denial about my father’s dementia. I did warn her that I am withdrawing all support as long as they are making baseless accusations against me due to their extreme paranoia and delusions about events. I also warned her that I could not see her in person until she is honest about their medical problems and stop the paranoid threats.

She has the ability to reach out for professional help but hasn’t hit rock bottom yet so I can’t insist that she seek help.

I’ve been to therapy for a long enough time that these phone conversations no longer drain me like they used to.

She's hit rock bottom and is overwhelmed and scared. Part of dementia is this behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe people last that long once they get like that. Hopefully not more than five more years of his suffering through this.

My MIL lasted about 10 years. This is early onset. Its different.

The angry phase does abate after some time and the person becomes physically weaker as well. One thing is not engage or correct--we were told to say "Let's talk about something else" and that worked surprisingly well.

Thank you all for the empathic feedback.

I did speak to my mother on the phone today and she is in what sounds like abject denial about my father’s dementia. I did warn her that I am withdrawing all support as long as they are making baseless accusations against me due to their extreme paranoia and delusions about events. I also warned her that I could not see her in person until she is honest about their medical problems and stop the paranoid threats.

She has the ability to reach out for professional help but hasn’t hit rock bottom yet so I can’t insist that she seek help.

I’ve been to therapy for a long enough time that these phone conversations no longer drain me like they used to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is your father still drinking? If so there is not much you can do.

If so I'd recommend AlAnon for you.

Can you take Mom out for lunch to get her away for a bit.

I think so but I don’t visit often due to his rage outbursts. When I visited around the holidays, there was alcohol in the house.

My mother won’t go anywhere without him. I think she is concerned about leaving him alone.

He does see a doctor but they don’t communicate with me about medical care. They just complain about me and blame me for everything from the price of prescription drugs to inflation.

OP I agree with the PP cautioning against too much interference and hope. You're not going to change them at this point. The only thing you can change and control is yourself and your expectations. So therapy for dealing with all their blame and complaints and as an outlet for all your own emotions. Clearly there is history here. I'm glad to hear you already have boundaries in place about not visiting when he is abusive. Stay strong - you are 100% in the right here.

Your mom has been making these decisions all her life and won't change now. If she bleeds herself dry like the giving tree, it is her choice. I like the idea of having groceries sent or handling other parts of her life to make things easier for her. Maybe takeout deliveries once a week? I recently took over bill paying for my mom because my dad has FTP too and she had never handled finances before. I set up online accounts and can handle it all from my house without having to visit. She is happy to have the responsibility off her shoulders.

Good luck OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get your mom a housekeeper, gardener, grocery delivery, etc. Make her life easier in every way.

Dad can get on anti-anxiety meds and memory drugs to make sure things don't get worse right away. The memory drugs will just keep things from progressing for a 1-3 months but it can help.

Find a community they can move to where she can have the life she deserves while your dad can get some help.

Do they have friends? Does your dad or mom have siblings?

My mother has two friends. Her siblings have died.

My father had a falling out with his brother when his parents died three decades ago and they haven’t spoken since.

But I am grateful for some of the suggestions and thoughts on here from PPs. This is new to me. I haven’t had a relative with noticeable dementia before.

I'm going to caution you about some of the suggestions above having been through this. My mother HATED having more people in the house. She had a housekeeper and someone to do landscape stuff, but aides infuriated her which is why daycare helped.

Also, friends and siblings don't want to be involved more than they are. They have their own challenges. It's depressing for them. You cannot ask them to take on caregiver roles even for a few hours unless they offer to help. People have these dreams of a village, but unless the person was incredibly giving and a lot of people feel indebted they aren't going to do more than visit now and then and maybe bring a meal occasionally and that is worthy of gratitude. Villages built through give and take not mostly take.

The find a community they can move to where mom magically makes all these friends and dad gets ideal care is magical thinking. They should have done that years ago so they could build a network while still capable. Even if they can afford this dream place people are not looking to make friends where it is all give and no mutuality. I would suggest instead mom be in a caregiver support group because it is very helpful to bond with people in a similar situation.

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Can they consult with a social worker to see what they recommend? Sometimes there are services in the community to provide respite care, senior ‘daycare’, etc

Senior daycares are awesome and we used one, but I don't think they take someone who can be physically abusive. (They also don't deal with elopement if that is an issue). I did call the Alzheimers numbers too to brainstorm and get sympathy.

Have a plan that if he ends up in the hospital for a fall or something mom needs to be on board with insisting on a placement and not having him come back home if it's unsafe for her.

Call the council on aging in their area to see what is offered. You can have adult protective services evaluate for free, but it takes a while. It's not CPS where it's just about abuse. Its about general safety too and they can keep checking back if needed.

The medicines helped my father a lot. While I don’t see the point of medicine that slows the progression for a violent person with FTD who is sucking the life out of the spouse and attacks his child, the other meds could at least calm him.

There’s no coming back from FTD so not sure why prolonging such a bad existence is what people here would advise.

Anonymous wrote:Get your mom a housekeeper, gardener, grocery delivery, etc. Make her life easier in every way.

Dad can get on anti-anxiety meds and memory drugs to make sure things don't get worse right away. The memory drugs will just keep things from progressing for a 1-3 months but it can help.

Find a community they can move to where she can have the life she deserves while your dad can get some help.

Do they have friends? Does your dad or mom have siblings?

My mother has two friends. Her siblings have died.

My father had a falling out with his brother when his parents died three decades ago and they haven’t spoken since.

But I am grateful for some of the suggestions and thoughts on here from PPs. This is new to me. I haven’t had a relative with noticeable dementia before.

I don't believe people last that long once they get like that. Hopefully not more than five more years of his suffering through this.