Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 10:00     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that my 13 YO DD was drinking at a friend's sleepover. I was outraged and took her phone away. Once I started going through her phone I realized this was not the first time it happened and there have been times when they snuck out, met up with boys, and did inappropriate sexual activities. Obviously she is grounded with no phone or outings for a very long time, but seeking advise as to what other disciplinary measures I should take. We've had many conversations that this was not appropriate behavior and she's too young for all of this. She seems truly sorry for her actions and realizes it was wrong.

Any advise on how we course correct and get her back on the right track? I am still in shock.


Get her in therapy and move to a new area with new schools.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:59     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?


I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.


Well then, that makes it okay.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:59     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.


Family therapy, stat. No punishment. Acknowledging to her that it's been really hard the past few years and you recognize that you have been ignoring her needs. Tell her specific steps you are making to change that.

I also have an autistic child and a NT 13 year old. It's hard to balance everyone's needs. But this is what happens when you don't.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:59     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?


I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.


And a large portion are not.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:59     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.


If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?


Unless there is a large age gap, it is likely that she wasn’t aware of the special needs of the older child when she had the younger one.

OP- PPs are being incredibly harsh and smug, wanting to believe that this would never be their kid. You now know what is going on, and it sounds like taking her phone and essentially grounding her is the right move.

I agree with finding and activity to keep her busy — though not sure you can just put a 13 YO into a sport that will keep them busy all the time unless they have been playing that sport for awhile and can play at a club/travel level.


NP
Wow! Excuse maker condemning those who are parenting and there for their children.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:58     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:That’s more like behavior of 16 year old. What the hell was op doing or not doing?


I hate to break it to you, but I’d say a large portion of the 14 year freshman at our daughters high school are engaging in the exact same behaviors.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:57     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.


If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?


Knock it off. You are way out of line.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:56     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.


If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?


Unless there is a large age gap, it is likely that she wasn’t aware of the special needs of the older child when she had the younger one.

OP- PPs are being incredibly harsh and smug, wanting to believe that this would never be their kid. You now know what is going on, and it sounds like taking her phone and essentially grounding her is the right move.

I agree with finding and activity to keep her busy — though not sure you can just put a 13 YO into a sport that will keep them busy all the time unless they have been playing that sport for awhile and can play at a club/travel level.


Not being aware of the special needs child when having her younger child is not an excuse to abandon the care of the younger child.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:54     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.


If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?


Unless there is a large age gap, it is likely that she wasn’t aware of the special needs of the older child when she had the younger one.

OP- PPs are being incredibly harsh and smug, wanting to believe that this would never be their kid. You now know what is going on, and it sounds like taking her phone and essentially grounding her is the right move.

I agree with finding and activity to keep her busy — though not sure you can just put a 13 YO into a sport that will keep them busy all the time unless they have been playing that sport for awhile and can play at a club/travel level.

Lots of kids don’t do this. Parenting appropriately is not smug.
Op has admitted she is neglecting her child.
You give a pass to op for essentially abusing her. Not okay and you should be ashamed.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:51     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.


If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?


Unless there is a large age gap, it is likely that she wasn’t aware of the special needs of the older child when she had the younger one.

OP- PPs are being incredibly harsh and smug, wanting to believe that this would never be their kid. You now know what is going on, and it sounds like taking her phone and essentially grounding her is the right move.

I agree with finding and activity to keep her busy — though not sure you can just put a 13 YO into a sport that will keep them busy all the time unless they have been playing that sport for awhile and can play at a club/travel level.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:51     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
New school is okay, but it would be better to tell her no contact with this crowd. This is the "fast" crowd or the "cool" crowd that puts a lot of peer pressure on the vulnerable. Get her busy with sports activities that are well supervised. She probably will actually welcome more boundaries.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:48     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
If special needs child needs too much attention, how is this going to get better?
You’ll punish 13 year old and still have to take care of her older sister, continuing the neglect of the punished child.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:46     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.


You cannot neglect a child this age for another. And you knew this older child requires it.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:45     Subject: Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
Anonymous wrote:Op here, yes we are looking at other school options for next year. I realize I have failed as a parent, but hoping there is still time to get both of us back on track. I have an older special needs daughter who required a lot of my attention the past few years. It's not an excuse but it's been really hard.


If you have an older special needs child, you knew how much care it took. You chose to bring into your life another child that you were aware that you couldn’t take care of. Why would you do that?
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 09:44     Subject: Re:Caught 13 YO DD drinking w/ friends, how to handle
I remember sneaking out from a friend’s house at 13 and getting in trouble, and we weren’t allowed to hang out anymore. It worked.