Sounds like it is your boundary and not hers and she’s not on board despite your claim that is was previously agreed to. It’s not being followed now. You’re not a united front in front of your kids. The clock is staring at her in the face when she’s scrolling her phone. She doesn’t respect you anymore and your relationship is headed for the toilet.

Why didn’t you just go in the room and say “hey kids, head towards your rooms.” This all sounds ridiculous. You sound very passive aggressive. Use your words.

And I wonder if these kids want more time and attention. My kid that will be 12 next month still loves to be “put to bed.” She wants me to help her pick out her outfit for the next day, read to her and talk about various things. I’m a big believer is her being in bed around 8:30 because of how important sleep is, but I’m not losing my mind if it drifts towards 9pm because we are having fun, doing homework, etc.

While it’s important to set boundaries and communicate them, as you have, there also seems to be a lack of flexibility in this dynamic; you are very regimented, and perhaps bottled up, in the sense that you didn’t just say ”okay kids, I am wiped and need to read my book and pass out. Time to take the party elsewhere,” (or something like that), with a bit of levity. Why were you waiting for you wife to say something, and why were you communicating with pointed stares? And 5 times a year does not seem like a big deviation from the norm (although your wife should have handled it differently. I imagine she was irritated).

I am just like you op and I'm trying to change. I come across like a controlling buzzkill because I can be very rigid, especially when I'm tired. I don't like my kids in my room after 9:00 during the week and I tell them that explicitly. But I also realize that my 12 yo will be out of the house in 6 years and I'm trying to savor the time. You said the kids were distracting you not that you were concerned about their sleep, so be honest about your motivation. Do you have a good relationship with them otherwise?

OP, you sound like a rigid buzzkill who doesn’t parent/enforce at least in this case.

Did you actually both mutually agree to 8:30, or did you hound and harangue her and she just agreed so you’d let her be?

Also, were you secretly hoping for intimacy? Nobody wants to be intimate with a seething killjoy.

Passive aggressive much?

And yes, I’m posting this at 1am. I’ve been sick for the last two weeks with a respiratory infection and lost a lot of sleep. I went to bed last night at 7:30 and just woke up at 12:30 to use the toilet and blow my nose.

I’m going back to sleep now and will be up at 5:30 to get ready for school, so I’ll have a total of ~9 hours sleep under my belt - adding a little extra for a week or so to help recover from days of sleep deficit while sick.

At school tomorrow morning I will watch many of my little students show up with dark circles under their eyes and telling me how they didn’t get a good night’s sleep. At least half of them tell me that every morning during the before school program.

There is a crisis of mental health in our children at present, and many parents point to social media for that crisis. There is definitely a lot that is toxic about social media, but as someone working with kids I contend that sleep deprivation is a primary cause of the mental health crisis in child populations. The CDC link I posted above shows how high the rates of sleep deprivation among children are.

As someone who suffered terrible chronic insomnia during perimenopause and consequently the bleakest depression of my life - suicidal depression, in fact - which was cured when I got my sleep back, I can attest to the importance of sleep to keep a healthy brain.

Too many parents these days don’t want to say ‘no’ to their kids. They don’t want to say no to themselves often, either. Kids should have an early bedtime that allows them sufficient time to be meeting the AASM sleep recommendations and that should include putting digital devices in the family digital locker at bedtime and/or shutting down the wifi, and no TVs in bedrooms. We have a mental health epidemic because people are not sleeping!

Anonymous wrote:8:30 is NOT too early for a 12 year old’s bedtime. The American Academy of Sleep Doctors recommended 9-12 hours of sleep every 24 hours for a child of that age. If they need to be up at 6am, 8:30 is a perfectly sound bedtime assuming it might take them up to an hour to actually be asleep in their beds.

OP in this day and age of endless digital entertainment, MANY parents are letting their kids be sleep deprived and it shows in school settings where teachers like me have to deal with cranky overtired kids who struggle to focus and learn. Don’t listen to the ‘parents’ here suggesting your 12 year olds should be up later than the very reasonable bedtime you and their mom have agreed to. Staying up a little later on the weekends occasionally is okay, but even then sleep hygiene works best when it is adhered to regularly- that’s how we keep our brains healthy.

And no, it’s not okay for mom to blame you and make you the bad guy around bedtime or any other discipline.

https://www.cdc.gov/healthyschools/features/students-sleep.htm#:~:text=The%20American%20Academy%20of%20Sleep,10%20hours%20per%2024%20hours.

8:30 is NOT too early for a 12 year old’s bedtime. The American Academy of Sleep Doctors recommended 9-12 hours of sleep every 24 hours for a child of that age. If they need to be up at 6am, 8:30 is a perfectly sound bedtime assuming it might take them up to an hour to actually be asleep in their beds.

OP in this day and age of endless digital entertainment, MANY parents are letting their kids be sleep deprived and it shows in school settings where teachers like me have to deal with cranky overtired kids who struggle to focus and learn. Don’t listen to the ‘parents’ here suggesting your 12 year olds should be up later than the very reasonable bedtime you and their mom have agreed to. Staying up a little later on the weekends occasionally is okay, but even then sleep hygiene works best when it is adhered to regularly- that’s how we keep our brains healthy.

And no, it’s not okay for mom to blame you and make you the bad guy around bedtime or any other discipline.

Outside of this situation, are you generally the buzz kill? Sounds like your wife is fun and enjoys her kids. She didn’t do anything egregious. You sound like a dud. Let us know how your relationship with them is in 10 years. Bet they call mom and not you.

I don’t like how your wife phrased it, but I’m not sure why you put her in the pole position to manage the kids and by extension your needs. Tell the kids it’s bedtime if you notice it’s their bedtime.

But what she said is true. You didn’t want them in the room.

If this is occasional, let them have the special moments before it's too late

You sound like a storm cloud rolling in over a merry picnic. You have some points but I guess I identify with the dw too much in this scenario. I have 9pm bedtime for 12yo and I hear it's apparently the earliest of anyone they know. When are other 12 yo kids going to bed?