Anonymous
02/14/2024 13:36
Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this at all. I want my kids to be happy. Whether or not they have children is irrelevant.
I have never in my life thought "wow, I can't wait until I have grandchildren."
Why did you have kids?
Anonymous
02/14/2024 12:31
Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.
DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.
How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?
That's some effective birth control right there.
Anonymous
02/14/2024 12:28
Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
You are the one being selfish.
Anonymous
02/14/2024 12:26
Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
I don't understand this at all. I want my kids to be happy. Whether or not they have children is irrelevant.
I have never in my life thought "wow, I can't wait until I have grandchildren."
I have never in my life thought "wow, I can't wait until I have grandchildren."
Anonymous
02/14/2024 12:12
Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
I’m going to guess OP was a SAHM focused on her kids throughout her life, and biding her time until grandkids came along. I think you need some hobbies OP something that interests you and you can devote your time and energy to. Your adult kids are making reasoned decisions for themselves and are self aware enough to know what they want and how to build their life. I applaud that. Shift your focus, DO Something else, stop talking about it with them, it is what it is. Get over it.
Anonymous
02/14/2024 12:10
Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:DD has said she was a teen that she didn't want kids. Ha-ha ok you will change your mind is what everyone always told her. No, she's never wavered. She's in her late 20s and has been married for 3 years now (with her husband for 8 years total). She just told me that she found a doctor who was willing to do a tubal ligation so she could be done with birth control. It felt like a gut punch when she told me.
DS is in his early 30s and is getting married this fall. He's been with his fiancée for 4 years and they too have told us they have zero desire for kids. I thought for sure they would have kids as she's an elementary teacher and works at a kids camp in the summer.
How do I get over these feelings of failure? I know I raised great kids but at the same time, I feel like both are being selfish and it makes me angry. Is this something therapy helps with?
You are not the center of this universe, this has nothing to do with what you did or want or hope, its about their lives, their partners, their futures and their preferences. Its and odd and not a good enough reason to have kids to fulfill grandma's dreams or to certify her parenting.
Anonymous
02/14/2024 11:57
Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:Such hypocritical replies. This board is populated with women who are probably the biggest social conservatives in the Western hemisphere (so many threads are about catching high-value men who can afford a SAHM) and for sure would be devastated if they didn't have grandkids. But it's easy to judge OP as regressive when her desires are in fact aligned with the general sentiments prominent on this board. Also, I can't believe that helicopter parents who spend so much time/resources on kids wouldn't be disappointed with OP's scenario.
I think if OP had posted that she was sad she wouldn't become a grandmother, she would have gotten a more sympathetic response. Instead, she called her kids selfish and says she failed (making it about her).
Anonymous
02/14/2024 11:55
Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
I understand wanting to be around kids when you’re older. Think about all the things you wanted to do with grandchildren/the meaning you wanted. Are there other ways to get these benefits? Teaching sunday school, volunteering with kids, etc.
I’m in a vaguely similar position: My husband doesn’t want a second child, but I still want to have a role in more children’s lives.
I’m in a vaguely similar position: My husband doesn’t want a second child, but I still want to have a role in more children’s lives.
Anonymous
02/14/2024 11:54
Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Look at what's happening in the world. It's a difficult time to be a parent. And being a good parent takes a lot of work. I don't blame them one bit.
Anonymous
02/14/2024 11:54
Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
OP, don't read the haters.
Not having children is in the zeitgeist right now. This phenomenon is bigger than your family, unfortunately.
Hugs.
Not having children is in the zeitgeist right now. This phenomenon is bigger than your family, unfortunately.
Hugs.
Anonymous
02/14/2024 11:51
Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
I think a lot of young adults grew up in households with lots of pressure to be the best, to go to the best schools, to pursue the best career, and felt the stress of that for years. They also observed their parents either pushing them, managing them, and trying to handle their own careers while balancing finances and parenting. Some young adults don’t want that to be their lifestyle for the next 20 years and prefer to just focus on their careers and spouse with a more relaxed pace.
Anonymous
02/14/2024 11:49
Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
If you asked my mother, she'd have said she was a very good mother and tried VERY hard with us. My brother and I would strongly disagree.
A not-insignificant part of why I don't want kids IS the worry I'd be the kind of parent she was. There are other reasons of course, but that one is there.
A not-insignificant part of why I don't want kids IS the worry I'd be the kind of parent she was. There are other reasons of course, but that one is there.
Anonymous
02/14/2024 11:45
Subject: Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Oof the irony here. You are actually the selfish one OP, for wanting your kids to do something that serves you and not them.
But that said, I would be very sad if I was not a grandparent. So I understand how you got here.
Now your job is to have a pity party and move on. This is YOUR loss. And it's a significant one. But it is not their job to give you grandchildren.
Get therapy.
Figure out how to fill the void.
But do not put it on them.
I have a few relatives that struggle with this and some handle it better than others. In the difficult cases, it puts a real bitter distance between adult patent and adult child.
But that said, I would be very sad if I was not a grandparent. So I understand how you got here.
Now your job is to have a pity party and move on. This is YOUR loss. And it's a significant one. But it is not their job to give you grandchildren.
Get therapy.
Figure out how to fill the void.
But do not put it on them.
I have a few relatives that struggle with this and some handle it better than others. In the difficult cases, it puts a real bitter distance between adult patent and adult child.
Anonymous
02/14/2024 11:40
Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Such hypocritical replies. This board is populated with women who are probably the biggest social conservatives in the Western hemisphere (so many threads are about catching high-value men who can afford a SAHM) and for sure would be devastated if they didn't have grandkids. But it's easy to judge OP as regressive when her desires are in fact aligned with the general sentiments prominent on this board. Also, I can't believe that helicopter parents who spend so much time/resources on kids wouldn't be disappointed with OP's scenario.
Anonymous
02/14/2024 11:35
Subject: Re:Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I suggest therapy. This type of thinking isn’t making you feel good and you might benefit from counseling to overcome it.
I will add this as gently as I can. Your kids may not want children due how they were parented.
I had a mentally ill mother and she was mostly terrible. For years, I had no desire for kids because I didn’t want to pass on the trauma and illness.
Only after many years did I have children and only after I had kids did my older sister start to have kids.
So you might start by examining yourself.
Same. It wouldn't surprise me if OP was like my mom. If I hadn't done a lot of therapy in my early 20s, I never would have had kids. On the outside my mom was a perfect SAHM. In our house, she was controlling, manipulative, and verbally abusive at times.