Op is she is in good health then I suggest you work on moving her to assisted living while she is able to make a decision, adjust, make friends , etc. waiting for things to get worse is only going to delay (and save money) but eventually it will be too much for you and you will either have caregivers in the home or assisted living. My mom sounds similar. She doesn’t present as having dementia but she can’t drive, take med, handle any finances or technology and can’t remember day to day. She is fairly happy in assisted living and though it took a while for her to adjust she is actually in a better state than she was at home with caregivers because she is social and active. She uses the little gym to do the arm bike, she actually sleeps at normal
Hours because she doesn’t want to miss meals, (she had horrible sleep habits my whole life, after my dad left we used to eat dinner at 9 -10 pm until I was old enough to fend for myself , she’d fall asleep on the couch watching tv at 3 am etc…) …anyway it’s not cheap but she is getting decent care. They give her medications; all meals; there are social activities; and I hired someone twice a week to help her with whatever she wants (errands, her laundry shower etc—the al offers that but it was cheaper to hire someone else and I like having a second set of eyes on things plus my mom just likes attention).

I’d really have this conversation now with her. Tell her it’s time for her to have more support than you can handle. Either that or leave her at home and live your life but only you can judge whether that’s actually safe.

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t have the heart to put her in assisted living now. But the toll it is taking on me is great.

Advance the mindset that AS will be ok. It will.

Have you visited any places? Same situation with my dad, but the AL places seem great. I want to go.

OP I'm 21:29 poster

The other thing you can do is have a regular scheduled date night with your husband. Say dinner and a movie once a week. Schedule the caregiver for a four hour shift. You all go and have fun. Ignore Mom's sulking.

Since you sound overwhelmed I'd also schedule a 4 hour shift on a week day where you can go out, go to the library, massage, etc and do things on your own once a week.

We had caregivers for around 20 years. Mom has had some that she really loved. One in particular would snuggle with Mom on the couch and they would watch "Say Yes to the Dress."

Dad also had them drive and take Mom places which Mom always enjoyed.

Ignore the sulking.

Anonymous wrote:You need to check what the criteria is for Assisted Living - if she can't walk safely and take meds on her own, they may recommend Skilled Nursing which is very expensive.

That’s not the case in Maryland. We pay for medication management in assisted living. There are different levels.

As far as walking, some use wheelchairs, some use walkers, and some use canes. They assess your gait and determine the safest choice.

You are making the assumption that being with you is better than in assisted living.

My mother enjoys eating dinner with people who are not just me, playing games, and attending music performances. Your mother may enjoy being with different people and in a space where she can have a great deal of autonomy and not feel as though she has a sitter.

Anonymous wrote:If her mind is fine, I'm not sure why you don't just leave her alone for a few hours, if that's what she wants. The risk is hers to take. If she falls, she falls. She may have to wait until you get home, or she may even really hurt herself. But it's not okay for you to make her live a life in a way she doesn't want to just because you have so much anxiety. Did you force her to move in with you, too? Convince her it wasn't safe to live on her own?

This. Her mind sounds fine. Clip a cell phone on her. Go out to dinner for a couple of hours. You need to have a life.
If she falls she can call you or she can call 911 for a lift assist. Make sure she specifies "lift assist." The ambulance team
will check her over and help her up.

She may just sit on the couch for several hour when you are gone.

Go out to dinner. Go to get your hair done. Live your life.

I've had Mom with caregivers in her house for 20 years. Believe me, you need to take care of yourself.

Anyone who says “let go of the reins” has no clue what it’s like.

They shouldn’t mock what some of us go through to keep elderly parents safe. It’s neither fun nor easy for any of the parties involved.

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the reins. She's a full grown woman.

There’s a chart somewhere that shows the progression of dementia and how it correlates to an age. As the disease progresses the afflicted person basically ages in reverse. My 82 year old mom is probably a 3-4 year old in terms of her current cognitive ability. She’s a grown woman in years on this earth, not in abilities.

Anonymous wrote:Let go of the reins. She's a full grown woman.

A lot of times people regress when they get older. Although they may be “full grown” in years, they begin behaving more like children, including making unwise and impulsive decisions. To allow someone with the decision making skills of a child to try to take care of themselves, their health, and their finances isn’t responsible.

Clearly you do not understand this.

Let go of the reins. She's a full grown woman.

Anonymous wrote:If her mind is fine, I'm not sure why you don't just leave her alone for a few hours, if that's what she wants. The risk is hers to take. If she falls, she falls. She may have to wait until you get home, or she may even really hurt herself. But it's not okay for you to make her live a life in a way she doesn't want to just because you have so much anxiety. Did you force her to move in with you, too? Convince her it wasn't safe to live on her own?

Her mind is not fine. OP is in denial of her parent’s regression, and you’re an idiot.

Anonymous wrote:If her mind is fine, I'm not sure why you don't just leave her alone for a few hours, if that's what she wants. The risk is hers to take. If she falls, she falls. She may have to wait until you get home, or she may even really hurt herself. But it's not okay for you to make her live a life in a way she doesn't want to just because you have so much anxiety. Did you force her to move in with you, too? Convince her it wasn't safe to live on her own?

You’re just mean. Do you know how hard it is to deal with a parent who is used to being independent but then can no longer fully take care of themselves, taking the meds wrong or not at all, not eating well, not able to get themselves to appointments, and messing up their finances? All while not fully understanding that they aren’t really capable anymore, seeing their issues as minor when they are not because they are clinging to the idea that they are still independent and fine on their own?

It terrible all the way around to deal with it and soul-sucking. You have to become the parent essentially because they do not make smart decisions for themselves.

I suppose they should be allowed to just stay on their own, let them fall, take their meds wrong, kill themselves or others while driving a car, etc.

You’ve got a chip missing

Assisted living would not work. She needs more care.