Unless people are being satirical? Ha, maybe I missed that!

There are a lot of etiquette police on this thread who put rules over relationships.

This is a dad-daughter thing that is harmless.
Two adult family members chatting using modern tech: that’s all. Two adults exercising free will

This is easy. Agree no phones at dinner. If they get phones out, get up and leave.

OP him doing it secretly is a consequence of you violating his boundaries. You have zero right to dictate how he communicates with his child, absolutely zero.

Anonymous wrote:It’s insane that you couldn’t tell. No phones are brought to the table during meals in our family. Simple solution. If you’re having an anxiety attack during dinner maybe it’s time to excuse yourself and leave the room to collect yourself.

OP is not part of the family. Whatever long term partner means, it's not as long term as parent and child. They have a dynamic that works for their family and OP can decide if she can accept it or not.

I can understand her being annoyed by the texting but can't see why she couldn't let it go once it was explained to her.

I am sure if the boyfriend's DD left the table then OP would say that was rude too.

How did you not notice her having an anxiety attack?

I'd move on, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I graduated college a long time ago.
I would laugh in your face if you told me to put my phone down. Then I would resent you for your petty control issues

Not the flex you think it is.

+1 a million. I’m amazed at the amount of people that have phones at the dinner table. Do you eat with silverware or just shovel things into your mouth with your hands? The lack of manners is appalling. Trashy.

It’s insane that you couldn’t tell. No phones are brought to the table during meals in our family. Simple solution. If you’re having an anxiety attack during dinner maybe it’s time to excuse yourself and leave the room to collect yourself.

It is rude.
Anxiety is not a reason to be rude.
Yes you read that right the era of anxiety being used to excuse poor social behavior is over. New treatment models do not encourage It or avoiding triggers because it doesn't work out in the long term.

But you're also not likely to get them to change, do move on

It sounds like you are okay with texting at dinner, but not texting each other? I think that gets too slippery slope. How about asking if you could try no-phone dinners, and propose you start with really short ones - have a simple meal, and keep it light and quick to keep her anxiety manageable. Say how nice it was. If your husband isn’t on board with phone-free dinners I don’t think you are going to get anywhere.

If you described me as “frequently present with significant anxiety” I would have side texts too.

Anonymous wrote:I graduated college a long time ago.
I would laugh in your face if you told me to put my phone down. Then I would resent you for your petty control issues

Not the flex you think it is.

I graduated college a long time ago.
I would laugh in your face if you told me to put my phone down. Then I would resent you for your petty control issues

If this were me I would feel upset, but I would probably propose something like this:

Try no phones at table a few days a week and then father daughter dinners without you a few days a week.

I would follow up with a mental health professional for the family.

No phones at the table for anyone. You can raise this as an issue with everyone. You cannot set rules; however you can set an example. Turn your phone off or on vibrate and set it on a side table while you eat.

Therapy for you as an individual with a focus on your beliefs about mental illness, mental health education, honest discussion with the therapist about why your step daughter might feel a need or want to hide her anxiety from you. What messages are you sending explicitly or implicitly about her anxiety attacks?

Talk with the therapist about how you can raise the texting secretly in front of you in a productive way, and that you are concerned that she feels a need to keep the anxiety secret from you. Your going to need to ask her why in a non-threatening way. So ask, and listen. Apologize if necessary. State your beliefs about anxiety as a mental illness. 2hich hopefully are smthg like this: mental illness are real illnesses just like diabetes or heart disease. Like diabetes or heart disease, mental illnesses can benefit from a combination of medicine with a psychiatrist and therapy with a psychologist. No one should feel like they have to keep their illness a secret. Because I care about you, I am here to support you, but because you are an adult and I recognize you have a special relationship with your father and mother, I also recognize that you are adult enough to ask for what you need and that you have other adults in your life who are helping you; nonetheless, I am here too, let me know what you need from me.

Whatever conversation you have about this, it can't be about you - how you feel left out or insulted, how you think it's manipulative or a betrayal, etc. That stuff you need to talk to your own therapist about.

Consider taking a NAMI Family to Family Class, with or without your DH.

Your SD has some pretty serious anxiety, if she is having anxiety attacks at the dinner table - has she gotten a full neuropsych assessment? Is it affecting her at school? Is she working with a psychiatrist in addition to the therapist.