Looking back, I had social anxiety as a high schooler (not diagnosed until later). Most people would never have guessed, as I knew how to keep up a veneer of being somewhat outgoing, somewhat social at school, super involved, had a group I ate with at lunch etc.. What I struggled with was converting those more superficial connections into friendships. That is often more anxiety-inducing for someone with social anxiety. Most people are going to casually chat with you at sports practice, for example, so the risk of rejection is lower, but asking if they want to get together and play video games on Saturday opens you up to a whole new level of rejection and often triggers social anxiety big time. And with anxiety, you often lose the ability to 1) evaluate the likelihood of them saying yes, 2) understand that even if they say no, it's not necessarily a judgment on you or as big a deal as it will feel.

If any of this sounds familiar, I'd encourage you to check out some of the (many) books on Amazon about helping teens navigate social anxiety, or even anxiety more generally. Some good CBT tips can be super helpful. And he could read through them on his own and see if they resonate, rather than having to talk to you or anyone else about it (which is often super hard for someone with social anxiety - they're already anxious, and then you say hey, let's have a conversation about the thing that bothers you most; and lot of people are a hard no on that.)

This may skew a little young for him, but a therapist friend really likes this book for teens because of it's talk about safety behaviors - basically avoiding situations that trigger anxiety altogether, so you may not even realize you're anxious because you've developed habits to avoid the feelings and situations that trigger it.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1785927825/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Anonymous wrote:Hugs. My 10 year old is like this. It hurts to see him have nobody. I’m not clear if he doesn’t want anyone or wants friends and doesn’t know how to make them. He’s a quiet guy. He loves his family intensely and is a joy in many ways. I keep signing him up for activities in the hopes he finds someone, someday.

I could have written this exact message. My 9 year old little guy is like this too. Has maybe 1-2 friends, but has no desire to make more or seek out friendships despite being in activities and my encouragement to invite so and so over to hang out. Says he's happy with the 1-2 friends he has and doesn't need more friends. He's been this way since preschool--kind of latches on to 1-2 people and that's it but eventually those people make more friends and move onto groups and I fear the same will happen to him in ES with these two little friends. He loves spending time as a family and also finds joy in most family activities. But I do worry about what will come in MS and then HS without friends. He's going to overnight camp this summer and i'm hoping that will open doors for him in creating relationships but the pattern seems pretty well-established. It's painful to watch and observe.

Anonymous wrote:My 16 yo does not hang out with any kids outside of school ever. If you ask him, he has lots of friends. They are the ones he’s always talking to online over the computer. It’s voice while they play a video game or do whatever on the computer. It’s stressful for me. It doesn’t seem to be for him. We try to encourage him to get out or do something with kids IRL but he seems very content with his online social life and socializing in person with the family.

You just described my 15 yo. He has kids he knows at school but has never once done anything outside of school. He’s playing video games and we can hear him talking to whomever is online but that’s it. We couldn’t tell you the name of a single friend. Oddly enough, he does well academically. It just seems he closes down once the school day is done. But I’d be lying if I said it isn’t a bit concerning.

OP, my son is similar, except that he has kids to sit with at lunch. I think they are friendly acquaintances, not friends, but it's fine.
He plays a sport seriously, but it is only one season at school, and the other 3 seasons he does it outside of school with kids not from his school - which is great for getting better at the sport, but not great for making friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 yo does not hang out with any kids outside of school ever. If you ask him, he has lots of friends. They are the ones he’s always talking to online over the computer. It’s voice while they play a video game or do whatever on the computer. It’s stressful for me. It doesn’t seem to be for him. We try to encourage him to get out or do something with kids IRL but he seems very content with his online social life and socializing in person with the family.

Even though I think in person is better, assuming he has these online talk sessions with classmates or at least consistent online friends and not just random ppl, this is less concerning socially.

You are quoting me. I understand that and I am happy he has a group he consistently talks to. His computer friends are all kids he hasn’t met and scattered across the country. These are the only people he considers his friends and at least we’ve verified they are actually teens.

This is us as well! DS is friendly enough and can talk to any kid but doesn't hang out with any one. We were concerned about it but let him be as he would hang out with his friends from online. We were pleasantly surprised when a whole bunch of these kids would ask their parents to drive 100s of miles to visit DS and were genuinely thrilled to hang out with him when they would meet up at in-person events and hang out the whole day.

I’m really glad that worked out for your son. Mine talks with these boys and they are trying to plan a meet up for this summer. I’ve offered to take DS anywhere and we can make a vacation out of it but so far it’s a lot of talk and no real plans.

I don't think it's good for boys to only have online friends. And I say this as a previous poster who had a DS do just this for a few years (I'm the PP with a late bloomer DS).

IMO, these are the types of kids who end up as incels or going down the conspiracy theorist rabbit holes when they become young adults. Boys need human interaction to develop better social skills. If they are like this for a year, maybe two, ok, nbd, but at some point in HS, they really need human social interaction.

Anonymous wrote:I have a hs freshman who has no friends. None, zero. Never has kids over, hasn’t in a couple years. He was doing some social activities with a group of kids last year, but became an outsider and gave up on the kids towards the end of the school year. I think he wants friends but he isn’t communicating any effort to make any. We talk about it but usually he shuts down the conversation. He uses Snapchat and sends messages with kids from school, but nothing of substance. He has what I’d call friendly associations from a travel sport he’s involved in but most of those kids live in other towns. He also seems to have friends from sleepover camp (kids in other states). So if he has enough social skills to hang with these kids, why not kids from school?

Anyone with similar or related experiences? I mostly want him to be happy and his weekends tend to be pretty lonely.

He may be introverted and need alone time to re-charge. As a society we feel the need to force introverts to be social. It's weird and is because we lack empathy.

If I understand correctly, it sounds like he has friends, but not best friends and he doesn't socialize with them outside of school.

I always had close friends before high school. I had my group in high school, but I turned down probably 95% of invites to socialize with them outside of high school. They were not my true people. They were judgmental and competitive and I was looking toward the future. I had other friends from other groups and liked them, but I also was overwhelmed with homework, sports, after school clubs and eventually leadership positions and at one point a job. High school for me was just a means to an end.

In college I was very social and even joined a sorority and many clubs. I struggled to balance social life and school work and my job, but it was worth it because these were my people. I had friends of all interests, backgrounds, religions and they were more mature and kind than my high school friends.

My point is, he has connections. He is content. Maybe get some teacher input, but high school is strange. It was not my cop of tea.

Anonymous wrote:I have a hs freshman who has no friends. None, zero. Never has kids over, hasn’t in a couple years. He was doing some social activities with a group of kids last year, but became an outsider and gave up on the kids towards the end of the school year. I think he wants friends but he isn’t communicating any effort to make any. We talk about it but usually he shuts down the conversation. He uses Snapchat and sends messages with kids from school, but nothing of substance. He has what I’d call friendly associations from a travel sport he’s involved in but most of those kids live in other towns. He also seems to have friends from sleepover camp (kids in other states). So if he has enough social skills to hang with these kids, why not kids from school?

Anyone with similar or related experiences? I mostly want him to be happy and his weekends tend to be pretty lonely.

Public, private, parochial?

In a similar boat with my 13 YO. It is so hard but I try to make sure that they know how loved they are at home and remind them that their people are out there, they just haven’t found them yet. It really is heartbreaking as a mom though.

OP, it sounds like *you* don't want him to be unhappy/lonely, but he may be perfectly fine with it.

I speak from experience where my stepson (who lived with us) was like this in high school. He really never had a friend the entire HS time. He played on a HS sports team, he played a rec sport, but he never had a kid over to our house, he was never invited to anything. And this was before kids were doing everything online, e.g., gaming together.

But I knew what it was, he was probably on spectrum (not diagnosed) and he was a kid who desired the company of adults over peers. I could definitely see why friends weren't in the mix.
And it bothered me more than it bothered him. I thought of all the fun I had in HS, all the running around I did with friends, and I was sad he was missing out on that. But I had to step back and tell myself this is his life and experience, not mine.

Now your son could hit it off with a friend or two tomorrow. Or next school year. My stepson never did. But fast forward to his mid-20s when he's in his chosen career, getting married, and starting his family soon after. He still doesn't really have friends, he has "people he knows", but he adores his wife and he's an amazing father. It's just who he is.

Get him involved in school activities. We had a rule in our family, we had to try out for -something- Minimally we had to have some ECs. If you're that concerned, privately have a meeting with his HS counselor. A teacher or a coach can approach him saying they would like his participation.

If you don't -do- anything, how can you fault him for being similar.

What do you mean by “he became an outsider?”

Is he a late bloomer? My DS was like this in late ES and MS. The other boys outgrew him. DS did sit with some kids at lunch who went to the same ES magnet in MS, but that was about it. He never brought a kid home, and almost never went out with other kids.

Thankfully, he did Boy Scouts, so that got him out of the house and outdoors. He was not into sports, so this was his only outlet for physical activity. We had him play soccer with a rec league, but he made no friends there, either because he was not good at it. He was just an awkward kid.

He blossomed during the pandemic. Had a growth spurt and matured over that period. When he went back to school people were shocked. He had played online games on discord with some kids at school, and when they went back to in person, he started to hang out with them more outside of school. He even got a gf the following year.

Hang in there. It may get better. IMO, 10 to 15 yrs of age is really hard for the late bloomers (my DD included).

What activities does he do? If nothing, I would insist on one club and/or one sport in or out of school. This is as important as hygiene and chores and I would make privileges contingent on joining at least one thing. You can’t insist he make friends, but you can and should insist on this. Many social skills can be learned in extra curricular activities, especially when there’s a coach or supportive club leader.