Anonymous
02/09/2024 21:06
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wow people are complaining about this? You people really don’t like your kids do you?
My kids tell me everything good and bad and still do in college, which I appreciate. They trust me with it all and when things get really bad, and they can, I’m glad they know they can talk to me.
Nobody is saying they don't want their kids to talk to them, just that it is sometimes a lot of negativity and worry to take on.
I don't take it on. I listen, repeat back to make sure I heard correctly, empathize and let it go
Anonymous
02/09/2024 20:56
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
There is a time and place to let them vent and get their anxieties out. Yes, that is our job to be a safe space. But as a college professor I implore you to listen and then give them ideas on how to implement self care, handling issues, learning to meditate, prioritize, and most importantly understand that life CAN suck and you will get thru it.
There are so many lazy teens and snowplow moms lately and college kids are suffering never having known self care, chores, how to handle some adversity, and handle their emotions on their own. You are allowed to mess up, you are allowed to be sad but they have to learn how to pick themselves up on their own and also self accountability. If you aren’t showing your kids there are 3 sides to every story and how other people might perceive things, your teens are going to stay selfish whiners. And when we get them. Whew. There is s MAJOR difference between college kids even just 10 years ago vs now.
So yes some venting is good but have them handle it with positives and self care too.
There are so many lazy teens and snowplow moms lately and college kids are suffering never having known self care, chores, how to handle some adversity, and handle their emotions on their own. You are allowed to mess up, you are allowed to be sad but they have to learn how to pick themselves up on their own and also self accountability. If you aren’t showing your kids there are 3 sides to every story and how other people might perceive things, your teens are going to stay selfish whiners. And when we get them. Whew. There is s MAJOR difference between college kids even just 10 years ago vs now.
So yes some venting is good but have them handle it with positives and self care too.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 20:26
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Anonymous wrote:Yes. I had kind of an epiphany about this recently, where I was feeling annoyed by all the complaining, and then realized that I'm just her safe place to put all her complaining about school, friends, etc. Thinking about it this way helps me detach -- she just needs a listening ear and validation.
But 99.9% of the time, I do NOT problem solve. If she asks me explicitly what to do about a situation, I will talk through it with her and see if I can support her in finding a solution. But most of the stuff she complains about, I don't even attempt to solve. Homework a chore? Yeah, I get that -- I felt that way at your age. Friends being annoying? Ugh, that does sound annoying. Frustrated about being stuck in the chorus in the school play? That is disappointing, I can see how much you wanted the lead. And so on.
I don't actually think she wants me to solve these problems. Most of the time I think she just needs to express a negative feeling and needs a safe place to do it. Sometimes I think talking about it helps her figure out it's not that bad or that she needs to do X or Y (without my input). It's really the very rare issue where she actually wants mom's input.
Great post, PP. It’s equal parts relieving and frustrating when a day or two later you ask how they’re feeling about the miserable thing, and they have no clue what you're talking about.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 20:19
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Instead of complaining, you should be happy that your kids feel safe talking to you about everything. I never felt comfortable talking to my parents about my social life.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 20:16
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Anonymous wrote:Wow people are complaining about this? You people really don’t like your kids do you?
My kids tell me everything good and bad and still do in college, which I appreciate. They trust me with it all and when things get really bad, and they can, I’m glad they know they can talk to me.
Nobody is saying they don't want their kids to talk to them, just that it is sometimes a lot of negativity and worry to take on.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 20:07
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Wow people are complaining about this? You people really don’t like your kids do you?
My kids tell me everything good and bad and still do in college, which I appreciate. They trust me with it all and when things get really bad, and they can, I’m glad they know they can talk to me.
My kids tell me everything good and bad and still do in college, which I appreciate. They trust me with it all and when things get really bad, and they can, I’m glad they know they can talk to me.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:57
Subject: Re:Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Haven't read any replies yet but, yes, my kid did this constantly in ES. I was not always successful at handling it. But, something that worked when he was younger: I listened to the negative stuff, validated his feelings, tried to ask what solutions might be, and, finally I'd ask him how to rate the issue on a scale of 1-10 on how much it bothered him. The latter, in particular, helped lower the temp for both of us.
He's a teen now and probably doesn't share as much. But sometimes still does and I get the feeling he shares so that I (more emotional/reactive than I'd like to be) can carry some of the emotional load of what he's experiencing. I probably react in ways that he won't or can't. He and his dad are both stoic types.
He's a teen now and probably doesn't share as much. But sometimes still does and I get the feeling he shares so that I (more emotional/reactive than I'd like to be) can carry some of the emotional load of what he's experiencing. I probably react in ways that he won't or can't. He and his dad are both stoic types.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:30
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
One does and one does not. I worry about the latter. Now, DH, that’s another story! He never stops complaining and being negative.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:26
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Anonymous wrote:wow maybe i'm in the minority here but I love it when my kids tells me bad things. Most of her bad things are really NBD but I just listen and validate. I want her to come to me when it's a really bad thing, and she needs my help. I want that door to be open for her.
+1. I would not want it to be otherwise.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:25
Subject: Re:Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Omg - yes. All his life. It is almost comical comparing what he tells me about his day and then what he tells his dad (I am the safe space, my husband is not).
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:13
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Hearing the problems, inconveniences, struggles
... and never hearing how it resolves.
... and never hearing how it resolves.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:11
Subject: Re:Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Anonymous wrote:I am a safe place for my child. And my spouse. And my friends.
I would help my spouse find a charging cable at 11pm. I would help my kid. I would want help.
Have some grace
I do help my kids. Not sure why you think I don’t.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:10
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Anonymous wrote:wow maybe i'm in the minority here but I love it when my kids tells me bad things. Most of her bad things are really NBD but I just listen and validate. I want her to come to me when it's a really bad thing, and she needs my help. I want that door to be open for her.
This. It’s exhausting, but I want her to tell me the crappy little things so she’ll tell me the crappy big things. She’s still relatively young -almost a tween.
I am also actively just trying to be sympathetic and ask her for suggestions on what she should do.
The human garbage disposal is what I’ve heard it called. My husband will comment that she seems fine, then I come home and she unloads with all of the slights she felt all day. He thinks it’s because I’m soft, but it’s because I’m the safe-space.
And the flip side is I’m close to a young adult family member - when I worry is when she’s overloaded, but insisting on not setting boundaries and isn’t complaining. Both of her parents are lovely people, who do really adore her, but they are both so self-centered they weren’t safe-sounding boards for her when she was younger.
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:03
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Anonymous wrote:Teens are like toddlers. If they have to put on a good face all day, they melt where they are most comfortable.
Be sympathetic but give them resources to problem solve on their own.
A lot of times they just need someone to vent to
Billion times this
Anonymous
02/09/2024 14:00
Subject: Kids telling me all their negative stuff
Listen and respond to the gripes as 8:43 pp suggested and then ask them what was the bright spot/highlight of their day. Tell them what yours was.