Anonymous wrote:DH has never been good with money, or jobs, - anything related to adulting.

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I don’t dislike him but this dynamic is not working for me.what I’m really torn over is that I can’t leave due to finances.

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Talk me off a ledge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s exactly the man you married. Why are you complaining? You thought you’d fix him? He’s the man you married.

Does it hurt when the marbles rattle around and bang into your empty skull?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has massive debt..." Be sure to know how much of that debt you are on the hook for and how much of it can come out of your combined assets.

+1 I'd start there, OP. Unfortunately due to his childish "what's mine is mine" attitude, he has no idea, or just does not care, that the deal with debts in a marriage is not "what's mine is mine" but instead, "what's mine is ours." I'd sit down -- you likely will have to do it solo; do you have access to his financial info, what he has in his own accounts, what his debt info is??-- and create a document listing every single penny you both have, separately and jointly, including expenses etc. etc. See how bad the financial stuff is or isn't. The hard part is, if he has credit cards or other things you don't know exist. You might even need the help of an accountant (forensic accountant? I don't know if that's quite what they do). Once you know the numbers, you can take them to someone for advice about what you, yourself, are on the hook for, as PP says.

Any chance that if he's threatened with divorce, your DH might agree to a financial revamp, selling some of his toys, etc.? Would you trust him if he did so, or do you believe he would hide expenditures and debts even if he agreed to change things?

What is the plan for the kids' college funds and your own retirements, plus a buffer for emergencies? Is that all coming from you, OP?

Got to add, I"m so sorry for the situation. Do not let the mean-spirited PPs who play the "this is who you married" card get to you at all. People cover during dating and early marriage and I bet he did just that.

Gather the docs above and take them to a divorce attorney. They will advise what kind of debt and equity split is likely as well as likely child support and if you will be on the hook for "maintenance" unlikely if he is working at all.

What is a lawyer going to tell her other than the very obvious "you will split the assets and debts 50/50 and plug in both your incomes to calculate child support"? No point in spending money to have a lawyer tell you something that is true in 99% of cases.

Rather than divorce it would probably be cheaper for OP to outsource as many of the things as possible that are exhausting her - hire a cleaning service, pay for Dream Dinners or something to provide a month's worth of meals etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has massive debt..." Be sure to know how much of that debt you are on the hook for and how much of it can come out of your combined assets.

+1 I'd start there, OP. Unfortunately due to his childish "what's mine is mine" attitude, he has no idea, or just does not care, that the deal with debts in a marriage is not "what's mine is mine" but instead, "what's mine is ours." I'd sit down -- you likely will have to do it solo; do you have access to his financial info, what he has in his own accounts, what his debt info is??-- and create a document listing every single penny you both have, separately and jointly, including expenses etc. etc. See how bad the financial stuff is or isn't. The hard part is, if he has credit cards or other things you don't know exist. You might even need the help of an accountant (forensic accountant? I don't know if that's quite what they do). Once you know the numbers, you can take them to someone for advice about what you, yourself, are on the hook for, as PP says.

Any chance that if he's threatened with divorce, your DH might agree to a financial revamp, selling some of his toys, etc.? Would you trust him if he did so, or do you believe he would hide expenditures and debts even if he agreed to change things?

What is the plan for the kids' college funds and your own retirements, plus a buffer for emergencies? Is that all coming from you, OP?

Got to add, I"m so sorry for the situation. Do not let the mean-spirited PPs who play the "this is who you married" card get to you at all. People cover during dating and early marriage and I bet he did just that.

Gather the docs above and take them to a divorce attorney. They will advise what kind of debt and equity split is likely as well as likely child support and if you will be on the hook for "maintenance" unlikely if he is working at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"he has massive debt..." Be sure to know how much of that debt you are on the hook for and how much of it can come out of your combined assets.

+1 I'd start there, OP. Unfortunately due to his childish "what's mine is mine" attitude, he has no idea, or just does not care, that the deal with debts in a marriage is not "what's mine is mine" but instead, "what's mine is ours." I'd sit down -- you likely will have to do it solo; do you have access to his financial info, what he has in his own accounts, what his debt info is??-- and create a document listing every single penny you both have, separately and jointly, including expenses etc. etc. See how bad the financial stuff is or isn't. The hard part is, if he has credit cards or other things you don't know exist. You might even need the help of an accountant (forensic accountant? I don't know if that's quite what they do). Once you know the numbers, you can take them to someone for advice about what you, yourself, are on the hook for, as PP says.

Any chance that if he's threatened with divorce, your DH might agree to a financial revamp, selling some of his toys, etc.? Would you trust him if he did so, or do you believe he would hide expenditures and debts even if he agreed to change things?

What is the plan for the kids' college funds and your own retirements, plus a buffer for emergencies? Is that all coming from you, OP?

Got to add, I"m so sorry for the situation. Do not let the mean-spirited PPs who play the "this is who you married" card get to you at all. People cover during dating and early marriage and I bet he did just that.