Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Switch schools.

This is what my parents did when my younger sister started hanging around with a rough druggie crowd as a freshman. My dad rented a townhouse in a small town with a better school district about 30 minutes away and they moved her to live with him. This was of course pre social media, but it worked!

Whoa. Were your parents married? Dad moved away with sister for better schools? That is pretty amazing and I commend your parents’ efforts and sacrifice

Anonymous wrote:Switch schools.

This is what my parents did when my younger sister started hanging around with a rough druggie crowd as a freshman. My dad rented a townhouse in a small town with a better school district about 30 minutes away and they moved her to live with him. This was of course pre social media, but it worked!

Anonymous wrote:I hung out with the cool or bad crowd in high school. The more my parents tried to make me Not hang out with them, the more I did. This was before cell phones. My parents had no way of contacting me. I eventually found my way. I didn’t go to as good of a college as I should have but ended up at an Ivy grad school where I met my husband. My parents love my husband.

God I hope my kids aren’t like me and take after DH. DH was always a good hard working kid.

Yeah but I bet you had a lot more fun!

Go away for several weekends, somewhere remote where the cell service doesn’t work. Like Shenandoah.

I hung out with the cool or bad crowd in high school. The more my parents tried to make me Not hang out with them, the more I did. This was before cell phones. My parents had no way of contacting me. I eventually found my way. I didn’t go to as good of a college as I should have but ended up at an Ivy grad school where I met my husband. My parents love my husband.

God I hope my kids aren’t like me and take after DH. DH was always a good hard working kid.

How do you force a kid to do sports or get a job?

Anonymous wrote:Get some Ring cameras and Life 360 and make sure he isn't sneaking out to see these kids

+1

I sought out a bad crowd at his age. I couldn’t have articulated this then, but it was my way of searching for something different from the life I’d been handed and that did not resonate. In a world in which so much was prescribed, and proscribed, “bad” kids felt like liberation.

There are other, better ways to get that feeling, of course — but like me, your kid probably doesn’t know how to find them on his own.

Busy is good, but make sure it’s a busy that resonates, and that you are helping him find meaning within the busy-ness. Don’t let the activities become just another thing he has to do that was ultimately someone else’s idea, or bc “this is what smart, good kids do.”

What does he love? What *might* he love? What sorts of things make him feel proud and connected? In my case, I found theater, and I started working with younger kids. These things helped. They made me feel valued, and they helped me find what I valued separate from my parents and the kids I was supposed to be friends with (whom I liked! But they were much more interested in playing the game of school, they colored inside the lines more than I, and I never felt like I fit in).

My recommendation is to take this moment as information. He’s telling you something. He’s telling himself something — something for which he doesn’t yet have the words.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My teen son has started to make some changes in his friend group and it's concerning. He was friends with a great group of kids all through elem and middle school, but suddenly has some new friends. From what I can see in their conversations online, these are not good kids, and they're influencing my son in negative ways. I've talked to him about it and shared my concerns and called him out on some things (with consequences), but how do I steer him away from these guys? Feels impossible. Any advice? I'm getting scared about the path he seems to trying to head down.

I've always told my kid to make me the " bad" guy so he could get out of situations that he didnt want to get into. It was less embarrassing and he coukd save face.

Once they hit high school, unless they are purposely choosing to stay on the right path, this doesn't matter. Sounds like OP's kid thinks it's cooler to hang out with these kids. Most kids that gravitate towards the bad kids so late usually have self esteem issues. Not feeling smart enough as their old peers doing high classes, not as athletic, etc.... The bad kids will always take on anyone willing to do dumb stuff with them. Many of them are from broken homes and have had tough lives and honestly tend to be sad kids with a lot of issues and realize they may peak in high school and have a hard adult life. I find the bullies to be in other crowds, not that type of crowd. So being friendly with them is okay as long as you don't go down a bad path with them and that is hard not to. When the group that makes you feel kinda welcome wants you to start smoking, stealing, sneaking etc... then it's tough to say no.

Anonymous wrote:My teen son has started to make some changes in his friend group and it's concerning. He was friends with a great group of kids all through elem and middle school, but suddenly has some new friends. From what I can see in their conversations online, these are not good kids, and they're influencing my son in negative ways. I've talked to him about it and shared my concerns and called him out on some things (with consequences), but how do I steer him away from these guys? Feels impossible. Any advice? I'm getting scared about the path he seems to trying to head down.

I've always told my kid to make me the " bad" guy so he could get out of situations that he didnt want to get into. It was less embarrassing and he coukd save face.

Get some Ring cameras and Life 360 and make sure he isn't sneaking out to see these kids

Definitely keep him busy. Like others said, sports and a job will help. If he's not into sports, get him into band or yearbook or some other activity that meets after school on a regular basis. Also, insist that he take Honors/ AP classes. There's still troublemakers in that crowd but by HS most of the kids in those classes understand what it takes to get into college and know the ramifications of having a discipline record for fighting or drugs.

Anonymous wrote:To the extent that you're able, forbid those friendships.

Useful

Anonymous wrote:BUSY BUSY BUSY

That's what I did with my kid in middle school.

A high school kid can get a job. Fill his time.

Keeping them busy may work short term, but you really have to talk to them and figure out what's going on. Because even if kept busy, if a kid really wants to see certain friends, party, experiment with drugs/alcohol, no matter how busy they are they'll find a way to do those things anyway

Anonymous wrote:It's very tough when they get to high school. The more you restrict, the more they will want to be with them.

But the “friends” won’t.