Anonymous wrote:Yes, your feelings are founded. He doesn't get to rest at night while you work. Train him better.

Well said!

I was one of those women who dreamed about happy-ever-after. Slowly it dawned on me that my husband's idea of marriage was an assumption that marriage meant that I did all of the "women's work" while he did what he wanted. That included doing the manly chores, but he spent unlimited funds on his toys, such as power tools, fishing boats, and hunting gear. He went fishing and hunting with his friends on the weekends. I enjoyed cooking and having time for myself on the weekends. All went well enough, for a while.

As the years went on, he became busier at work and I took care of all the homemaking duties, including taking care of the kids and paying the bills. He would ask for an accurate account9ng of household funds at random times and questioned me if I went over his budget. He would pat me on my ass and tell me that I was doing a good job.

When he was home in the evenings, he wanted to relax after work while I cooked, cleaned, and helped with homework. The kids adored him. He was always the fun parent who watched TV with them. He didn't remind them to clean their rooms or do homework.

He frequently praised me in front of others and said that I was such a great wife and mother. He gave me gifts like expensive vacuum cleaners, bar-b-que grills, fish smokers, and sexy clothes. One time he patted my ass in front of our friends and the game was over.

I don't know why it took me so long to divorce him, but when it came time to talk about alimony, I told him that I didn't want a cent and would be happy to never have to depend on him, ever again, for anything. Thirty years later, we still see each other at family events that include children and grandchildren. He remarried and I'm happy to be free.

Your concerns are valid, and I hope that you gain some insight from my experience.

Let him use paper plates only. Put the dirty dishes on the floor on his side of bed or office.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so frustrated. My husband doesn’t help with any of the cleaning. He says the mess doesn’t bother him so if I want it clean then that’s on me. I’m not a clean freak, I just like things to be orderly and a clean sink at the end of the night. I have three kids under 6 and I can’t keep up with all the house chores to a level where I can feel sane in my own house. Hubby also takes a back seat for all kid related things. He does do all the DIY, yard work etc so he says it’s fair, but then why do I not get an evening without having to do house work after the kids are asleep and every night he gets to relax ?? He also says that he earns more than him so it is fair I do all the cleaning. Good to hear others thoughts/ experiences/ words of wisdom. Are my feelings founded? Needed to vent😮‍💨

Troll get your that earns more than him straight.

OP here, typo- *he earns more than me

Am I being dumb but I can’t understand why that should matter?

We are also a dual income household and my DH says this too to get out of doing housework. I think it should be based on the hours we each work, not how much we get paid for our work.

How do people not have conversations about this before they get married? Or at least before they have kids?

Because we were too busy having fun in our 20’s, going out to restaurants and bars, travelling, and not concerned about cleaning our dinky little apartments.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you want a clone, or a maid, and instead you have a husband. If you’re a neat freak, and incompatible, you probably should have figured that out before having three kids.

Wanting a clean kitchen at the end of the evening is in no way being a neat freak.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chore chart. I'm 100% serious, we do it after going to marriage counseling over this.
We have set nights for who is doing dinner, dishes, bathtime and bedtime. Bathroom cleaning and vacuum on weekends, although maybe you can afford to hire a cleaner.

DIY and yard work are not daily tasks, they are on par with doctor visits and planning childcare/camp. Which I bet you handle.

But the "I earn more so I get more leisure time" is really gross and I would go to counseling over that mindset. You are a partner not an employee.

This is perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve read on dcum today. If you’re making this argument, I’m not going to take anything else you say serisouly.

Hah, found the guy who thinks mowing the lawn once a week in the summer means he doesn't have to do dishes or vacuum.

No, you found a working mom who handles 100% of all "emotional labor" like camps, doctors appointments etc and also handles 100% of the DIY stuff around the house, but pays $500 a month for yard service because I know it's a lot of work. A lot more than camp planning.

Anonymous wrote:I have a cleaning service. I suggest you hire someone to come twice a week. And just do it. Don't even bother having a discussion with him.

+1, this is cheaper than counseling. Once a week if you don't have a budget, they won't change and it's best to come up with a solution that makes you happy.
A clean sink with 3 kids under six is a lot of work, hire a mother's helper once a week so you can relax on weekends for a few hours is another option.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so frustrated. My husband doesn’t help with any of the cleaning. He says the mess doesn’t bother him so if I want it clean then that’s on me. I’m not a clean freak, I just like things to be orderly and a clean sink at the end of the night. I have three kids under 6 and I can’t keep up with all the house chores to a level where I can feel sane in my own house. Hubby also takes a back seat for all kid related things. He does do all the DIY, yard work etc so he says it’s fair, but then why do I not get an evening without having to do house work after the kids are asleep and every night he gets to relax ?? He also says that he earns more than him so it is fair I do all the cleaning. Good to hear others thoughts/ experiences/ words of wisdom. Are my feelings founded? Needed to vent😮‍💨

Troll get your that earns more than him straight.

OP here, typo- *he earns more than me

Am I being dumb but I can’t understand why that should matter?

We are also a dual income household and my DH says this too to get out of doing housework. I think it should be based on the hours we each work, not how much we get paid for our work.

How do people not have conversations about this before they get married? Or at least before they have kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you want a clone, or a maid, and instead you have a husband. If you’re a neat freak, and incompatible, you probably should have figured that out before having three kids.

OP here - I’m not a neat freak by all means he is just really messy. I think he was on his best behaviour before we got married - we met later on in life and were married and pregnant within 2 years. I saw no signs of his messiness and no signs of him refusing to help around the house. I didn’t want a third kid because of this but it mistakenly happened.

I met my husband later in life. We got married in 18 months and had twins 18 months later. He's exactly the person I knew he was. You had a first kid and he was still really helping around the house? So it was the third kid that did him in? I'm having a hard time believing that but ok. Tell him to shape up or get yourself some help with all the money he makes.

Your husband sounds like a complete jerk. Great idea having three kids with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chore chart. I'm 100% serious, we do it after going to marriage counseling over this.
We have set nights for who is doing dinner, dishes, bathtime and bedtime. Bathroom cleaning and vacuum on weekends, although maybe you can afford to hire a cleaner.

DIY and yard work are not daily tasks, they are on par with doctor visits and planning childcare/camp. Which I bet you handle.

But the "I earn more so I get more leisure time" is really gross and I would go to counseling over that mindset. You are a partner not an employee.

This is perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve read on dcum today. If you’re making this argument, I’m not going to take anything else you say serisouly.

Hah, found the guy who thinks mowing the lawn once a week in the summer means he doesn't have to do dishes or vacuum.

Anonymous wrote:Chore chart. I'm 100% serious, we do it after going to marriage counseling over this.
We have set nights for who is doing dinner, dishes, bathtime and bedtime. Bathroom cleaning and vacuum on weekends, although maybe you can afford to hire a cleaner.

DIY and yard work are not daily tasks, they are on par with doctor visits and planning childcare/camp. Which I bet you handle.

But the "I earn more so I get more leisure time" is really gross and I would go to counseling over that mindset. You are a partner not an employee.

This is perhaps the dumbest thing I’ve read on dcum today. If you’re making this argument, I’m not going to take anything else you say serisouly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so frustrated. My husband doesn’t help with any of the cleaning. He says the mess doesn’t bother him so if I want it clean then that’s on me. I’m not a clean freak, I just like things to be orderly and a clean sink at the end of the night. I have three kids under 6 and I can’t keep up with all the house chores to a level where I can feel sane in my own house. Hubby also takes a back seat for all kid related things. He does do all the DIY, yard work etc so he says it’s fair, but then why do I not get an evening without having to do house work after the kids are asleep and every night he gets to relax ?? He also says that he earns more than him so it is fair I do all the cleaning. Good to hear others thoughts/ experiences/ words of wisdom. Are my feelings founded? Needed to vent😮‍💨

Troll get your that earns more than him straight.

OP here, typo- *he earns more than me

Am I being dumb but I can’t understand why that should matter?

We are also a dual income household and my DH says this too to get out of doing housework. I think it should be based on the hours we each work, not how much we get paid for our work.

Agreed. If you work the same hours, you clean the same amount. If he thinks making more money should mean he doesn't have to clean, tell him to use some of that money to hire a cleaner to do his half of the cleaning. And it's got to come out of the discretionary part of his income that he spends on himself, not whatever part gets allocated for mortgage and bills.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so frustrated. My husband doesn’t help with any of the cleaning. He says the mess doesn’t bother him so if I want it clean then that’s on me. I’m not a clean freak, I just like things to be orderly and a clean sink at the end of the night. I have three kids under 6 and I can’t keep up with all the house chores to a level where I can feel sane in my own house. Hubby also takes a back seat for all kid related things. He does do all the DIY, yard work etc so he says it’s fair, but then why do I not get an evening without having to do house work after the kids are asleep and every night he gets to relax ?? He also says that he earns more than him so it is fair I do all the cleaning. Good to hear others thoughts/ experiences/ words of wisdom. Are my feelings founded? Needed to vent😮‍💨

Troll get your that earns more than him straight.

OP here, typo- *he earns more than me

Am I being dumb but I can’t understand why that should matter?

We are also a dual income household and my DH says this too to get out of doing housework. I think it should be based on the hours we each work, not how much we get paid for our work.

Yes, obviously. What if you started earning more than him? Would he suddenly start taking on the daily chores?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so frustrated. My husband doesn’t help with any of the cleaning. He says the mess doesn’t bother him so if I want it clean then that’s on me. I’m not a clean freak, I just like things to be orderly and a clean sink at the end of the night. I have three kids under 6 and I can’t keep up with all the house chores to a level where I can feel sane in my own house. Hubby also takes a back seat for all kid related things. He does do all the DIY, yard work etc so he says it’s fair, but then why do I not get an evening without having to do house work after the kids are asleep and every night he gets to relax ?? He also says that he earns more than him so it is fair I do all the cleaning. Good to hear others thoughts/ experiences/ words of wisdom. Are my feelings founded? Needed to vent😮‍💨

Troll get your that earns more than him straight.

OP here, typo- *he earns more than me

Am I being dumb but I can’t understand why that should matter?

We are also a dual income household and my DH says this too to get out of doing housework. I think it should be based on the hours we each work, not how much we get paid for our work.

I feel this way sometimes too. DH will clean the kitchen but that's about it, and even with the kitchen he will just deal with the dishes -- he's never wiped down the stove top or scoured the sink cleaned out the fridge beyond tossing a few takeout containers.

Having a DH like this PLUS young kids can be hard even if you're not obsessive about cleaning because they (the DH) becomes like another child you must clean up after. Sometimes I feel like the maid. DH also has habits like eating food out of his hands while walking through the house (like he'll grab a handful of chips or crackers and then walk through the living room eating them out of his hand, getting crumbs everywhere). The kids see this and they do it too. Meanwhile I'm the only one who ever vacuums or dusts, so seeing this pisses me off.

I've dealt with this by being vocal about certain messes. Sometimes DH just makes a big mess and I just tell him "I will not clean this and it must be cleaned up now." Like once he dropped a full container of flour in the pantry while cooking and just left it there, and when I came up on it hours later, he said "yeah, I know it needs to get cleaned up but I was cooking and then I was tired." NO. I got out the cleaning supplied needed for that job and told him exactly how it need to be cleaned and that it could not be left any longer (some of the flour had fallen into the dog's food and water bowls, so we were dealing with wet flour congealing on the floor, it was ridiculous). He grumbled but did it. I think he appreciated me explaining how to clean it up because I think half the battle with him sometimes is that he doesn't know how to approach certain cleaning and no one has ever told him.

I will also just tell him he needs to clean a bathroom that he recently used or that he can't postpone certain cleaning activities because they get worse with time (he has done things like cleaned up a milk spill and then thrown the towel soaked with milk in the bottom of a hamper with a bunch of sweaty workout clothes, and left it for days for me to discover when I do the laundry, it is disgusting).

So basically I just make him clean when he does stuff that is so gross it makes me mad to clean it up. But I also complain about it enough that it guilts him into doing more other stuff and that's made it more equal. Like cutting the grass occasionally is not equal to doing ALL cleaning, but cutting the grass, cleaning out the cars and getting regular service on them, dealing with all the kids' summer camp stuff, doing runs to the dump or goodwill when I clean out a closet, etc., comes closer. I don't just accept that I'm the one who cleans and oh well. I make it clear that if I'm the one doing almost all cleaning, he better be picking up the slack elsewhere. After about 10 years, he mostly does.