I've been thinking about this a lot, OP. I decided I would just go my own way, do my own things, live my own life as best I can. DH doesn't get in the way, so that's good, even though DH doesn't contribute much either. We are not wealthy, don't own two homes, so we just live in our family home. Kids are grown, and we both love them and want to spend time with them. Kids seem to like it when we're together, so I guess we're still keeping that up for their sake.
I have a lot of plans, hobbies, interests, friends that I don't share with DH. I travel with friends, and DH stays home. It works out OK, not perfectly, but OK.
Life is no fairy tale, OP, and you have to make choices. I do love my DH, but I have to live my own life.

Divorce and live in the same house.

Some couples just live parallel lives after some point. Whether it brings peace or not probably depends on the financial equity. If both partners are relatively equal earners, that might work. If one needs to spend the other's income, it probably won't.

Bill and Hillary Clinton live parallel lives, I believe.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have been married a long long time and our kids are grown. We largely live separate lives and largely live in separate homes (we have two). We do travel together on occasion and spend lots of time together when we’re with extended family. We never argue about money because we are pretty well off and we’re both conservative spenders.

My spouse definitely hates my guts though. It’s hard for them to be around me. I don’t feel the same way but I get tired of the tension sometimes.

This is so sad.

Meh marriage poster here. DH really irritates me. DH sometimes says I hate when the way he breathes. This is not true. I don’t hate him at all. I like him. I love him but not in love with him. He is the father of my children and we share that close bond.

I hope he doesn’t think that I hate him because I don’t hate him at all. Several/many/all things he does annoys me though. Even good tasks have a way of bothering me.

If your spouse is always in a bad mood they might be dealing with some anxiety or depression and really struggling to cope. Regardless of which direction you take your marriage I think you should try to help them if they are struggling right now. Instead of broaching it with them like you want separate bedrooms, you need to tackle the issue here. It’s hard to be around someone unhappy. It’s causing you to need to escape.

In the same boat. No suggestions.

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have been married a long long time and our kids are grown. We largely live separate lives and largely live in separate homes (we have two). We do travel together on occasion and spend lots of time together when we’re with extended family. We never argue about money because we are pretty well off and we’re both conservative spenders.

My spouse definitely hates my guts though. It’s hard for them to be around me. I don’t feel the same way but I get tired of the tension sometimes.

This is so sad.

Anonymous wrote:Why not actually work on becoming the partners you want each other to be? Sit down, discuss it as third option and work on it.

DP. That third option is not always viable.

Sometimes people like who they are and don't want to change for a partner.

My sister is quiet and sweet. She realized that she had to be more outspoken to make her marriage work. She was not interested in changing who she was. She does very well in other aspects of her life. And there is no way her DH would change if she was not more outspoken. So the marriage was doomed and she knew it.

I was in a similar situation with a similar DH and family situation. I focused on my happiness and starting doing things that I really wanted to do that I had been putting off. It was invigorating and I felt alive again. I made some career moves, did fun things with my kids without inviting DH and didn't have to deal with feeling his constant resentment and bad mood when we were trying to have fun. I deepened my friendships and made some new ones and got some emotional connection with other humans. I was feeling great, but STBX, not so much. He called it quits after a petty disagreement. Maybe he didn't want me to be happy either? Currently, I'm in the process of separation so life sucks for now, but I think I'll be back to being happy again once the dust feels settles. Focus on making more money so you can support another household in case he leaves and you may want to lose those 10 pounds so you feel confident if you are back in the dating pool at some point.

Why not actually work on becoming the partners you want each other to be? Sit down, discuss it as third option and work on it.

I’m one of the meh marriage posters.

We know people who live in the same house waiting for kids to become adults. I’m pretty sure my friend plans to move out as soon as kid goes to college. She stays in these room. Spouse is in master.

I knew a couple who were legally married but lived totally separate lives unless there was a family event like graduation, birthdays, weddings, etc. I’m not sure if their extended family knew their livigg situation.

Our next door neighbor is supposedly marriages but I have never once seen the husband. The neighbor mostly lives in her vacation home. I believe she has 2. Have no idea where the husband lives. Have never seen him.

I think I will spend more time in my vacation home when kids are gone. I don’t mind Dh. We are kind of like coparenting roommates. He bothers me for sex sometimes and I am mostly annoyed and sometimes give in. I actually think our marriage would be better if we just had a totally sexless marriage.

Anonymous wrote:https://5lovelanguages.com/

Does your ‘love language’ really matter? Scientists are skeptical.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2024/01/15/love-languages-lack-of-research/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have been married a long long time and our kids are grown. We largely live separate lives and largely live in separate homes (we have two). We do travel together on occasion and spend lots of time together when we’re with extended family. We never argue about money because we are pretty well off and we’re both conservative spenders.

My spouse definitely hates my guts though. It’s hard for them to be around me. I don’t feel the same way but I get tired of the tension sometimes.

And you call this sh**t marriage..Jesus

DP.

I think this is actually better than my marriage. Lol. It's easier to just ignore someone you hate. I don't give much energy to people I don't care about so i could live peacefully in that PP's marriage if I were the spouse who hated the other one.

In my marriage, I might have to ignore someone I love and live with them in the same house if they don't change. If the love dies, I will stay. If it does not, I will divorce.

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have been married a long long time and our kids are grown. We largely live separate lives and largely live in separate homes (we have two). We do travel together on occasion and spend lots of time together when we’re with extended family. We never argue about money because we are pretty well off and we’re both conservative spenders.

My spouse definitely hates my guts though. It’s hard for them to be around me. I don’t feel the same way but I get tired of the tension sometimes.

And you call this sh**t marriage..Jesus

Anonymous wrote:I’m so curious: what is his objection to the separate bedroom. That may be helpful info

NP
If you have to ask…