My DD told me very little about what was going on in her life outside home from 12 to about 20. As she matured she’s been much more open and sharing. It was really rough going for a while, but now that she’s 24 we have a great rapport.

You are 100% in the right to monitor her txts. But you really should be looking at them to make sure nothing weird is going on. If you use info from those txts to pry about things she hasn’t shared yet, you really are violating her privacy. Try to learn to skim for problems and not to follow her txts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should stop reading her texts OP. That’s likely part of the issue. She deserves some privacy. You’re using it to get information about her life and start a dialogue with her that she is not choosing or wanting to engage in with you. Imagine how that’s landing for her. She trying to draw some boundaries, which is appropriate for her age. Back off and you’ll get more information at some point.

Yes you spot check the phone for new contacts and keep your eye on things. But fully learning about her life through the texts and talking to her about it? No.

+1

+2. I agree with this as well. It's one thing to be monitoring for inappropriate/concerning things, it's another to be trying to glean information for conversation starters.

It's normal for kids that age to not talk a lot about how their school day was, what's happening in their classes, and I'm not sure what you want to know about her friends. The other parents (i.e., moms) who are messaging you about drama and crushes? That's weird. I can't think of any texting I've done with other parents other than about logistics of the kids hanging out with each other. They sound entirely too wrapped up in the nonsense.

And maybe you have a DD like mine, who tries her very best to stay out of the drama.

Anonymous wrote:Totally. We had a lot of talks on walks, and spending money on Starbucks was money well spent.

Yeah - DP - OP you should find a good time when DD is relaxed. My DD same age as anxiety and def has days she rages on me - the hormones are nuts and I swear it's hot and cold and I can't keep track of her moods! I swear I have no idea why she's always mad at me but then turns around and all is well and vice versa.

The thing is, she will talk to me. I started in 5th grade having night chats with her. We try to get lights out 10 min earlier than usually and it pads some extra time - we can talk more like 30, 10, 45 min - whatever. The lights are off and I lie in bed next to her and we just start talking. Anything and everything. It's like she doesn't even know she's confiding in me - like magic I tell you! We talk about wishes of what she wants to be, fun stuff, news, if I ask her about school and classes she'll tell me, we don't really have any specific topics to cover and every talk is different. Sometimes she just wants to know how something works. Compound interest was our topic last night! LOL

We don't do it every night and mostly would on school nights but we do try. The routine has helped me now that she's in 6th grade. She's used to this time to talk about anything and everything. I have to be careful - I can't say stuff I know will piss her off not give her advice she ordinarily does not want to hear or take - so this time is not a time when she wouldn't typically listen to me magically does. What it is is a time that she's relaxed and things tend to spill when she' may be hormonal and defensive during the day or some other time and less willing to divulge. It's an opportunity to know what's up and I can ask her about something specific subject wise and she's not defensive about it. I really enjoy this time plus I know it's not a time she'll go nuts on me! LOL

Anonymous wrote:You should stop reading her texts OP. That’s likely part of the issue. She deserves some privacy. You’re using it to get information about her life and start a dialogue with her that she is not choosing or wanting to engage in with you. Imagine how that’s landing for her. She trying to draw some boundaries, which is appropriate for her age. Back off and you’ll get more information at some point.

Yes you spot check the phone for new contacts and keep your eye on things. But fully learning about her life through the texts and talking to her about it? No.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Put her to bed at night after the phone is no longer assessable and she’s had downtime to unwind. ALLLLLL the emotions and drama comes out right as she should be going to sleep and you can’t wait to hit the sack. Turn yourself over to it and let it come.

So much truth to this. I sit next to DD when she's in bed, with the lights off, and often have to say absolutely nothing; whatever angst she's holding in tends to come out. Longer car rides are another; sitting next to each other and not facing each other seems to help a great deal.

My oldest rarely told me anything as a young teen and honestly didn't like me very much LOL. But around 16/17 she started opening up and as a 20yr old we are like best friends. She tells me almost everything and I never even have to ask.

My 14yr old her AND her friends tell me a lot. Like I am surprised some of the things they tell me. But some of them have really bad home lives and I always think they are looking for motherly advice. So I have to walk that line carefully and not over step. But I never ever talk to my friends or their parents about anything. I only would if it was life threatening.

Put her to bed at night after the phone is no longer assessable and she’s had downtime to unwind. ALLLLLL the emotions and drama comes out right as she should be going to sleep and you can’t wait to hit the sack. Turn yourself over to it and let it come.

My dd was like that at 13 and 14. From 15 onwards it has been the opposite: she tells me eeeeverything. So I guess letting her know that you are there, backing off a little until she is ready and just waiting until the weird stage is over could be the way to go?

I think maybe you try a reset with her. The habit of throughly reading texts like this not just for safety issues (drugs, sex, cheating, drinking…) but for minute details of her social life I would think is creating a barrier. I would not talk to you either if I thought you were already of lurking over my every word - that feels creepy and like someone I would want to push away. Go out to a special dinner or coffee or something. Ask her how she feels about your reading her texts beyond just being angry about it. See if you can come up with a compromise where she knows you have access to check her texts but you agree not to check unless you feel she is in danger and if you do need to check you will just skim for big issues. (She is old enough she will sort how to hide her texts from you soon anyways so better to not give her a reason to do so.) Also talk to her about why you have been reading her texts so thoroughly — to keep her safe but also to find out about her life since you feel cut off. Promise to focus on monitoring her phone for safety and coming to talk to her about her life. It seems like your slip up where it was obvious to you both how much you have been reading her texts is a good opportunity for a good conversation and for real bonding.