Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:52     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Anonymous wrote:We are on vacation with our kids and also my dad and it’s not gone well.

I planned and booked the trip. I figured out how to pay for it. I planned the tours. I rented the car and did all the driving. I bought the groceries. I did the laundry on the trip. I packed everything for the kids and I. I studied the maps. I hired the babysitter to give me a break.

But I really got decision fatigue, and I blew up on my DH and my dad and tearfully begged them to please take the next day and plan it. They keep saying they want to “just relax”. I would be thrilled to do that too, but we have 3 boys ages 5, 6, and 7 and relaxing just isn’t going to happen. They need supervision and exercise.

I just….this trip has made me realize I don’t want this life anymore. I feel like my DH is completely checked out of our life. We don’t even sleep in the same room and booked a place with separate bedrooms. DH isn’t interested in sex with me-I’ve tried. We’ve had sex maybe 10 times in the last 5 years.

I told DH over dinner last night that I’m thinking about divorce. And he just responds that things are really stressful but they are going to get easier and then it will be better. But it’s been like this for years.

DH isn’t a bad guy but he’s the quintessential absent minded professor and I’m tired of having to constantly remind him of things and double check everything. I feel like I can’t rely on him for anything because while he is well intentioned, he lacks attention to detail and forgets important things (like medicine for our kids).

We’ve done therapy-it hasn’t helped at all. Is the next step divorce? Or I guess just continuing to live separate lives in the same household?


Too long again troll
Too many re-conjured up topics troll.
Same lame writing style troll.
Same hypotheticals troll.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:49     Subject: Re:Absent minded professor DH and vacation
I relate with this so much. After many years of planning and doing all the legwork for our vacations, at a certain point, I just stopped. I was done. It wasn't just that I was doing all the things, it was also that there was a lot of complaining involved and after a while, I questioned why I spent the time, effort and money.

Then, without urging, at some point DH stepped up and started planning them. And those were the best vacations because I didn't have to plan a thing! But then those vacations usually involved DH blowing up like you did after decision fatigue and said he couldn't keep making all the decisions anymore.

Generally now, I'm perfectly happy not vacationing. I realize that our family is not really made for that kind of thing. Our kids can be a pain when they are traveling. We just need simpler things. They are as happy in our backyard or at home as they are on some extravagant vacation trip. I can also accept that DH and I will one day vacation again when the kids are away at college.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:48     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.


Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.


Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out


Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.


Nope.

When women have "control issues" nomatter what anybody does it's not good enough and their H's/kids/siblings/friends just stop helping and then they act like a martyr.

They have created their own situation but they won't admit it. They also won't change. They can't even let people load the dishwasher because it's not right. They see the "made bed" as not good enough. They are control FREAKS.

Repeat after me "I'm the problem it's me."

OP needs individual therapy to stop being such a PITA to live with.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:43     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.


Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.


Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out


Come on. When women have "control issues" it's because they know if they don't project manage the family, nothing is going to get done - and women, let's just face it, are generally more attuned to the consequences of that then the men tend to be.

Will it be apocalyptic if the kids don't get out to do something? Maybe not. Will it lead to fights and a bad day? Sounds like OP knows the answer to that. And her husband is just so accustomed to OP taking care of everything that he's not taking any sort of charge. Just like OP suspected he wouldn't.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:37     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
I feel really bad for you and understand you have bigger problems (like not sleeping together) and smaller, immediate problems (like this vacation).

I'd just suggest you never take a trip (this is not a vacation) like this again. Your boys need a resort with a kids club. A VRBO situation is really hard and for me, totally not worth it. If I'm still cooking and doing laundry, it's not a vacation. Just something for next time.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:35     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
+1 to the idea that your DH is not on board with taking in the additional child, and is showing his resentment in various ways.

I think you need to plan vacations at places that have a day program for kids or that provide babysitters to go along with your family. That way it can be relaxing for you. If swim safety is a concern, go somewhere that doesn't have water.

It does seem like you're headed for divorce so I think you need to focus on getting the kids to be more self-sufficient so that they can be safe with an inadequate parent. And figure out your money situation.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:34     Subject: Re:Absent minded professor DH and vacation
My friend's H is like you. They went to Spain and he got COVID and had to quarantine for 10 days and it was the best 10 day vacation they ever had.

No cooking, no cleaning, no tours, nothing... just sat by the pool, walked down to the beach, walked into town to get food... relaxing.

Think about that.

THEY WANT TO RELAX NOT PLAN, PLAN, PLAN... RUN, RUN, RUN, CLEAN, CLEAN, COOK, PLAN.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:32     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.


Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.


Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out


She's a control freak who moved her sibling child into their home and creates a very hard vacation and then complains.

Everybody will be happier not living with her full time, is she ready for that?
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:28     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Anonymous wrote:We are on vacation with our kids and also my dad and it’s not gone well.

I planned and booked the trip. I figured out how to pay for it. I planned the tours. I rented the car and did all the driving. I bought the groceries. I did the laundry on the trip. I packed everything for the kids and I. I studied the maps. I hired the babysitter to give me a break.

But I really got decision fatigue, and I blew up on my DH and my dad and tearfully begged them to please take the next day and plan it. They keep saying they want to “just relax”. I would be thrilled to do that too, but we have 3 boys ages 5, 6, and 7 and relaxing just isn’t going to happen. They need supervision and exercise.

I just….this trip has made me realize I don’t want this life anymore. I feel like my DH is completely checked out of our life. We don’t even sleep in the same room and booked a place with separate bedrooms. DH isn’t interested in sex with me-I’ve tried. We’ve had sex maybe 10 times in the last 5 years.

I told DH over dinner last night that I’m thinking about divorce. And he just responds that things are really stressful but they are going to get easier and then it will be better. But it’s been like this for years.

DH isn’t a bad guy but he’s the quintessential absent minded professor and I’m tired of having to constantly remind him of things and double check everything. I feel like I can’t rely on him for anything because while he is well intentioned, he lacks attention to detail and forgets important things (like medicine for our kids).

We’ve done therapy-it hasn’t helped at all. Is the next step divorce? Or I guess just continuing to live separate lives in the same household?


Op my DH is similar and completely unable/unwilling to plan or keep track of details so I can relate to a lot of your frustration with being unable to rely on him in many things. That said he is willing to pick up the slack on much of the grunt work/directed tasks so in the vacation examples above he would absolutely be doing the driving and would happily do laundry/grocery shopping if I asked him to. Instead of asking your DH to “plan a day” which clearly isn’t his forte have you tried just asking for him to do more concrete specific tasks that will take some of the responsibility off of you (if not the mental load).

Also if you’re traveling with two other able bodied adults why on earth do you need to hire a babysitter in order to have a break? Just tell your dad and your DH that you want an afternoon to yourself to go sightsee/go to a spa/relax at a cafe and just check out for a bit and let them stay back to handle the kids. If you can’t trust DH to do so or he’s unwilling give you the time off it’s a bigger problem.

Similarly your dad should be able to watch the kids one evening (especially since it sounds like he’s not contributing much to the vacation otherwise) so that you and your husband can go out for a date night if you want to do so.


Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:26     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
OP, your husband is a checked out father. You need therapy for you. And stop trying to plan anything complicated, and stop making things less than simple, when you are trying to raise four kids, unless you have money for lots of help.

I have seen this over the years - one parent is the "planner", and one parent is checked out - or (worse) both parents are checked out. In one instance, the mom would try to pawn off the husband and kids on other families. She would be home 24/7, and just couldn't bear to be around her DH or her kids. (Background: she got married and had kids to "check the boxes", but every time her DH is unbearable or wallowing in his own self pity and miserable yet again, she tries to detract and blame it on someone else. The excuses are endless.) Needless to say, the couple doesn't like each other, at all. Do you at least like your DH? If not, it is time to go - stop wasting everyone's time.

Your kids know something is up, they are too little to figure it out now, but when they are older they will see that your family is different, and overwhelmed.

Try to make happy memories together, by doing simple things together, as a group. Tours or anything with logistics is just making your lives miserable. Your kids are young - try to enjoy them.

Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:25     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
I think people have in realistic vacation expectations and then reality smacks them in the face they just don’t know how to handle it, get frustrated, and give up.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:20     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Marriage is just not a good deal for women because they end with all the emotional labour and I am saying this as a happily married man who tries to be mindful of this. My wife appreciates me as a partner but I think she still takes 60% of the load in maintaining the relationship. Men need individual therapy before getting married!
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:20     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.


Actually do it for 2 days... of course they will be fine but i'm sure OP would be like...


the kids at cereal, they watched tv, they didn't do laundry, the house was a mess....

um it's vacation all of those things are fine... but of course OP would freak out.


Pp here who suggested she take a break. I do think one day would be better for her to start with I do agree that op may have some control issues, but her dh is also part of this—sounds like they aren’t a team right now. I had some control issues that started with ppd when my kids were younger and my dh is super attentive and competent. I wouldn’t have been able to let go if I thought he wasn’t really caring for the kids.

So…baby steps for op and her dh! They need to work to figure this out
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:17     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Your husband seems to have inattentive ADHD, and is possibly also on the autism spectrum... but none of these diagnoses are associated with lack of sexual drive. That's a separate issue, OP.

My husband is ASD/ADHD, and it has been a marriage with lots of ups and downs. I have considered divorce many times, because of his anger issues. He has difficulty with daily tasks and general planning and scheduling. However, he's not checked out of our lives, mine and the kids, and he seeks out intimacy.

You should do your own research about all these diagnoses, have a frank discussion with him about it, discuss divorce or an open marriage, and possibly try therapy (didn't work for us, but it might for you).

I'm sorry you are not supported by your family, OP. Best of luck.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2024 08:13     Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:First of all, stop excusing and enabling your DH's behavior with cutesie names like "absent minded professor". Your DH is overwhelmed, and so are you.

Does your DH have ASD?


Op here. No. We are both overwhelmed but that’s life-we have young kids, a house, careers, etc. it’s overwhelming but those parameters are what they are.



But you are excusing his behavior, which I reasonably presume is making his behavior spiral down, not get better. You have four kids, did you think it would be easy?

Is he depressed?


Op here. We have 3 kids (well, we have 2 but are long term fostering the 6 year old for a sibling who is struggling).

He’s not depressed.

I hate his behavior and am not excusing it. I’m just completely resigned. I’ve gotten him a medical check up, I’ve gone to therapy (as a couple and individually), I’ve deployed all kids of strategies and techniques for coping with his ADHD/forgetfulness/unreliability. He is who he is and I’ve accepted that I cannot change him or convince him to change.


Whose sibling - yours or his? How involved/on board was he with the fostering situation? Has he been like this since your kids were born or did it change when you added the third kid?

Don't get me wrong, what you're doing is an amazing thing, and I hope the sibling and the child appreciate the depth of your love and devotion. I'm just curious if it's your sibling and your husband didn't feel like he had a say in the matter and now he's upset about the family dynamic he's in.

We were asked by a niece (my husband's sister's daughter) to take her in, so I do understand the complexities of that, and I personally didn't feel any less connected to her because she was from my husband's side of the family versus mine, but I don't know if that's a mom thing or not. I could see a man failing to bond with a nephew from his wife's family in some cases. Just pointing that out in case a conversation around that topic is needed.