People look right through me or seem annoyed when they have to deal with me, even when I'm being pleasant and polite.

I'm a frumpy overweight 40's mom, and I don't relate to this at all. I find the vast majority of people are kind and respond nicely if I speak to them nicely. People of all ages, women and men, have gone out of their way to help me out in various situations, and I also help people out when I am in a position to. On the rare occasion that someone is sullen to me or looks through me, it is jarring because it is so unusual.

I'm 58. i am only invisible when I am by myself or with a group of women my age. When I'm with my young adult kids or spouse, no one ignores me. But when with my friends - absolutely unseen.

The worst is restaurants. We are big tippers (really!) but women have a reputation of not being big tippers. We get lousy service almost all the time. And we get worse table than when with our spouses, too.

Oh, and I still dye my hair, and I'm thin and fit. And I dress well and in very expensive clothes (think Lori Piana, not Gucci). Doesn't matter at all.

62, I find coloring my hair and a bit of makeup helps.
I've worked on my personality so I think I'm treated better now than when I was 40. A lot is having a smile and the verbal approach. Some Dale Carnegie skills verbal skills also help.

Anonymous wrote:I feel it. I had heard about it and I didn't doubt my friends who said it happened, but I am really feeling it and it's worse than I thought it would be. I thought maybe it would be nice to get rid of certain male attention, and that I might enjoy being kind of incognito in the world.

But the reality feels awful. People look right through me or seem annoyed when they have to deal with me, even when I'm being pleasant and polite.

Also, very depressing: the effect is 100% worse when my grays are coming in around my temple, or I don't wear makeup, or I'm dressed in more "middle aged lady" clothes (like an LL Bean fleece and jeans or something, as opposed to professional clothes or a dress). I'm healthy and fit with attractive, symmetrical features, so it's not like I look like a troll on a no makeup days with a few grays coming through. But I get treated MUCH worse when I look like this than if I color my hair and put effort into looking more feminine and younger. Even by people (like other women) for whom it really should not matter.

Wondering if others feel this way.

No. Not until about 58. I’m a Black woman.

Anonymous wrote:I feel it. I had heard about it and I didn't doubt my friends who said it happened, but I am really feeling it and it's worse than I thought it would be. I thought maybe it would be nice to get rid of certain male attention, and that I might enjoy being kind of incognito in the world.

But the reality feels awful. People look right through me or seem annoyed when they have to deal with me, even when I'm being pleasant and polite.

Also, very depressing: the effect is 100% worse when my grays are coming in around my temple, or I don't wear makeup, or I'm dressed in more "middle aged lady" clothes (like an LL Bean fleece and jeans or something, as opposed to professional clothes or a dress). I'm healthy and fit with attractive, symmetrical features, so it's not like I look like a troll on a no makeup days with a few grays coming through. But I get treated MUCH worse when I look like this than if I color my hair and put effort into looking more feminine and younger. Even by people (like other women) for whom it really should not matter.

Wondering if others feel this way.

Yawn. Youth is wasted on the young. You are reaping what you have sown.

Anonymous wrote:If you feel that way, it’s just your pretty privilege expiring.

There’s probably a nicer way to say that, but I think it may be true for some. I’m a five on a good day. Was athletic, played pick up games sometimes as the only woman, coached, have ann engineering degree, etc. In other words, I was on the fringe of the men’s world. I still get looped in by them tjough my pretty friends never had the same
Kinda of connections with the guys. Ditto when I meet new men.

I'm 15 years past that so I'm basically invisible. I'm kind of okay with that.

^ and I don't mean being treated worse, actually, OP. Being treated differently. I feel a lot of response to one's appearance is a reaction to one's sexuality. Some men might be attracted, some women repulsed. After menopause, it feels like there are other criteria at play. You could even be treated better, maybe. But you're not judged on the same things.

I'm 43 and look young so it hasn't kicked in yet, but I'm sure it will. Menopausal women have hormonal changes that make that definitive anyway. This doesn't mean we can't look elegant, fun, or whatever we want to project after that. But there's definitely a change I notice in my friends at menopause. They cross a line and others (men and other women) do not respond to them in the same way.

Anonymous wrote:I gained a lot of weight which I haven’t lost (about forty pounds overweight) and I’m treated this way. It’s disheartening. I wonder if men have the same experience?

I’m also 38 but look slightly younger, but curious if by the time I lose it I’ll just be “old” and therefore not worth being nice to.



V depressing

At around 37 I lost a lot of weight and had the experience of going from invisible to visible. What I have noticed is just much nicer treatment. For example, I was looking for a specific item in a plumbing supply store but I wasn’t sure about the size I needed, so the young guy at the counter just gave it to me. This wouldn’t have happened if I were at my previous weight. It just wouldn’t have. I initially found it jarring and once started a thread about it and other women noticed the same thing.

People (men and women) smile and are just nicer at places where we’re all a little annoyed like at Costco. Men will be more inclined to help with things like putting my bag in the overhead compartment on the plane- things like that. Now there are always some people who are nice, polite, and helpful. But now that I am thinner, there seem to be a lot MORE of those people, and an awful lot seem to be very eager men. I initially found it quite jarring and once started a thread about it and other women noticed the same thing.

I wish we were a society that respected all older people and gave them this treatment but we aren’t. It is what it is. I feel lucky that at nearly 40 years old I am getting treated this way and when it’s gone, it’s gone and that’s fine. I survived a decade being overweight and invisible and my life was otherwise absolutely fine. My husband always sees the most beautiful girl when he looks at me and that’s all that matters.

I gained a lot of weight adjacent to serious health issues in my 40s and in recent years I stopped coloring my hair so it is mainly silver - and now I wear it in a very short pixie to boot.

Honestly, after decades of men looking at my breasts instead of my eyes - from working class men to very well educated professional men who were my colleagues in the legal system - I am incredibly grateful to be invisible again like I was before my breasts started growing when I was 10 years old. It is SO liberating!

But then it’s been decades since I measured myself by the male gaze so I have zero hurt or sadness about it. When I can tell that a man - or other woman - is sneering at my dowdiness, I secretly laugh at them on the inside for being such a shallow loser.

I have compassion for people whose sense of self is so tied to appearance and the acceptance of others. I was there once and I know how painful it can be.

Anonymous wrote:It has never made me feel bad - been fast since my 20s and I consider it awesome. You can tell who is actually kind. And you can learn from it be kind to all ages/types of people. What a gift if you realize it.

*fat

It has never made me feel bad - been fast since my 20s and I consider it awesome. You can tell who is actually kind. And you can learn from it be kind to all ages/types of people. What a gift if you realize it.

Yes, I started feeling invisible and noticed that I was no longer treated as well as I used to be right around 40, maybe a little later.

I got a lot of attention when younger (not all of it welcome) and was generally treated quite well (although not always) thanks to winning the genetic lottery. That is pretty much over now at 53, although vestiges remain.

Anonymous wrote:Now you know how the "nice guys" felt in their 20s. Always overlooked for the "bad boy" guy who can't even hold down a job.

This statement is cringe, but middle-age women do start to feel how pretty much all guys feel - invisible. There is really only a small cohort of the population (20-40 y/o women) that get extra attention.