Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't approve for their child or for your child? It kind of makes a difference if they are complaining about you or just mentioning their own preference for parenting.

Op here - parenting for my child. They think my kids SN is a symptom of my bad parenting. Like I caused autism, adhd, and a physical disability because I wasn’t strict enough.

Writing it down makes me realize how insane this was… how was I friends with this person for decades?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think almost no one gets thru life without having some experience that makes them realize “hey life isn’t merit based and I didnt earn all this”

The older you get, the more people have had the life experiences that give them the aha moment… I find that I like more of my peers now (I’m almost 50) than I did a decade or two ago

So take comfort maybe that someday, somehow, somewhere, this judgy mama who thinks her life is good because she earned it, will stumble onto the revelation that shit happens and what really matters is how you treat people.

Hugs OP.

Interesting (I don't mean that in a snarky way). I'm 58 and my experience is that fewer people than should have that aha moment you talk about. My experience is that as they age their beliefs in their merit and superior parenting are reinforced. I think it's me that's changed - I have a lot fewer Fs to give.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, lost friends and family. I pick my kid all day, everyday and if people can’t see the love and support behind that and judge me for it, they aren’t my people.

Anonymous wrote:Minor vent. Anyone else have adult friendships that didn’t last because of parenting styles SN vs NT?

I had a long time friendship fizzle. They told me they don’t approve of my “lax” parenting style and choices we’ve made with our child. Except this isnt apples to apples.

The friend is a tiger mom type and is really hard on their NT kid “How does Larlo expect to get into Yale if he doesn’t get into the MS GT magnet?!!” “Why is he only 2nd chair in 4th grade orchestra? He needs to practice harder.”

My child has autism and laundry list of SN. We follow a therapeutic style of parenting that was given to us by neuropsych. It has done wonders for our child, but is as far from tiger mom as you can get.

It became painful to interact. My kid refused play dates because the mom “makes me feel bad.”

Anyone else lose friendships over SN parent life?

Anonymous wrote:Neurodiversity aside, my mother produced a documentary series and book about tiger parented ‘genius’ kids in the 90s.

Not a one went on to great things. Not one.

Now look at will Ferrell. Will Ferrell got into advanced gifted classes. But didn’t want to go bc it would have meant missing his square dancing class that he loved. Bc he’s super weird and hilarious. And his mom said fine - square dancing wins.

Lesson: parent the kid you have and that’s how they win.

Anonymous wrote:I think almost no one gets thru life without having some experience that makes them realize “hey life isn’t merit based and I didnt earn all this”

The older you get, the more people have had the life experiences that give them the aha moment… I find that I like more of my peers now (I’m almost 50) than I did a decade or two ago

So take comfort maybe that someday, somehow, somewhere, this judgy mama who thinks her life is good because she earned it, will stumble onto the revelation that shit happens and what really matters is how you treat people.

Hugs OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't approve for their child or for your child? It kind of makes a difference if they are complaining about you or just mentioning their own preference for parenting.

There's a difference between stating your own preferences *for your own kids* and making broad proclamations about how you are "supposed" to parent. OP is talking about the latter.

With parent friends, you have two broad approaches to parenting differences (whether they involve SN kids or not). There's (1) limiting your circle of family friends to people who parent like you, and (2) learning to be tolerant and open-minded about how other people parent.

You can also combine these in moderation. For instance, there are some parenting approaches I just don't want to be around. I wouldn't befriend a family that spanked, for instance, or a family with a a very "children should be seen and no heard" approach. But beyond that, I try to take the approach that families are different, have different needs, and need to figure out what works for them. I don't assume that what works for us will work for others, and I don't give unsolicited parenting advice or present myself as a parenting expert even if the subject is something that works well in our family. That might just mean we got lucky that the way we chose to handle it worked for our kid, or that the conventional wisdom on that issue happened to suit our child's temperament. There are other areas in which we have struggled even trying different approaches, and where our kid was miserable with the conventional approach. Every family is different.

Anonymous wrote:Neurodiversity aside, my mother produced a documentary series and book about tiger parented ‘genius’ kids in the 90s.

Not a one went on to great things. Not one.

Now look at will Ferrell. Will Ferrell got into advanced gifted classes. But didn’t want to go bc it would have meant missing his square dancing class that he loved. Bc he’s super weird and hilarious. And his mom said fine - square dancing wins.

Lesson: parent the kid you have and that’s how they win.