Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 08:29     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
Anonymous wrote:When I was in NY my ex wife tried to get sole custody. The judge got so angry and let me tell you at least in NY sole custody is almost impossible. 50/50 is the standard norm today.

You should have fought harder for your kids from the start. I can’t believe a woman would be in this situation. Men are more known to just abandon their kids, but women that’s rare very rare.


You sound like an ass. This is not helpful, hopefully your wife won.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 08:28     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
Anonymous wrote:When I was in NY my ex wife tried to get sole custody. The judge got so angry and let me tell you at least in NY sole custody is almost impossible. 50/50 is the standard norm today.

You should have fought harder for your kids from the start. I can’t believe a woman would be in this situation. Men are more known to just abandon their kids, but women that’s rare very rare.


please read. when the custody case came before the judge, the parents were already living too far apart for 50-50 custody. the judge had to choose one parent for sole custody because 50-50 was physically impossible. I assume OP had several weeks of custody in the summers but I believe that anything less than 30% is usually considered sole custody.

the question for OP is why did she move away and why not move back, but that’s a different thread.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 08:23     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
When I was in NY my ex wife tried to get sole custody. The judge got so angry and let me tell you at least in NY sole custody is almost impossible. 50/50 is the standard norm today.

You should have fought harder for your kids from the start. I can’t believe a woman would be in this situation. Men are more known to just abandon their kids, but women that’s rare very rare.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 08:23     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
Start asking for a weekend for the kids to visit. Then school break for a week. He may really enjoy the newfound freedom and be more open to longer periods.

Eventually, if you can get them to live with you at least half or the whole time, and once it’s been a while (please document all the time you get them for), you could bring up the possibility of formalizing split custody and no child support (or full custody and no child support) so you are the right contact in case an emergency happens or something like that.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 08:13     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
When you fight you get into fighting mode. You will find where to place the comma. You will fight because that is your entire approach— and you have committed to that approach.

In contrast:

When you see things are easy and convenient:
you gravitate towards that. Comfort, convenience, peace. Those traits will be rewarded for most people. It might not be overnight. It takes time to regain trust.

Fighting is met with fighting.

I am guessing this pair is most people.

Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 08:13     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
Anonymous wrote:You don’t need a lawyer to have a happy life and to share children. The husband can decide to rip up whatever paper he has tomorrow. He can voluntarily do whatever he wants.

Here is a human truth: People like to do things voluntarily. People will follow through on things that they believe is their choice . Their choice .

Get there by concessions, compromise and lots of cooperation. Even if it hurts sometimes



^^this. you are wise.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 08:12     Subject: Re:How to get ex to give me back the kids
Anonymous wrote:You hire a lawyer and make it legal. There is no other way.


yes there is. the law does not actually mandate that the parents cannot voluntarily decide where the child lives. as long as the ex agrees to it the kids can stay with the mom. a confrontational legal approach here is going to trigger the ex, which OP needs to avoid. OP does need to create some sort of record that her ex consents, but she can do it under the guise of cooperation.

“Hey Fred, how about if the kids try out staying with me for a few months? I can enroll them in the school down the street. If you could just sign this enrollment form, that’s all we need. Oh, and do you mind if I take them to Dr Smith for their check ups?”
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 08:09     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
You don’t need a lawyer to have a happy life and to share children. The husband can decide to rip up whatever paper he has tomorrow. He can voluntarily do whatever he wants.

Here is a human truth: People like to do things voluntarily. People will follow through on things that they believe is their choice . Their choice .

Get there by concessions, compromise and lots of cooperation. Even if it hurts sometimes

Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 08:04     Subject: Re:How to get ex to give me back the kids
You hire a lawyer and make it legal. There is no other way.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 08:01     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband fought for custody and won. I was in a terrible place financially and newly unemployed when our divorce hearing was held- I think this was the deciding factor as the judge wrote that we were equally capable as parents (that and he hired the lawyer in the tiny jurisdiction we were in that wins all cases he’s involved in…but that’s another discussion).

It’s been the greatest heartbreak of my life, and I’m sure he fought for custody to hurt me. I’ve worked as hard as I can to be a constant source of love and support to our children. My ex-husband, by all appearances, hates the responsibility of fatherhood and is supremely neglectful: he expects the kids (who are only in elementary) to basically take care of all of their own needs, leaves them alone for long stretches, and drinks heavily/nurses hangovers around them pretty much every day. He’s also extremely impatient and hypercritical of them. My kids have begged both of us to live with me; he ignores it and I tell them it’s not up to me.

Recently I said to him that I don’t even want child support (which is true), but that I just want the kids back. He said that he was open to discussing this. FWIW all of his animus toward me seems to have faded and we are on friendly enough terms. He’s said he doesn’t want to have to go back to court and I agree (I’ve been through three lawyers; he’s still paying bills for his one).

How do I sweeten the deal so he just does it?



You start by refraining from casting aspersions upon him like the bolded. You must have been in an extraordinarily dangerous situation for the children for a judge to have denied you custody. And so this assertion that he did it to "hurt you" falls flat to me. Also, you say you're not there, so how can you know that he drinks heavily and nurses hangovers around them every day? That's some wild-ass conjecture. Moreover, expecting late-elementary school students to be somewhat self-sufficient isn't necessarily neglectful -- an entire generation of Xers will happily explain about how being latchkey kids was beneficial in the end.

The fact that you moved away AND got remarried is another major complication here. If you were local, 50-50 would be easier to obtain if you have, in fact, gotten your shit together. But asking him to essentially send his kids to you to live -- and make them live with another man who isn't their father, to boot -- is a little more problematic, IMO. I wouldn't agree to that based on what I know about the statistics of abuse, etc. by step-fathers.


man, just stfu because you have no understanding of the situation.

what happened is that OP moved away *with her kids.* at that point when the matter goes to court, the judge has to award full custody to one parent because joint custody is not physically possible. per OP the court awarded physical custody to her DH because of her financial situation. now arguably OP is at fault for moving in the first place and setting up this scenario, but she did not abandon her kids, and the court did not find she was an unfit parent because of an “extraordinary dangerous” situation. plus based on what OP says, her ExDH doesn’t even want to parent anymore. Your whole take on this situation is extremely biased.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 07:57     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait so you moved away from your kids to remarry? The judge is not going to uproot the kids for a parent who abandoned them —the bar will be very high for abuse and neglect for them to be uprooted. I assume that’s why you don’t want to go through judges or lawyers.

The answer to your question is, you can offer to take them for the entire summer and then enroll them in school where you are. After they have been with you for six months it is considered their new jurisdiction but if you simply don’t return them in violation of a filed existing custody order it is kidnapping if it’s without his consent.


I did not leave my ex to remarry. I left with the kids. When I fell on hard times my ex kept the kids under the guise of giving them back after a year so I could get back on my feet - but then filed for custody. Covid also prolonged the time between his time getting them and is having our case heard. We were separated for years before we got divorced.

You moved away with the kids before you ever got divorced and then fell into destitution. I think it was appropriate that he filed for custody and apparently the judge agreed. Now you want 100% custody again? Why is 50/50 not an option?


If the ex lives far away, real 50% is not really possible. I think the best you can do is school year with one parent and vacations and summer with the other parent -- unless the kids aren't in school yet.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 07:55     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband fought for custody and won. I was in a terrible place financially and newly unemployed when our divorce hearing was held- I think this was the deciding factor as the judge wrote that we were equally capable as parents (that and he hired the lawyer in the tiny jurisdiction we were in that wins all cases he’s involved in…but that’s another discussion).

It’s been the greatest heartbreak of my life, and I’m sure he fought for custody to hurt me. I’ve worked as hard as I can to be a constant source of love and support to our children. My ex-husband, by all appearances, hates the responsibility of fatherhood and is supremely neglectful: he expects the kids (who are only in elementary) to basically take care of all of their own needs, leaves them alone for long stretches, and drinks heavily/nurses hangovers around them pretty much every day. He’s also extremely impatient and hypercritical of them. My kids have begged both of us to live with me; he ignores it and I tell them it’s not up to me.

Recently I said to him that I don’t even want child support (which is true), but that I just want the kids back. He said that he was open to discussing this. FWIW all of his animus toward me seems to have faded and we are on friendly enough terms. He’s said he doesn’t want to have to go back to court and I agree (I’ve been through three lawyers; he’s still paying bills for his one).

How do I sweeten the deal so he just does it?



You start by refraining from casting aspersions upon him like the bolded. You must have been in an extraordinarily dangerous situation for the children for a judge to have denied you custody. And so this assertion that he did it to "hurt you" falls flat to me. Also, you say you're not there, so how can you know that he drinks heavily and nurses hangovers around them every day? That's some wild-ass conjecture. Moreover, expecting late-elementary school students to be somewhat self-sufficient isn't necessarily neglectful -- an entire generation of Xers will happily explain about how being latchkey kids was beneficial in the end.

The fact that you moved away AND got remarried is another major complication here. If you were local, 50-50 would be easier to obtain if you have, in fact, gotten your shit together. But asking him to essentially send his kids to you to live -- and make them live with another man who isn't their father, to boot -- is a little more problematic, IMO. I wouldn't agree to that based on what I know about the statistics of abuse, etc. by step-fathers.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 07:50     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait so you moved away from your kids to remarry? The judge is not going to uproot the kids for a parent who abandoned them —the bar will be very high for abuse and neglect for them to be uprooted. I assume that’s why you don’t want to go through judges or lawyers.

The answer to your question is, you can offer to take them for the entire summer and then enroll them in school where you are. After they have been with you for six months it is considered their new jurisdiction but if you simply don’t return them in violation of a filed existing custody order it is kidnapping if it’s without his consent.


I did not leave my ex to remarry. I left with the kids. When I fell on hard times my ex kept the kids under the guise of giving them back after a year so I could get back on my feet - but then filed for custody. Covid also prolonged the time between his time getting them and is having our case heard. We were separated for years before we got divorced.

You moved away with the kids before you ever got divorced and then fell into destitution. I think it was appropriate that he filed for custody and apparently the judge agreed. Now you want 100% custody again? Why is 50/50 not an option?


because her DH doesn’t want to parent.

Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 07:49     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait so you moved away from your kids to remarry? The judge is not going to uproot the kids for a parent who abandoned them —the bar will be very high for abuse and neglect for them to be uprooted. I assume that’s why you don’t want to go through judges or lawyers.

The answer to your question is, you can offer to take them for the entire summer and then enroll them in school where you are. After they have been with you for six months it is considered their new jurisdiction but if you simply don’t return them in violation of a filed existing custody order it is kidnapping if it’s without his consent.


I did not leave my ex to remarry. I left with the kids. When I fell on hard times my ex kept the kids under the guise of giving them back after a year so I could get back on my feet - but then filed for custody. Covid also prolonged the time between his time getting them and is having our case heard. We were separated for years before we got divorced.

You moved away with the kids before you ever got divorced and then fell into destitution. I think it was appropriate that he filed for custody and apparently the judge agreed. Now you want 100% custody again? Why is 50/50 not an option?
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2024 07:49     Subject: How to get ex to give me back the kids
Anonymous wrote:Wait so you moved away from your kids to remarry? The judge is not going to uproot the kids for a parent who abandoned them —the bar will be very high for abuse and neglect for them to be uprooted. I assume that’s why you don’t want to go through judges or lawyers.

The answer to your question is, you can offer to take them for the entire summer and then enroll them in school where you are. After they have been with you for six months it is considered their new jurisdiction but if you simply don’t return them in violation of a filed existing custody order it is kidnapping if it’s without his consent.


Please read the thread before you engage in meaningless screeds. OP did not move away from the kids. The six month thing is not true. Her exDH sounds like he will consent anyway.