The responses are divided between:

1. Wise people who know that appearances count and who can find ways to manage societal expectations as well as teen angst about same, so their daughters are aware what portion of intelligence, kindness and looks may contribute to their future success.

2. Insecure, foolish, women triggered by the fact others may or may not be prettier, and who strenuously insist that girls should be raised to be blind to appearances and only look at the beauty within. WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Anonymous wrote:These posters are mean.

OP, your DD is normal. My DD has a few "mom" categories:
1. Normal mom - probably what you are now.
2. Botox mom - mom who has way too much plastic surgery and big lips, dresses very nice and expensively
3. Pretty mom - thin, fit, naturally attractive
4. Doesn't care mom - the ones that let themselves go.

In her eyes I'm 3, I think. There isn't a whole lot of thought that goes into her evaluations, do don't put too much stock in it.

OP here. Thanks, PP, for your kind reply. I agree, I believe my daughter thinks in similar categories.

I really don't understand why am I getting roasted by the other posters here.

Anonymous wrote:I'll be blunt, OP: your post gives vibes of deep-seated insecurity with appearances and body issues.

Your job as a mom with regard to your daughter's body is to 1.) encourage your daughter to have good hygiene/nutrition/exercise habits and avoid drugs and alcohol, and 2.) have a good mental health approach and relationship to body stuff.
For the record, if dad is in the picture, this is his job, too.

If you want to up your game for YOU that's fine/great!

But comparing yourself to other moms, especially relative to size and age, is doing your daughter zero favors.

Also, be was pretty as you can be: your daughter will likely still be somewhat embarrassed by you for a variety of silly teen reasons.

NP here and I think this is a great response

OP, I really relate! It sounds kind of retrograde, but I don't think it is.

Like you, I was raised by a mom who didn't care at all about her looks. Or more accurately, she cared deeply about them because she was very ashamed of them, but didn't do anything change them. She has been very overweight since I was a kid, she puts no effort into dressing in a flattering way (forget being on trend or whatever -- just wearing flattering clothes that fit properly and look nice with her skin and hair). She would cut her own hair or get $5 haircuts at some cheap salons. She'd either wear no makeup or slather on foundation to even out her skin tone but then nothing else, so she'd look pale and bland.

I know all that sounds super harsh, but I don't mean it that way. I'm not mad at my mom for doing thing, it just makes me sad. And as an adolescent and teen, it was tough for me because as I went through puberty and started thinking about how I wanted to look, and also how my looks influenced how others perceived me, I felt very alone. My older sister was very savvy about all of that but had no interest in helping me along, in fact sometimes she was hostile to me and would nitpick my clothes or hair without giving me any support or guidance. My mom could also be very critical of me, and had this idea that making an effort with clothes or makeup was embarrassing, but also that my natural looks weren't good enough.

I think all of it stemmed from a place of self-loathing. She didn't think she deserved to put effort into her appearance because she was raised to think that "superficial" interests were shallow and embarrassing. But she also felt bad about her looks. And then she'd take this out on me because if I wore makeup or attempted to dress in a trendy way, she'd criticize me for being shallow, but she'd also tell me I wasn't attractive.

Anyway, I now have a daughter and I don't compete with her at all but I think I have a duty to demonstrate to her what it means to feel good about your appearance. I don't dress young for my age or wear a ton of makeup (but wouldn't judge a woman for doing either of those things) but I put effort into my appearance and choose clothes, hairstyles, makeup that make me feel good and like myself. My DD and I have bonded over clothes and beauty even though we have different taste. Sometimes I let her recommend things to me and I try them out, though I might say "no, not for me" if it doesn't suit me. But I encourage her to experiment and find stuff that feels good to her. I think we both have a healthy relationship with fashion/beauty. It doesn't dominate our lives but we have fun with it sometimes and we generally like how we look.

Anonymous wrote:

So, wait. You intend to COMPETE with your teenage daughter in terms of appearance?

Jesus.

OP here. No, I absolutely do not intend to compete with my gorgeous daughter. I merely want her to be proud of me and to consider me an attractive middle-aged woman, just like there are plenty of other attractive middle-aged women.

What I am trying to say is that beauty recently became important to her and now she evaluates me also through that lens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be blunt, OP: your post gives vibes of deep-seated insecurity with appearances and body issues.

Your job as a mom with regard to your daughter's body is to 1.) encourage your daughter to have good hygiene/nutrition/exercise habits and avoid drugs and alcohol, and 2.) have a good mental health approach and relationship to body stuff.
For the record, if dad is in the picture, this is his job, too.

If you want to up your game for YOU that's fine/great!

But comparing yourself to other moms, especially relative to size and age, is doing your daughter zero favors.

Also, be was pretty as you can be: your daughter will likely still be somewhat embarrassed by you for a variety of silly teen reasons.

Ha ha. Very true. I am one of the younger, "prettier" mothers in my daughter's circle, and she still pokes fun at me. Very rarely, I will come down in the morning, and she will look me up and down approvingly and say "you look nice today". HIGH PRAISE from a 13 year old girl!!! Nothing makes her happier than when I have an event and *I ask her opinion on what I should wear*. It sets her up so much! She has an eye for color, and usually her suggestions are appropriate for a 40-something mother.

Maybe you could ask your daughter to look through some of your outfits, and that will teach her to dress you for the figure you have, not the figure she wishes you had? And maybe you could go shopping together.

And another shallow twit.

This is why women just can't break the cycle. Because of other women.

Shallow Twit you replied to. You're very amusing, PP. I'm a research scientist and it may be the first time in my life I've been called shallow. Maybe the shallow person isn't the one you think, but I don't expect you to engage in such a deep self-reflection. You rock on with your surface-level virtue-signaling! Doesn't affect the rest of us in the least.

It drives my kids crazy that I have gray hair I don't color. I couldn't care less. I may well one day returning to coloring my hair, but only for myself.

Embarrassing parents is a fact of life for all teens. My mom was obese when I was a teen, and I made it a point not to be embarrassed of her. It took some work, but I managed to figure out how my mom's appearance did not say anything at all about me.

Anonymous wrote:These posters are mean.

OP, your DD is normal. My DD has a few "mom" categories:
1. Normal mom - probably what you are now.
2. Botox mom - mom who has way too much plastic surgery and big lips, dresses very nice and expensively
3. Pretty mom - thin, fit, naturally attractive
4. Doesn't care mom - the ones that let themselves go.

In her eyes I'm 3, I think. There isn't a whole lot of thought that goes into her evaluations, do don't put too much stock in it.

That’s disordered, not normal, but you taught her that so wouldn’t recognize the disordered thinking.

Anonymous wrote:Reading this post made me so sad for you, OP. I think you need therapy and some deep introspection into why you are feeling like you have to look better for your daughter to be proud of you. Your daughter will love you unconditionally no matter what you look like. If you’re going to feel better about yourself by being “put together “as you said it, then do it for yourself and not for some image you want your daughter to see.

Well maybe not given that OP seems to dislike her own mother for being fat and ugly.

OP you need help and to refrain from discussing any of this garbage with your kid lest you screw her up like you are.

yikes.
i don't think you mean compete. i think you mean, your teen notices you adn you want her to be proud of you and you want to model good care of yourself?
i'd focus on the last. honestly, i wouldn't talk about tehse things with your kid before some therapy.

Focus on looking hot for her guy friends. Make sure to show her who is boss. When she has friends over at the pool in the summer, walk around in a real skimpy bikini.

If you want to focus more on your appearance for your mental health, that is great. But it sounds like you want your daughter to become shallow and judgmental. That would not be my objective.

You need therapy. You are clearly passing along some VERY unhealthy ideas about health and beauty to your child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll be blunt, OP: your post gives vibes of deep-seated insecurity with appearances and body issues.

Your job as a mom with regard to your daughter's body is to 1.) encourage your daughter to have good hygiene/nutrition/exercise habits and avoid drugs and alcohol, and 2.) have a good mental health approach and relationship to body stuff.
For the record, if dad is in the picture, this is his job, too.

If you want to up your game for YOU that's fine/great!

But comparing yourself to other moms, especially relative to size and age, is doing your daughter zero favors.

Also, be was pretty as you can be: your daughter will likely still be somewhat embarrassed by you for a variety of silly teen reasons.

Ha ha. Very true. I am one of the younger, "prettier" mothers in my daughter's circle, and she still pokes fun at me. Very rarely, I will come down in the morning, and she will look me up and down approvingly and say "you look nice today". HIGH PRAISE from a 13 year old girl!!! Nothing makes her happier than when I have an event and *I ask her opinion on what I should wear*. It sets her up so much! She has an eye for color, and usually her suggestions are appropriate for a 40-something mother.

Maybe you could ask your daughter to look through some of your outfits, and that will teach her to dress you for the figure you have, not the figure she wishes you had? And maybe you could go shopping together.

And another shallow twit.

This is why women just can't break the cycle. Because of other women.

Anonymous wrote:These posters are mean.

OP, your DD is normal. My DD has a few "mom" categories:
1. Normal mom - probably what you are now.
2. Botox mom - mom who has way too much plastic surgery and big lips, dresses very nice and expensively
3. Pretty mom - thin, fit, naturally attractive
4. Doesn't care mom - the ones that let themselves go.

In her eyes I'm 3, I think. There isn't a whole lot of thought that goes into her evaluations, do don't put too much stock in it.

OMG. "Normal" is not the word I would choose. And you found a way to insult the OP AND brag about your own appearance, all in one post. That is very UNattractive.

The fact that your daughter not only does this categorization but that you are aware of it and regard it as "normal" is a grade A example of how the cycle of women being their own worst enemies is perpetuated.

Parenting fail. Do better PP. Stop teaching your daughter that a woman's value is so very heavily weighted toward her appearance. Stop teaching your daughter that women have these unnatural, unattainable standards to strive for. Just stop being a shallow twit and raising your daughter to be a shallow twit.

Ugh.