Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The moment I realized that my DH is autistic was just now while reading through this thread.

A trip to Bangladesh will cure it!

Bwahahahahahaha ROFL thank you

Yeah it ain’t autism. I am as autistic as is my DD. We love to info dump, but ask before doing so, & are aware if someone is not interested (rejection sensitivity).
This sounds like just man being man, everyone else be damned. Kind of annoying, honestly. I’d talk with him away from the table & let him know that sometimes you all need a second occasionally to get salt, salad dressing, etc.

Anonymous wrote:My DH doesn't do this regularly, but I've been in the situation a few times with him and other various people.

I speak up in the moment - "sorry, excuse me. I want to hear the rest of this, but we need a quick break for refills. Could we pause for a minute?"

Do that often enough, and he may learn to adjust to taking breaks in his stories.

This is very kind & polite. Love it!

Anonymous wrote:The moment I realized that my DH is autistic was just now while reading through this thread.

A trip to Bangladesh will cure it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH loves to tell long stories at dinner. During this time, a kid might want seconds, want someone to pass him salt, salsa, another napkin, whatever - assume something “necessary” to enjoying the meal. DH gets super upset if anyone interrupts. For any reason.

So what is the solution? Is it the case at some point that the person telling the really long story is actually being rude or at least a bit thoughtless by not recognizing that people will in fact need more salt etc and that quietly asking for that does not mean everyone isn’t also listening.

Two things: 1) you have to pull him aside after dinner and tell him that he can't hold you all hostage to his stories. Be nicer than that, but you get the idea; 2) if he won't listen to the above, just let him be mad.

I mean, think about this. This man is literally sitting at the head of the table insisting that everyone pay attention to him instead of allowing you to do normal things during a meal while he holds court. That is messed up. I hate to be all "fight the patriarchy!" but he needs to get a grip. He's using your natural inclination as a woman to smooth over the situation and make it pleasant for everyone to continue doing this. If he won't stop then let him be mad.

Yes, sometime away from the dinner table, OP needs to have a heart-to-heart with her DH. She needs to explain to him that the primary function of dinner, is to have the family meal. If he wants to go into story mode and does not want to be interrupted, then he needs to wait until everyone, even the slow person has finished eating. If he wants to start a story before the last person is done eating, then he needs to be more tolerant of the normal dinner functions and that includes passing salt and pepper, those getting seconds, people needing to refresh drinks or whatever else needs to be done to finish the primary purpose for which they are gathered...to eat the evening meal.

He cannot have it both ways. He cannot interrupt the meal and then get upset when people need to actually do things to enjoy that meal. His choice, allow the meal to continue and put up with interruptions or wait until everyone is finished with their meal.

This is my husband - either when I’m captive (long car ride, dinner, sitting in my office) or when I’m in the middle of something else. He gets pissy if he’s interrupted, even if there’s an urgent matter, but has no problem interrupting other people.

It’s not autism - it’s being a selfish jerk. You know how I know? He doesn’t do it with people outside the family.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I went up and apologized to DH for talking (whispering) to DS about serving him seconds while DH was telling story. He’s pissed and “apologized” for being “so boring” and “making everyone listen to such terrible stories.” I love him and we have a very strong marriage but I’m so over this and will be sleeping in guest room. His dad used to do this too. Corner someone, talk forever about something boring, and if you said, “excuse me my kitchen is on fire,” he’d think you were incredibly rude for interrupting. Sigh.

Why would you apologize, though? I can see saying something like, "You seemed upset when I was talking with DS about having seconds. Is there something you want to talk about?" And then when he flips about about being so boring and making everyone listen to terrible stories, respond in a very matter-of-fact, conversational way with "it's not that at all, but sometimes things come up at dinner that we have to address--like someone wanting seconds or needing a refill. And dinner is a time for all of us to connect and talk about our day. It's not all about you." And leave it at that.

Anonymous wrote:My DH doesn't do this regularly, but I've been in the situation a few times with him and other various people.

I speak up in the moment - "sorry, excuse me. I want to hear the rest of this, but we need a quick break for refills. Could we pause for a minute?"

Do that often enough, and he may learn to adjust to taking breaks in his stories.

If you're lucky, when you do this, he'll then forget his train of thought and you can move on to a new convo.

We all know people who love to talk and monopolize conversations, but that part that is off to me is how upset he gets if he doesn't have everyone's undivided attention. Is that happening because he feels like he should be the only one who gets to talk, or because he didn't get to finish his story/comment/thought?

What would happen if you do any of the following:

-If someone needs something during the dinner, hold up one finger to signal to DH that he needs to pause, and then say "I want to hear the rest of this but we need to pause for a minute. DS needs something, I need to grab a spoon, etc."

-when there's even a brief lull (perhaps when he's chewing??), say something to signal that his part in the conversation is ending and it's shifting: "Sounds like a crazy day! So, DS, what about your day?"

-play a game like Roses and Thorns that requires everyone to chime in about their day. Start it right when you sit down so that DH doesn't have time to get started with this monologue.

If none of these work and he continues to throw a fit, then he eats alone.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I went up and apologized to DH for talking (whispering) to DS about serving him seconds while DH was telling story. He’s pissed and “apologized” for being “so boring” and “making everyone listen to such terrible stories.” I love him and we have a very strong marriage but I’m so over this and will be sleeping in guest room. His dad used to do this too. Corner someone, talk forever about something boring, and if you said, “excuse me my kitchen is on fire,” he’d think you were incredibly rude for interrupting. Sigh.

Do not enable him.

Next time, tell him you want to hear his story but if it’s going to be a long-ie, it’ll have to wait until after dinner.

My DH doesn't do this regularly, but I've been in the situation a few times with him and other various people.

I speak up in the moment - "sorry, excuse me. I want to hear the rest of this, but we need a quick break for refills. Could we pause for a minute?"

Do that often enough, and he may learn to adjust to taking breaks in his stories.

The moment I realized that my DH is autistic was just now while reading through this thread.

Ugh please talk to him and save your children. Stop enabling him.

This would be such a libido killer for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My autistic husband accepts that people will interrupt him if his story gets too long. You have to sit him down and explain that HE is being socially inept and boorish by making others wait, and that this is not a good example for his children.

Outside of your nuclear family, you and your husband need to come up with a signal for him to wrap up his monologues. That's how every family manages an ASD talker.

My hfa spouse does both: flips into lecture mode with females or kids and everyone tunes out and he keeps going never getting to the point. And with men he never talks just bids and pretends to follow along.

And when other women or girls speak he interrupts with nonsense questions until they stop their short story out of exasperation.

Why do you remain married to such a sexist glassbowl?

Anonymous wrote:

My DH also doesn’t know when to just give an answer instead of a long story. Our entire family is so sick of it.

Is there someone your DH trusts who can have a come to Jesus talk with him about it? A career coach once talked to DH about it, but it was a long time ago and he’s forgotten the advice. Sigh.

OMG I hate this so much. My husband does the same thing.

I still remember when he was working on his PhD and someone would ask politely (making small talk) how many years he had left on his program and he would go off on tangents of “It depends” and a convoluted story about how that’s something you shouldn’t ask a graduate student. Blah blah. He got so mad when I would interrupt and say “It should be 2 or 3 more years depending on the research results. How was your trip? I heard you just got back from X?”

We had long conversations about how nobody wanted to hear his profession’s inside jokes anymore than he wanted to hear minutia about my friend’s coding dilemmas, his brother’s contract negotiations or his mom’s quilt patterns.