Anonymous wrote:He probably decided he didn’t want another relationship. Very common. A lot of good men like that consciously check out from that path. They value peace and don’t want the hassle of pleasing impossible women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

This is exactly the sort of "needs a woman" mentality, and it's not uncommon for divorced/lonely men to put that responsibility on their female children.

Decent men can take care of themselves without making their care a woman's responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

Tell your ex to grow up. It's blunt. But, it's not his kid's job to keep him company. He's an adult. Go out and make friends or find interests. Let the kid grow and learn to be independent. If he hovers over her she will reset him which is the last thing he wants.

Time to realize his kid is turning into a young woman and she wants some freedom. Just be there for her when she needs it.

Anonymous wrote:Divorce can be very very hard for good men and damaging to their health, self esteem and mental health. Many just don’t recover. My dad never did.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my daughter told me that he told her he might retire or find a job near her college so she could have a place to go if she got lonely but she rolled her eyes at the thought. I mentioned it to him casually recently and he said he thought about it but wouldn’t want to impose on her and actually he turned away as he said it wiping at his eye. This makes me think his sadness is getting worse and I will take your advice.

Anonymous wrote:You treated him horrible and after that, it wasn't worth another relationship. You destroyed him.

Anonymous wrote:You're right, it is sad and heartbreaking, and it is unfortunate.

This is why it's horrible how we villainize fathers for moving on in a reasonable matter of time, getting married again and having more kids. If they choose to work their own happiness into their priorities the narrative is always that they are selfish and choosing the evil stepmother and his over their kids.

Then they are left with no family unit, no meaning in their life, nothing but an empty house and the bleakest Tinder matches you can imagine. They become depressed and isolated. Looking for a community, brewing about the resentment they feel for the sacrifices they made for their children, they start spending too much time online and get radicalized in some kind of toxic political or conspiracy sphere.

Got a little specific there, of course, and it's not your fault specifically OP, you seem supportive and kind, but my point is that the stigma of men getting remarried is not helping anyone. Not him, not the kids, not the community. It turns them into lonely sad middle aged men, and lonely sad men do not tend to independently rise up to be the best version of themselves--get therapy, get to the gym, throw themselves into hobbies or volunteering. They become a drain on society and everyone around them.

Anonymous wrote:You're right, it is sad and heartbreaking, and it is unfortunate.

This is why it's horrible how we villainize fathers for moving on in a reasonable matter of time, getting married again and having more kids. If they choose to work their own happiness into their priorities the narrative is always that they are selfish and choosing the evil stepmother and his over their kids.

Then they are left with no family unit, no meaning in their life, nothing but an empty house and the bleakest Tinder matches you can imagine. They become depressed and isolated. Looking for a community, brewing about the resentment they feel for the sacrifices they made for their children, they start spending too much time online and get radicalized in some kind of toxic political or conspiracy sphere.

Got a little specific there, of course, and it's not your fault specifically OP, you seem supportive and kind, but my point is that the stigma of men getting remarried is not helping anyone. Not him, not the kids, not the community. It turns them into lonely sad middle aged men, and lonely sad men do not tend to independently rise up to be the best version of themselves--get therapy, get to the gym, throw themselves into hobbies or volunteering. They become a drain on society and everyone around them.

Anonymous wrote:He wasn’t a bad person when we divorced a decade ago. Intelligent, good job, devoted to our young daughter, no affairs or abuse, etc. But his overwhelmingly negative outlook on life sapped my energy and resulted in our split. I also have to admit after a few rocky years he has been very responsible post-divorce regarding our shared custody. He moved nearby and met all his financial commitments and more, never missed an obligation or appointment, always agreed to my requests for extra time with our daughter if my new husband and I were going on vacation, and has just been a good dad to her. She is off to college in the Fall out of state and we are moving away. I feel sad for him though because best I can tell he has never been in another relationship (blabby daughter never mentioned him seeing anybody) and appears to have few if any friends. In my interactions with him he seems even sadder than normal about these pending departures as I think our presence gave him some grounding. I guess I can’t really do anything for him as he is obviously an adult but I still have affection for him and worry about how he will maybe even survive over time?