It was never on my bucket list to sleep with a grandmother, but I love being a grandfather. I was an engaged father, but now I get to see little children through a very easy lens. And, it makes me proud to see my own children handling the chaos we experienced many years ago. With my grandchildren I can talk to them about their accomplishments and be totally focused on them and I know they appreciate it. And, I’ve gotten use to sleeping with a grandmother.

I will be very sad not to have grandchildren, but obviously it's not my decision and to be honest I am not expecting any grandkids because I don't think my own kids will ever get married or even have a life partner. So if a grandchild does appear, I will be so joyful. Not just for the grandchild but because it would mean my child did find a life partner.

People can want what they want - you can't tell someone don't desire this or that. It's when they put pressure on others to give them what they want that they step over the boundary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If having grandchildren is important to you, you should not have an only child. But yes, it’s perfectly valid to want grandchildren and be disappointed if it doesn’t happen; expect, no.

This makes me sad - I have an only child, not by choice (5 IVFs and 3 miscarriages trying to have #2). I will grieve if I have no grandchildren, but I will try my hardest to grieve privately. It isn’t for me to decide… but I will (silently) hope.

Sometimes this works the other way as well. I wanted kids but struggled with infertility as well. One of the reasons I would have kept going even if there was more failure was that I'm an only child and I knew my parents would be amazing grandparents (I see them with extended family, family friends etc. So I wanted it for them as well as myself. But I am from a pretty traditional family (immigrants) - I can't think of anyone in my family who is child free by choice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read an interesting agony letter in the daily mail about older parents being upset that their only DC doesn’t want children. I am surprised by this but feel like I must be missing something. Is having the urge to have grandchildren something as deep and consuming as having own DCs? Is this some sort of innate desire or just an added bonus? My kids are teenagers so I have no desire whatsoever to have grandchildren (yet), but always knew I wanted kids. Also, isn’t it rightfully every adult’s own choice whether to have kids or not? How can the grandparents even expect or demand that their DC go through this life altering experience (that lasts decades, costs millions, is so much work and responsibility), if they don’t want to?

I think most of us understand that life's deepest meaning, joy and sorrow come from parenting and we want that for our kids. Shallow pursuit of materialism and "experiences" will leave our kids with regret when it is too late.

I completely agree - it's a deep part of the human experience and it's fine to want that for your kids in the same way you want them to have a fulfilling career, loving partner, etc.

Anonymous wrote:I had an aunt and uncle who were unable to have children and lived across an ocean from us. They were lovely people but not wealthy so when they began to have age-related physical and cognitive problems, they had to manage it themselves. Uncle lost a lot of weight and confined to bed. Turns out aunt was also suffering from dementia and didn't remember to feed them or take medications. Extended family did not find out until it was too late.

So you think people should have children so they can be slave caregivers?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read an interesting agony letter in the daily mail about older parents being upset that their only DC doesn’t want children. I am surprised by this but feel like I must be missing something. Is having the urge to have grandchildren something as deep and consuming as having own DCs? Is this some sort of innate desire or just an added bonus? My kids are teenagers so I have no desire whatsoever to have grandchildren (yet), but always knew I wanted kids. Also, isn’t it rightfully every adult’s own choice whether to have kids or not? How can the grandparents even expect or demand that their DC go through this life altering experience (that lasts decades, costs millions, is so much work and responsibility), if they don’t want to?

I think most of us understand that life's deepest meaning, joy and sorrow come from parenting and we want that for our kids. Shallow pursuit of materialism and "experiences" will leave our kids with regret when it is too late.

LOL no.

Anonymous wrote:If having grandchildren is important to you, you should not have an only child. But yes, it’s perfectly valid to want grandchildren and be disappointed if it doesn’t happen; expect, no.

This makes me sad - I have an only child, not by choice (5 IVFs and 3 miscarriages trying to have #2). I will grieve if I have no grandchildren, but I will try my hardest to grieve privately. It isn’t for me to decide… but I will (silently) hope.

Anonymous wrote:I still have young children so my perspective isn't that of a person with adult children. But, I would be disappointed only because there is something so magically about the young kids phase. Especially when you don't have to lose sleep over it lol!

My disappointment wouldn't have anything to do with their right to make life choices, of course.

Yes it's normal. Young kids and esp grandkids are a joy. This has been a normal human expectation for generations.

Anonymous wrote:If having grandchildren is important to you, you should not have an only child. But yes, it’s perfectly valid to want grandchildren and be disappointed if it doesn’t happen; expect, no.

My friend is one of five kids and none of them got married or had children. It happens. I don't think her parents are that upset about it.

The complete human experience includes having children. We have that hope for our children.

Anonymous wrote:I had an aunt and uncle who were unable to have children and lived across an ocean from us. They were lovely people but not wealthy so when they began to have age-related physical and cognitive problems, they had to manage it themselves. Uncle lost a lot of weight and confined to bed. Turns out aunt was also suffering from dementia and didn't remember to feed them or take medications. Extended family did not find out until it was too late.

This is the primal driver for my parents and countless others like them in Asia where having children is the equivalent of having a social safety net. Even though my parents migrated to the USA decades ago and raised me here, the home country cultural imprint is so powerful that they were relentless in pressuring me into parenthood. We clashed repeatedly over this issue and it caused a major rift in our relationship.

My guess is that at least one of my two kids doesn’t have children. I’ve already talked about it with DH and suggested we become “adoptive” grandparents. I think there are many creative ways to channel the feelings many us have to want to nurture the next generation.

I’ll be sad if I never have grandparents. I had a really special relationship with one set of grandparents, so I have many happy memories with them & would love to do similar things with my grandchildren.

But I would never pressure my kids into having kids!

Anonymous wrote:If having grandchildren is important to you, you should not have an only child. But yes, it’s perfectly valid to want grandchildren and be disappointed if it doesn’t happen; expect, no.

+1

Sort of this. Fertility issues or being childless by choice are both very common. I have 3 DC so assume I will have a grandchild at some point. I would not be at all surprised if at least one of my DC does not have children but would be very unlikely for all 3. Just the odds really.

My kids are all still in elementary school, but I will definitely be disappointed if I don’t end up with any grand kids! As I type, my mom is teaching two of my kids a card game while my dad is ’working the grill’ with my oldest. My parents (and my in laws) love and dote on our kids, as my grandparents did to my siblings and me. I think having kids around makes everything more fun. Magical Christmases, trips to the pumpkin patch and Disney and passing down family traditions. I hope I get to experience another go round of snuggly babies and all these fun things!

BUT all of that is my opinion and my hopes. If my kids don’t want to be parents, I won’t be angry at them! Sad, sure, but I hope I don’t pressure them or make snide comments.