Met overseas and dated there nearly a year; then long distance US-his country for a year; then he came to the US for a job but on the other coast from me, so two years of long distance East Coast to West Coast. Engaged in year four, married in year five, married for over 30 years. We knew what we were getting into, due to dating so long, being older than some peers (but still in our 20s), and being on the same page re: our values. As someone earlier in the thread put it -- we both were "committed to commitment." I think that's how we made very long distance dating work for four years like we did.

No surprises like many on DCUM end up having, where there are difficult 30s or 40s, conflicting goals etc. I think it actually was beneficial (and frankly, quite spoiling) that we had almost 10 years before we had our one DC, so we really enjoyed being a couple and sharing a lot, then were very ready to be parents when the time came.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dated 2.5 years. One year was long distance. So many surprises. He lied about dealbreakers. No way I could have known in advance. Divorced after 10 years of marriage. I wanted a divorce immediately, but everybody told me to wait, which is my biggest regret —not getting out immediately, when true colors were finally shown.

I want to know about then surprises and lies and dealbreakers ...

That he believed in God.
That he would go to church once a month.
That we would only move twice.
That not having kids is what he wanted (my dealbreaker is that I would not have kids with him because of certain things)
That he would I be supportive of my starting a business while I worked full time.

Other surprises:
We did not have sex after we were married except when he decided he changed his mind about kids

He was on the computer every night as soon as he was done with work

We barely spoke

Divorce threats for years for no reason

I was not allowed to go to the grocery store because he wanted to control food coming into the house.

NP. Re: the bold above -- please tell us you did not get pregnant by this lying lunatic. Was he just without any libido, or was he punitively withholding sex from you in hopes you would cave and let him get you knocked up just out of desperation to have sex?? Whatever was going on about sex and kids, it was unhealthy and warped on his side. Wow.

Dated about 3 years before we were married. Married 21 years. I did not know what I was getting into. Some of it has been good. Some has been great. A good deal has been, well, bad.

We had great chemistry and had a great time in each other's company. We were really in love. I thought that because we both came from similar backgrounds and intact families and because we discussed the big things before marriage that we would progress that way and remain on the same page. It took me a long time to learn that in fact he and his family of origin have a perpetual victim outlook and the little bursts of anger would become a huge part of his personality and our marriage. He has not emotionally matured and has pretty much been unable to do anything to put the kids first in a lot of ways. Our oldest has a milestone birthday this fall and his guy's trip conflicts with the birthday. He did talk to our child to make sure it was "ok" if he went, but the fact that he didn't immediately rule out the trip is pretty emblematic of his personality. Talking to him on any serious subject is like talking to a brick wall or results in explosive anger

We were friends since age 5 but sort of drifted in and out of each other lives for over 20 years but each time we reconnected we both really enjoyed it. At 25 we reconnected at a party in NYC and it was like OK, where are we headed and we quickly knew. Now at age 50 we still remember being 5. It hasn’t all been a honeymoon but it’s been just fine.

Anonymous wrote:We dated for a year before getting engaged and then another 1.5 years before getting married.

The big surprise was DH was upfront that he had career goals that would require the wife to put their own career on hold and probably quit, and that was OK to me at the time as I certainly had no plans to be director one day... but it ended up not going so well.

Turns out, I got so bored and hated being trapped with screaming kids for 12 hours every single day. Covid lockdowns were the final straw. I felt DH sort of lost respect for me at the time as well; he always seemed annoyed and short with me. I ultimately worked very hard to get back into the workplace part time and now there is more balance. He seems to appreciate not having to be the sole provider and I appreciate not being the sole caregiver. Everyone seems a lot happier at the end of the day.

Sorry I forgot to add we did live together while engaged and we've been married almost 11 years.

We dated for a year before getting engaged and then another 1.5 years before getting married.

The big surprise was DH was upfront that he had career goals that would require the wife to put their own career on hold and probably quit, and that was OK to me at the time as I certainly had no plans to be director one day... but it ended up not going so well.

Turns out, I got so bored and hated being trapped with screaming kids for 12 hours every single day. Covid lockdowns were the final straw. I felt DH sort of lost respect for me at the time as well; he always seemed annoyed and short with me. I ultimately worked very hard to get back into the workplace part time and now there is more balance. He seems to appreciate not having to be the sole provider and I appreciate not being the sole caregiver. Everyone seems a lot happier at the end of the day.

Married forever….seriously! We were very good friends for a few years, dated for maybe 8 months then got engaged and married at 15 months. We didn’t live together except for one month when he was “homeless” but we spent 4-5 nights a week together. I did know what I was getting into because I knew him as a vey good friend first. I met his whole family at around month four and they were so welcoming it was hard not to want to be part of it.

It took me 15 years to realize DH is a softie with a hard shell. That shell used to scare me and I was so in awe of him but now I actually feel a bit sorry for him. I still love them though.

We were engaged after 7 months and married a year after that. Both 28 when we got married and 46 now with two kids. No real surprises - we're not the same people we were when we met but we've grown older together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dated 2.5 years. One year was long distance. So many surprises. He lied about dealbreakers. No way I could have known in advance. Divorced after 10 years of marriage. I wanted a divorce immediately, but everybody told me to wait, which is my biggest regret —not getting out immediately, when true colors were finally shown.

I want to know about then surprises and lies and dealbreakers ...

That he believed in God.
That he would go to church once a month.
That we would only move twice.
That not having kids is what he wanted (my dealbreaker is that I would not have kids with him because of certain things)
That he would I be supportive of my starting a business while I worked full time.

Other surprises:
We did not have sex after we were married except when he decided he changed his mind about kids

He was on the computer every night as soon as he was done with work

We barely spoke

Divorce threats for years for no reason

I was not allowed to go to the grocery store because he wanted to control food coming into the house.

Married 16 wonderful years; dated for one year before marriage. No significant surprises. But this is second marriage for both of us so we went into it with those experiences behind us.

I dated XH 8 months when I found out I was pregnant. We stayed together but he didn’t want to get married due to some societal rebellion issue. Eventually did get married after a couple years for tax reasons.

I found marriage extremely disappointing. I stayed because I had a kid, and because I knew I was staying, went on to have more kids. I didn’t intend to leave and resigned myself to a disappointing but stable relationship. We were in couples therapy for years. However, when it was no longer stable - XH had midlife crisis - I couldn’t think of a reason to stay and left.

Total time together: 12 years
Total marriage (not counting after separating because we’re still married, going through divorce process): 10 years

Anonymous wrote:Dated five years, did not cohabitate. I was 40, spouse 52. The surprise for me is how much I enjoy every single day with my spouse after 20+ years.

Same. After 20 years I still get a big smile on my face when I look out the window and see him walking up the street toward out house from the metro after work.

Anonymous wrote:Dated 2.5 years. One year was long distance. So many surprises. He lied about dealbreakers. No way I could have known in advance. Divorced after 10 years of marriage. I wanted a divorce immediately, but everybody told me to wait, which is my biggest regret —not getting out immediately, when true colors were finally shown.

I want to know about then surprises and lies and dealbreakers ...

Married for 7 years. I knew exactly what I was getting into because we were together 14 years before we decided to get married, and then it took a couple more years after that before we got around to it. He's amazing -- has been since I met him, still is. He's the best person I've ever met.

No surprises at all for me. Things did get very rocky for the first time in our 20 years together over the past year, but it was more of a surprise for my DH: I was losing my mind and raging and being almost impossible to live with -- it turned out it was severe sleep apnea and I probably hadn't had any real deep sleep for over a year. I was so sleep deprived I was literally losing it. Then it took 6 months after my sleep study to get in to see the sleep doc. Finally got my cpap a few months ago, and I'm fine now and married bliss is restored. That was our biggest hurdle so far. A serious health issue that we didn't know was a health issue at first.

We are super happy together. I feel like my relationship/marriage is the thing that has worked out best for me in life. I know I'm lucky.