Anonymous wrote:Last fall DD and her boyfriend broke up. We saw her two months later and I thought she'd gained weight but wasn't positive because it was Thanksgiving and she was wearing thicker and baggier clothing. When she came home for Christmas break it was clear she'd gained 15-20lbs and her skin has broken out horribly. I asked if she was still using the silk pillowcases and washing them regularly, she said yes. We stocked the fridge and pantry with healthy options and DH and I work out each day and always invited her along - sometimes she said yes, sometimes no, but couldn't keep up. I am concerned. Do I say something directly? We have never commented on weight - just eating healthy and moving a lot.

Your DD is not an idiot. Every time you ask about eating healthy and "moving", she knows you are worried she is or will get fat.

Also, silk pillowcases don't help acne, medicine does. Why don't you take her to the dermatologist?

Why don't you tell her she seems a bit down after her first break up and is she OK, and if not does she want to talk about it with you or a therapist? First break up is a doozy for everyone. Tell her about one of your early bad break ups and sympathize instead of shaming.

When I returned after my junior semester abroad, I was at least 15 lbs heavier and had terrible cystic acne. I don’t remember sending any shame from my parents, just the support I needed to get to a dermatologist. I can’t imagine what it would have done to my self esteem if I thought they’d been worried about my weight.

When this same thing happened to my DD after fall semester, she arrived back at Thanksgiving break, and our housekeeper (from a foreign country) said bluntly upon seeing her walk in the door: "What happened to your face?" (I would have never said anything like that, but our housekeeper is from a country where it is OK to make blunt comments about a person's appearance/weight.)

DD took it like a champ. We set up an appointment with a dermatologist who prescribed some acne medication that is helping.

(BTW, in our case, DD was the one who initiated the break-up, not the boyfriend.)

For our kids, we've always asked them to exercise 1 hour per day in order to get various privileges (like access to the family SUV, money for travel, etc). We've always said that exercising 1 hour per day is essential to your health and wel-being - just like brushing your teeth, trimming your fingernails, etc. So I think that it has sunk in over the years.)

OP, She’s pregnant with the exbf’s child.

Freshman 15? Leave her alone.

I feel bad your daughter and I'm not just talking about the break up. You need to take a good hard look at yourself.

Instead of asking how she doing, OP worries that her DD isn’t using a SILK pillowcase. And you’ll wonder why she doesn’t want to visit you with the kids someday.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m surprised you’re so concerned about her weight. How about her mental health? That would be my first concern. Maybe she has been depressed and not able to exercise or not eating well. Self care i difficult when you’re getting over a breakup.

OMG this!!! What's wrong with you OP? When you said you were concerned I thought you were going to say ABOUT HER FEELINGS AND MENTAL HEALTH but you yammered on about her weight. Yes she's probably very sad! Ask her how she's feeling and make sure she feels loved. When she feels better she'll make healthier choices, she probably feels like sh*t and you're making it worse.

OP, disregard all the sanctimony. Of course your daughter is not feeling good about herself with post-break up acne and extra weight. I would talk to her about how she is feeling and listen. Don’t mention her weight gain of which she is acutely aware. Make her an appointment with a dermatologist, offer to pay for highlights, if she is depressed help her navigate getting a counselor on campus or off. Check in with her frequently sending funny memes and care packages. Let her know that she is loved and cherished. Chances are good she is just going through a rough patch.

I think the opposite -- definitely no mention about her weight, but do anything you can to support her if she wants to talk about her mental state.

Maybe things have changed, but I think she may be having the time of her life. How long did she date this guy? And was he a college boyfriend or a high school boyfriend? Is this just the freshman 15 delayed because she was not having a fun independent life because she was always with him? Say not a word.

Not one word about her emotional state.

By all means, OP, ask her about her body instead.

AYKFM?