It sounds like a tough situation. I'm so sorry, OP.

Can you start the process of trying to get guardianship or a medical power of attorney? I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not, but it might be worth looking into so that you could be a part of his medical process more. That is, of course, if you want to.

It sounds like he is struggling a lot with emotional regulation and seems overwhelmed. That's not fair to you, but it is the reality of the situation. Can you work with a therapist yourself who can help you through figuring out some things? What about support groups for SN parents/siblings? Is there a mental health hotline you could call? You need some additional support and guidance.

I wouldn't hesitate to call the police if needed, and it might help with some documentation toward the type of assistance you will need for him long-term.

Additionally, there may be some behavioral things that you could be advised on that would help him cope better. I'm not saying you need to change or it's your responsibility, but a lot of research shows that parenting approaches can help with this type of thing. Most good parents have no idea the approaches, so it's not saying "you're a bad parent" - it's just learning an approach that helps this type of person. That sort of approach has helped us a lot, and although you aren't a parent, it could potentially help with trying to de-escalate situations as he becomes dysregulated.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 30 year old adult sibling who has become increasingly violent. He began living with me after our parents died over a decade ago. He is very high functioning but does not work and chose to not attend higher education. He also has ocd, severe oppositional defiant disorder and narcissistic tendencies. He refuses to go to any therapy and when we have been able to get him to go he refuses medication. Tonight was the last straw. Because he said I was “mean” by telling him he needed to clean up the kitchen he turned to my very old dog and threw her out of the house and pushed me out of the house as well. I was wearing a robe as I had just left the shower and he pulled it off of me as he did this so I was nude outside with my dog locked out. When I got back inside after taking the hidden key outside I was irate and yelled at him so he turned the gas stove on. He then poured oil all over it. We had a small kitchen fire which destroyed my microwave and the surrounding cabinets and if I didn’t have a fire extinguisher on hand I don’t know what would have happened. He is clearly extremely dangerous to himself and others. Where do you put people like this besides jail?

OP, does “we” indicate others who you can discuss his latest behavior with in real life, such as his doctors? Those are major medications (that he’s not taking), and a very complicated mental health situation. If you can ascertain experienced professional advice, asap, that would be ideal.

What you just went through is traumatic, and there are resources available to provide some assistance with the next decision-making steps. Meanwhile, if need be, consider staying somewhere else with your dog as needed to clear your head, start making some calls, and see what better options there are. If that’s not possible, even visiting a local coffee shop for an hour or two to get started could help.

Also, if you have a car available and nearby, you might keep a “go bag” with basic necessities for a couple of days in it, in case you need to leave in a hurry for your safety. You might also start adding and backing up secure copies of important documentation to your phone, for quick reference in an emergency.

Please seek out professional, community, and/or municipal resources, as soon as possible. This is too much burden for one person to handle alone.

There really isn’t a we. I have no support from family when it comes to him. Nobody wants to take him on in their home or help financially. He is not under a guardianship so I can’t force him to do anything. Nobody has ever called the police on him, rather letting his tantrums run its course and quietly cleaning up the mess. He has been having tantrums his whole life and usually it ends with something of value destroyed. There have been times when I have had psychologists come to the home that resulted in him locking himself in his room and times where he was brought to an in office appointment where he literally refused to speak or got up and left. I also can’t force him to go the psychiatrist appointments or take medication.

It was nice of you to help him all this time, but that is too far and he's got to go. Evict him. Move if you have to.

Is there adult protective services where you live? They may have ideas.

Are you willing to sell the house and move somewhere else, with no room for him? You could get him an apartment nearby.

OP here. Today after having another screaming match that resulted in him putting himself in a small crawl space under my stairs to calm down he agreed to a session with a psychologist to work on stress and coping skills but we’ll see as the appointment gets closer. I suspect he will ultimately refuse to go and I don’t have guardianship over him. His bizarre logic is that I stress him out and that any normal person would do what he did. So far after reassessing the kitchen I’ve added up at least $1200 worth of damage not including an awful time cleaning the powder from the fire extinguisher which went everywhere. When I asked about him moving out yesterday and offering to pay for his apartment with an aide he told me he will not be leaving, he hates me and hopes I suffer with his presence and that if anyone leaves it will be me. Unfortunately there is no psych unit attached to the police department where I am and he will just go to jail without resources. I’ve also started calling group homes but of course they are all full or incredibly expensive.

Anonymous wrote:I have a 30 year old adult sibling who has become increasingly violent. He began living with me after our parents died over a decade ago. He is very high functioning but does not work and chose to not attend higher education. He also has ocd, severe oppositional defiant disorder and narcissistic tendencies. He refuses to go to any therapy and when we have been able to get him to go he refuses medication. Tonight was the last straw. Because he said I was “mean” by telling him he needed to clean up the kitchen he turned to my very old dog and threw her out of the house and pushed me out of the house as well. I was wearing a robe as I had just left the shower and he pulled it off of me as he did this so I was nude outside with my dog locked out. When I got back inside after taking the hidden key outside I was irate and yelled at him so he turned the gas stove on. He then poured oil all over it. We had a small kitchen fire which destroyed my microwave and the surrounding cabinets and if I didn’t have a fire extinguisher on hand I don’t know what would have happened. He is clearly extremely dangerous to himself and others. Where do you put people like this besides jail?

OP, does “we” indicate others who you can discuss his latest behavior with in real life, such as his doctors? Those are major medications (that he’s not taking), and a very complicated mental health situation. If you can ascertain experienced professional advice, asap, that would be ideal.

What you just went through is traumatic, and there are resources available to provide some assistance with the next decision-making steps. Meanwhile, if need be, consider staying somewhere else with your dog as needed to clear your head, start making some calls, and see what better options there are. If that’s not possible, even visiting a local coffee shop for an hour or two to get started could help.

Also, if you have a car available and nearby, you might keep a “go bag” with basic necessities for a couple of days in it, in case you need to leave in a hurry for your safety. You might also start adding and backing up secure copies of important documentation to your phone, for quick reference in an emergency.

Please seek out professional, community, and/or municipal resources, as soon as possible. This is too much burden for one person to handle alone.

I’ve been through this with one of my children. Dealing with it is difficult and really unpleasant and heart wrenching.

Next time you are in a crisis, I’d call the police and file charges. They will either take him to a hospital or jail. Problem is unless he voluntarily leaves your home, you need to evict him and the time that takes and the legal process depends on your jurisdiction. In the meantime, you can file for a protective order and if successful can get him moved out of your house while the eviction is in progress. The section of your court system that deals with domestic violence likely has instructions for you on the process.

As to long term, that’s a tough issue. If he has money and/income, he can rent a room or can stay at a cheap hotel. You can also try your county social services department (I’d try adult protective services) to try to find other alternatives. Often there is a waitlist for placement, if it’s even an option.

In the meantime, make sure you always have a plan for your safety. He’s shown that he has no qualms about putting you in danger. For example, if he sets your house on fire while you’re sleeping, you need a plan to get out. If he becomes violent, you need both a plan to get out and a plan to get away - so in addition to having a house key outside you may need a car key hidden outside. Do you sleep on an upper floor such that you might need a ladder to get out? If so, get a folding one and put it where you will remember - even people who have these often don’t make it out because they don’t store it where they can easily access it in a crisis. Having a well thought out plan that you are committed to and can execute will make it more likely that you can successfully escape.

Good luck. I hope you find a solution.

Danger to self or others can get him removed.
At least temporarily.
Do you not have guardianship of him? If you do, you can go to magistrate and have hime taken ti psychiatric ward of a hospital for an involuntary hold up to 48 hours. You may be able to request this of police even without guardianship.
Then talk to police or a social worker about what to do next to get him help and out of your home.
Call DD services and see if you can get a case worker assigned to him. Usually you just present documentation that shows he had a disability diagnosis prior to 21, but it’s worth a try.

OP - the best you can do for your brother is to call the police to press charges, but let them know ahead of time he has autism and is off meds. He is a danger to others and also needs to get a mental health evaluation.

Then change your locks. Get counsel on how to handle any possible tenancy aspects as he needs to be out for your safety.

Contact the local MH agency and tell them about him to see if there is any place or services to help him if released from jail. It will be hard given his violence and starting a fire. Hope for jail and that he can see he needs to try meds at least. NAMI support group can offer informed support. He is an adult who will have to deal with consequences
Of his actions.

NP. I have a family member who is higher functioning than OP's brother, my family member had a job for years, and wife, two kids, mortgage, etc. He has spent the last couple decades in and out of prison. At this point, it would be best if they would just keep him but they release him, he flails around for a while, then returns.

I agree with the calling of the police or better yet call the mental health emergency line (some areas have this.)

They can link you with crisis services.

Anonymous wrote:I have a 30 year old adult sibling who has become increasingly violent. He began living with me after our parents died over a decade ago. He is very high functioning but does not work and chose to not attend higher education. He also has ocd, severe oppositional defiant disorder and narcissistic tendencies. He refuses to go to any therapy and when we have been able to get him to go he refuses medication. Tonight was the last straw. Because he said I was “mean” by telling him he needed to clean up the kitchen he turned to my very old dog and threw her out of the house and pushed me out of the house as well. I was wearing a robe as I had just left the shower and he pulled it off of me as he did this so I was nude outside with my dog locked out. When I got back inside after taking the hidden key outside I was irate and yelled at him so he turned the gas stove on. He then poured oil all over it. We had a small kitchen fire which destroyed my microwave and the surrounding cabinets and if I didn’t have a fire extinguisher on hand I don’t know what would have happened. He is clearly extremely dangerous to himself and others. Where do you put people like this besides jail?

I'm a PP, but I also want to say that, for your own safety, it is ok to start by calling the police. I know that may be unpleasant, scary, and dangerous for your brother, but that is exactly what will happen to him anyway if he kills you or hurts you so badly you can no longer protect him. Also, in some places the police are actually hooked up to crisis services, so it may even be helpful. You don't have to risk your life for him.

I wonder if you need to press charges for this latest incident to get him out.

I’m so sorry. For your own safety, you need to get him out of your house ASAP. Please don’t wait. These are very scary actions he has done. Don’t wait until it is too late to save yourself. For your own safety, please don’t bail him out and please don’t be alone with him anymore. I understand this is your brother, but you should never be alone with him. He is clearly using as his punching bag. He needs to be institutionalized.

OP, where I live (NC) a lot of services are not only state dependent, but also county dependent. Do you feel comfortable posting your state and county so that people can start to direct you to the appropriate services?