Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 04:12     Subject: Re:MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Don’t listen to all these posters, OP. This situation would drive me and my spouse crazy. In fact, we were in this situation with my own mother, who would force these seemingly well-meaning soup drop offs as a way to insert herself in our lives when we first got married. I wasn’t good at setting boundaries back then and it really upset my spouse, who talks about it to this day. Your DH has to tell his mother that these unscheduled food drop offs and visits are unwelcome and disruptive to the daily flow of your family life and she should wait to be invited for a visit. Then ignore the tantrums, guilt, whining etc that will inevitably come. Another option is to move. Seriously.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 03:54     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Anonymous wrote:Note how these topics are never about moms, only about MILs.
Gatekeeping is the new American pastime


Because most of us have MILs who are of the generation who expect the daughter to be fully involved. Most of us have mothers who may think the same thing, but not of the men. And most of us feel more comfortable/like hanging out a lot with our mothers v our MILs (although not all people) and/or feel more comfortable telling our own mothers "not today"
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 03:52     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you believe that 50 years ago, stopping by to visit was normal. No one was that busy that they couldn’t be social. I personally would prefer that era instead of the craziness on my life today.


This.
It’s not an imposition unless you treat it as a high holy day when she comes over. She doesn’t need to be “entertained”—she just wants to be part of your lives, OP.
If your folding laundry while your DD is practicing piano, keep doing that and offer a chair to MIL so she can listen to DD while you continue folding laundry.
Your life doesn’t need to stop when she comes over. She just wants to be part of it.


I had a situation (before moving) similar to the OP's, and I feel guilty reading the responses.

I can say that in my case, my MIL's presense... well, she wanted a very old-fashioned, super close relationship. She wanted to be IN and PART of the our nuclear family. Like, she would come by with muffins, say, but stay an hour and we would all hang out with her.

I think in the olden days, it would ahve been that I "married his family." Maybe it should be that way, but I didn't want it that way> I didn't want hre to be constantly present almost as if we were three adults living together, or as if she part-time lived with us. WHihc is what she wanted.

Nothing wrong with wanting that as a MIL. Nothing wrong with not wanting your MIL to be at your house many hours a week. But it's hard
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 02:54     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Note how these topics are never about moms, only about MILs.
Gatekeeping is the new American pastime
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 02:45     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you believe that 50 years ago, stopping by to visit was normal. No one was that busy that they couldn’t be social. I personally would prefer that era instead of the craziness on my life today.


This.
It’s not an imposition unless you treat it as a high holy day when she comes over. She doesn’t need to be “entertained”—she just wants to be part of your lives, OP.
If your folding laundry while your DD is practicing piano, keep doing that and offer a chair to MIL so she can listen to DD while you continue folding laundry.
Your life doesn’t need to stop when she comes over. She just wants to be part of it.


+1

And she sounds like someone who would help fold the laundry or put the other kid to bed.



Agree. Your DH will miss this random visits when she's gone.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 02:37     Subject: Re:MIL always wants to randomly stop by
OP—
Stop answering the phone or texts. Just stop. Let the calls go to voicemail. If she texts, don’t respond. Or send them to her son a couple of hours later. Or when you’re ready, respond back:”Just seeing this.” It could literally be hours and hours later.

And as another poster said, stop being afraid of hurting her feelings. Anyone who pouts and complains that you’re not available whenever she wants to visit is not being respectful of your time and space.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 00:52     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
The responses are nuts on here. This person is family, not a friend. Treat you MIL like family because that is what she is.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 00:49     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you believe that 50 years ago, stopping by to visit was normal. No one was that busy that they couldn’t be social. I personally would prefer that era instead of the craziness on my life today.


This.
It’s not an imposition unless you treat it as a high holy day when she comes over. She doesn’t need to be “entertained”—she just wants to be part of your lives, OP.
If your folding laundry while your DD is practicing piano, keep doing that and offer a chair to MIL so she can listen to DD while you continue folding laundry.
Your life doesn’t need to stop when she comes over. She just wants to be part of it.


+1

And she sounds like someone who would help fold the laundry or put the other kid to bed.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 00:46     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?


Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.


I'm the PP you castigate so roundly. Because there is such a thing as busy families, and there is such a thing as people who overstay their welcome. It is extremely anxiety-inducing to be forced to make time and be polite to lovely, kind, generous people who also slow things down, make you late, make you distracted and error-prone because they are dividing your attention. Not only is your life made more difficult, but you feel guilty on top of it because the person seems so generous on the surface (also clueless, and in that cluelessness, rather rude, all things considered).

Maybe you're thinking of someone who knows to read the room and understands when to leave. If OP had such a MIL, she wouldn't be posting. She'd be so thankful to have someone help out! I know I would.

Clearly we're talking about a person who overstays their welcome.


You should stop making yourself miserable trying to control everything and everyone. Just unclench.


I am who I am. OP's MIL would drive me crazy. I also work in cancer research, where my perfectionism and ability to hyper focus on the task at hand is beneficial to my work. Our personalities all make us suited for certain activities and not others. Isn't it wonderful that we're all so different?




So I guess we can’t use the old standby “what’s so important that you can’t take a few minutes to make MIL feel like a special part of your lives?—it’s not like you’re curing cancer!!”—on you, PP!

Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 00:42     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Anonymous wrote:Can you believe that 50 years ago, stopping by to visit was normal. No one was that busy that they couldn’t be social. I personally would prefer that era instead of the craziness on my life today.


This.
It’s not an imposition unless you treat it as a high holy day when she comes over. She doesn’t need to be “entertained”—she just wants to be part of your lives, OP.
If your folding laundry while your DD is practicing piano, keep doing that and offer a chair to MIL so she can listen to DD while you continue folding laundry.
Your life doesn’t need to stop when she comes over. She just wants to be part of it.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 00:37     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Anonymous wrote:However generous or lovely she may be, she does not respect boundaries. Otherwise she would not take it as an affront when OP cannot receive her at a moment's notice.

That's the crux of the issue.


Not respecting boundaries would be coming over without calling (after you’ve asked her not to do that) or coming anyway, even when you’ve said no it’s not a good time.

OP hasnt told her “Dear MIL, we prefer if you only come when we call to invite you”…she’s just expected her to know this.
Anonymous
Post 01/22/2024 00:34     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She sounds lonely.


I thought this said lovely - which also seems true.


+100

I would love it if either my mom or MIL were able to make random stops to drop off muffins or soup and see the kids. But we made the decision to live states away before we started having children and now it’s such an effort to make sure our kids know their grandparents that it makes me sad and envious.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2024 23:42     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Can she drop off muffins or soup to my house?? I would love to have a local grandparent who wanted to pop over for a few minutes to say hi!! I think you should let her, but after 5 mins are up, tell her thanks, great to see her, you’ll see her Tuesday night for Larlo’s piano recital and usher her out the door!
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2024 23:13     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
However generous or lovely she may be, she does not respect boundaries. Otherwise she would not take it as an affront when OP cannot receive her at a moment's notice.

That's the crux of the issue.
Anonymous
Post 01/21/2024 23:11     Subject: MIL always wants to randomly stop by
Can you believe that 50 years ago, stopping by to visit was normal. No one was that busy that they couldn’t be social. I personally would prefer that era instead of the craziness on my life today.