Anonymous wrote:DW’s drive cratered upon having kids, for a bunch of reasons anyone who reads this board is familiar with.

Kids are older now, life is less crazy, we are in better physical and financial shape, our relationship is healthier, so some sex life has come back, mercifully.

I have to initiate 100% of the time. If I do, I’ll very often meet some initial tensing up and reluctance, but she will melt, get into it, and enjoy. Sometimes she’ll say no, which is of course cool and normal. Again, if I initiate and keep sex at the forefront, we could have sex 4-5 times a month, which is waaaaaay more than before.

Do I have a right to feel sad that she never, ever, ever, ever initiates, and hasn’t for a decade? If I don’t initiate, we could not have sex for months. She chalks it up to lack of bandwidth and being tired, but then again she seems to find bandwidth to get a puppy and binge watch Netflix occasionally and do other things. I am trying to sort through my feelings and ask myself whether I am asking too much, or whether my feelings are valid. We’re in early to mid 40s.

I am genuinely asking for insight from women and have no interest in bad-mouthing my wife (I love her dearly) or sharing sexual details that I don’t want to or will get this thread removed. Ty.

Yes, you have 100% right to feel the way you do. Women don't understand how important sex is to a HUSBAND because that is a very strong way HUSBANDS stay connected with their wives. Many wives do not understand there and there are thousands of studies and psychologists who confirm this.

However, it's common for wives to focus too much on her kids and her husband becomes the last priority. The issue is once the kids are grown up and gone...the relationship between husband and wife is gone. The wife wants her "partner" back but he is gone. They grew apart after 20-30 years of not being a priority. This is all too common.

Op you describe my marriage (woman here) very closely. Only difference is we still have sex 3-4 times a week.

After kids, I also can’t come PIV but do always orgasm (thanks DH!). I have always been low drive but enjoy it once I’m into it. Though I don’t need it to last more than ten minutes! Nor does DH lol. Research over the last decade indicates that 50 percent of women do not have any drive outside the bedroom; that is, they are not thinking about or desiring sex. However, these women are still capable of orgasming and getting turned on once in the act. In short, her having zero desire during the week is not physiologically an issue or abnormal. It’s actually extremely normal. And despite what the common advice says, you losing weight, taking out the trash and doing other domestic stuff to lighten her load will not have any impact on her drive. Biology is biology.

So what are you to do? First, don’t blame your wife for totally normal hormones and feelings. But you also have a right to feel disappointed.

What keeps me motivated? I crave emotional connection with dh and notice when we go a few days without, I feel less connected with him. Not because he’s sulking but because that’s how my energy works. So even though I’m not physically craving sex, I know the act will make us feel emotionally more connected. So I initiate close to half the time. He’s not dumb and knows it is sort of out of obligation and duty to tend to our marriage (rather than about being hot for him), but so what? He still gets sex and we stay connected and we’re all happy.

Presumably you also feel more connected to your wife when you have sex. I’d frame it that way, and not about a pouty boy wanting to hump more. We don’t schedule, but we know we’ll have sex every weekend day during the day (I get up early to run and neither of us likes sex after a glass of wine and big meal, so daytime it is). It’s okay for one or both of you to somewhat see sex as a chore but a chore that pays dividends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The comment about your physiology is a big clue. I know you don’t want to give details but without the details, nobody can really answer your question. Do you mean that you’re obese? Or you’re premature? It doesn’t sound like a typical situation.

I disagree. MOST women don’t climax via PIV and a dampened libido post-children is a recurrent theme on this forum. This is all completely normal, OP. It’s okay to feel sad but don’t let it linger or let her see what will feel like a reproach. Just amp up the cheer- make time to do fun things together and keep initiating. Sometimes sex is like exercise, we might procrastinate or even dread it a bit, but afterwards we feel great. It is important for bonding and neither of you will benefit if you stop initiating.

I agree about most women but he made the comment for a reason. Apparently there’s something different about OP’s physiology.

No, it’s all men’s physiology! Women need more than PIV in most all cases. Just basic anatomy. Sounds like OP and his wife have that part figured out, which is awesome. I agree with the PP who said it’s not unusual for her to need a little encouragement and that OP should accept this role because it’s fun and important! Really OP thinking about it differently is the key. Women need to be seduced and requested to come to the bedroom. It’s OK!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The comment about your physiology is a big clue. I know you don’t want to give details but without the details, nobody can really answer your question. Do you mean that you’re obese? Or you’re premature? It doesn’t sound like a typical situation.

I disagree. MOST women don’t climax via PIV and a dampened libido post-children is a recurrent theme on this forum. This is all completely normal, OP. It’s okay to feel sad but don’t let it linger or let her see what will feel like a reproach. Just amp up the cheer- make time to do fun things together and keep initiating. Sometimes sex is like exercise, we might procrastinate or even dread it a bit, but afterwards we feel great. It is important for bonding and neither of you will benefit if you stop initiating.

I agree about most women but he made the comment for a reason. Apparently there’s something different about OP’s physiology.

Stop chasing and start attracting.

She knows what you’re thinking so stop being needy, it’s repelling her.

Picture of yourself a decade ago, what were you like, what goals were you chasing, were your jackets tight around the bicep? Get yourself together and be attractive.

Anonymous wrote:The comment about your physiology is a big clue. I know you don’t want to give details but without the details, nobody can really answer your question. Do you mean that you’re obese? Or you’re premature? It doesn’t sound like a typical situation.

I disagree. MOST women don’t climax via PIV and a dampened libido post-children is a recurrent theme on this forum. This is all completely normal, OP. It’s okay to feel sad but don’t let it linger or let her see what will feel like a reproach. Just amp up the cheer- make time to do fun things together and keep initiating. Sometimes sex is like exercise, we might procrastinate or even dread it a bit, but afterwards we feel great. It is important for bonding and neither of you will benefit if you stop initiating.

Anonymous wrote:She’s prudish which is how a lot of women were raised. It is what it is. I would never expect initiation from a person like that nor would I expect them to ever have an AP so that’s the good thing about it. 5 times a month is great!

Not. I was crazy sex fiend with husband throughout 20s-30s, even early 40s. Game for anything. Definitely not a prude. But mid 40s and onward just don’t feel it.

The whole “wife is a prude” blah blah is overdone. Trust me —there is absolutely nothing an AP could do that wasn’t already done with me—even 3-some.

OP suggest you find a more sex positive place to get advice than DCUM …

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask.

This is your answer. Women at that stage do not view sex as intimacy, desirable, or in any way as a necessary part of a monogamous marriage. They view it as a chore they will put off as long as they can get away with it.

Yes. 54 year old fit woman. My husband still wants it several times a week. I’m just not into it—I’ll comply but if I initiate it’s like once a month at that.

Hormones change.

She’s in her early 40s. Not mid 50s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She reaches O essentially 100% percent of the time, though basically never through PIV. That is some combo of her physiology and mine. That was an issue earlier on in relationship, but post-kids (body changes) she seems to prefer sex other than PIV anyway. That’s as far as I can go on details, both for my own comfort and to not get this thread removed.

Honestly I think if you have a working mom in her 40’s having sex she didn’t initiate and you think she has an orgasm 100% of the time she’s just not being honest with you. It’s possible, especially if you use a vibrator, but the odds it’s not really true are also high especially if you won’t leave her alone until she “gets off.”

Yep. Just pretend to get it over with and make him feel good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She reaches O essentially 100% percent of the time, though basically never through PIV. That is some combo of her physiology and mine. That was an issue earlier on in relationship, but post-kids (body changes) she seems to prefer sex other than PIV anyway. That’s as far as I can go on details, both for my own comfort and to not get this thread removed.

Honestly I think if you have a working mom in her 40’s having sex she didn’t initiate and you think she has an orgasm 100% of the time she’s just not being honest with you. It’s possible, especially if you use a vibrator, but the odds it’s not really true are also high especially if you won’t leave her alone until she “gets off.”

Um what? Why would you think that? Orgasming once a week seems really quite normal. Especially since OP has indicated they do more than PIV. I’m not especially high drive and could reliably orgasm once a week even with my exDH since he had basic sexual literacy about women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask.

This is your answer. Women at that stage do not view sex as intimacy, desirable, or in any way as a necessary part of a monogamous marriage. They view it as a chore they will put off as long as they can get away with it.

Yes. 54 year old fit woman. My husband still wants it several times a week. I’m just not into it—I’ll comply but if I initiate it’s like once a month at that.

Hormones change.

Anonymous wrote:You have a right to feel sad, just like I have a right to feel sad that my DH never takes out the trash unless I ask. But the question is what should you do about being sad?

You can communicate consistently about why and how it’s important to you. You can try to facilitate it, by making her happy in other ways (this only works if you’re also communicating about it). You can just get over it on your own, or you can get divorced.

No one gets everything they want and you’re not the boss of other people. So you really can only manage your end of it (which, again, includes communicating about it even if you feel like that hasn’t “worked”) and then decide what your boundaries are going to be. This wouldn’t be even close to a marital deal breaker for me personally, but ymmv.

You equating these things is … jaw-dropping.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She reaches O essentially 100% percent of the time, though basically never through PIV. That is some combo of her physiology and mine. That was an issue earlier on in relationship, but post-kids (body changes) she seems to prefer sex other than PIV anyway. That’s as far as I can go on details, both for my own comfort and to not get this thread removed.

Honestly I think if you have a working mom in her 40’s having sex she didn’t initiate and you think she has an orgasm 100% of the time she’s just not being honest with you. It’s possible, especially if you use a vibrator, but the odds it’s not really true are also high especially if you won’t leave her alone until she “gets off.”

Anonymous wrote:She’s prudish which is how a lot of women were raised. It is what it is. I would never expect initiation from a person like that nor would I expect them to ever have an AP so that’s the good thing about it. 5 times a month is great!

It’s not “prudish” for a woman to fall into sexual patterns that conform to societal and biological expectations. If OP starts to view his wife’s sexuality as wrong, bad or damaged, he’s going to destroy what he has. He can try to understand her. He can try to seduce her. He can humbly request things (that he doesn’t deserve).