I don’t care for in-laws, and they have been markedly uninvolved grandparents. We do visit 1-2 year, staying in a hotel, and trying to find some additional activities for our DCs. I do this because I want my DH to be okay with his relationship with them especially because they are older with some health issues. I feel it is my obligation as a spouse, and he has always been good with my parents. It is on him to bring it up, but I will continue to support him
If he wants us to go. He usually visits once a year without us as well. They will be gone eventually, and I don’t want any tension about this between us. I can grin and bear it for a few days a couple times a year. Your DH can too.

You need to accept he isn't going to go. Your parents are likely way worse than you are willing to acknowledge-- you're used to it. You need to see a therapist for your trauma of being raised by them.

Go yourself with just one or two kids. Your DH should drive you to the airport and pick you up. He can get a caregiver pass to come through security and be at the gate with you if you're taking all three kids.

Team husband. He has no obligation to visit.

That said, it sounds like you going by yourself with the three kids is untenable. If so, I would try to do one of these:

1. Go by yourself with only one or two of your kids, with the expectation that in a couple years you (by yourself) can take all three kids for visits once the kids are older (I have a SN kid so I get it).

2. Go with your DH once every year or so, but stay for exactly one overnight and then travel on to somewhere else cool. Can DH deal with a single overnight?

3. Get your DH to compromise - you both do a single 3-4 day trip together to your parents in 2024, with the understanding with DH that you never ask again. Because next year you can skip a travel year (hey mom and dad, we visited last year so this year you come to us) and then the kids are older so in two years you take them by yourself. I have plenty of friends where only one person in the couple takes the kids to their parents, and the spouse stays home. Not odd.

Some of these suggestions involve compromises where your DH visits your parents. I am wholeheartedly in his court and thinks he owes them nothing. But if he loves you, it’s not unthinkable that he wouldn’t come up with a lesser alternative where he takes one for the team and just goes, so you can see your parents. But both of these compromises involve significantly reduced visits than you’re proposing. Your plan of 2 visits a year in perpetuity is absolutely madness.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband is good at establishing boundaries. Respect that.

+1 Just because your parents conditioned you to love them and tolerate unacceptable behavior in the name of 'family' doesn't mean your DH needs to support your lack of boundaries and subject himself to your family's dysfunction.

I worked hard to get away from dysfunction like you describe. I wouldn't willingly subject my spouse or kids to it. And, if for some reason they were, the moment my family of origin stepped out of line, I'd shut them down.

Important fact: Your husband is not visiting your parents. This is all on you. Figure it out.

OP, have your parents been to visit you? Have they met the kids? If they do visit, where do they stay?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity.



DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.

I can not reconcile these two things. Like it's bizarre you would consider leaving your kids with someone you describe that way, that they don't even know.

I would just take your children by yourself, but only if you don't plan to leave them with your parents.

+1

- although I do agree with PP that your spouse should suck it up, for you and the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're unpleasant, fearful, judgmental and have narcissitic tendencies that I believe are a cover for breathtaking insecurity.



DH and I would be able to leave the kids with them, go away to a nice hotel for a night or two and try to turn it into something positive.

I can not reconcile these two things. Like it's bizarre you would consider leaving your kids with someone you describe that way, that they don't even know.

I would just take your children by yourself, but only if you don't plan to leave them with your parents.

+1

My in laws sound similar. I think there are a few things to keep in mind. First, the spouse with the horrible parents ALWAYS downplays how terrible it is to spend time with their parents because they are, to a certain extent, habituated through childhood to tolerate it. Like do your parents have other relationships with other people? Or are they like mine where they have just a trail of friends and family who has grown tired of their crap? If the latter then you probably are not being honest with how exhausting and toxic they are.

Second, you should not leave your kids alone with them. That’s crazy.

Third, I personally think your spouse should suck it up and go as a kindness to you. Although definitely not more frequently than once a year on the high end. But have you ever asked him why he won’t?

I would go alone with two NT kids

Anonymous wrote:Go by yourself or with one or two kids. Do not leave your parents alone with your children.

Also, if I was your DH, I’d be horrified by the suggestion we’d get a date out of this trip. If you want a date, get a babysitter here.

Another idea is your DH comes on the trip to help with logistics - then has one 2 hour visit - on the first day - then has a major “work emergency” that keeps him away for most of the 3 days. Then he says goodbye and helps you get home. You get a lot of the benefits of him coming but he doesn’t have to be around them for more than a tiny amount of time.

Not a bad idea- and even if your parents suspect it is a lie, who cares? They don’t like him anyway and at least the work excuse lets everyone save face. He’d hardly be the first person to use work as an excuse to avoid ILs.

Team DH. The situation with your parents (and your relationship with them) sounds a lot like the dynamic with my DH and ILs. I’ll give you the perspective from the other side. We’ve been married almost 20yrs and have 3 teens. Here is what I will tell you, though it may be difficult to hear: if your parents and your DH are getting into fights over a period of years along with the other drama you describe- and this dynamic has gone on for THIS long- you almost certainly bear some responsibility for this dynamic. You make yourself sound like an innocent bystander in all of this, which is highly unlikely to be the case. While I’m absolutely sure you didn’t intend to (these things can be so difficult, and it isn’t your fault your parents are this way)- you probably failed to set boundaries or handle things well at some point along the way. Your DH is likely fed up and has had enough, and he doubts future visits will be any different than past visits.

I don’t see any point of pushing DH to go. It will probably go poorly. You sound very conflicted about the relationship with your parents as it is- seems there may continue to be drama, and adding DH into the mix will make things worse. Go on your own and take the kids (or however many kids you can manage- maybe 1-2 kids at a time).

Sounds like your husband is good at establishing boundaries. Respect that.

Go by yourself or with one or two kids. Do not leave your parents alone with your children.

Also, if I was your DH, I’d be horrified by the suggestion we’d get a date out of this trip. If you want a date, get a babysitter here.

Another idea is your DH comes on the trip to help with logistics - then has one 2 hour visit - on the first day - then has a major “work emergency” that keeps him away for most of the 3 days. Then he says goodbye and helps you get home. You get a lot of the benefits of him coming but he doesn’t have to be around them for more than a tiny amount of time.

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to know how to view this. On it's face, I think your DH should do this for you-- they are your parents. OTOH, their past behavior and treatment of you/your DH/your kids really matter. I can imagine scenarios where I would totally team DH on this.

So. It sounds like you and DH are at an impasse, and traveling alone with 3 kids, one with SNs isn't really doable. You said you wanted to make 3 trips. What about you visiting with one or two kids at time?

OP - that’s an option I’ve been considering. It may be the best way to go. DH not showing up will irk them and yeah, give them more reason to dislike him, but he could care less. They’re from a background where you just do certain things for family because it’s family. So yeah, I may just try to go without him and make it palatable for myself and the kids.