Anonymous wrote:
I know several over-degreed and under-employed people around me, including my own husband. However unlike most people, we understood at an early age that salary did not have to equal net worth. We have investments that make the household run. It's nice to be able to separate one's area of expertise from the ability to provide.

On the other hand, each adult in the household, barring special needs, should be cognizant of the household budget and expenses. It doesn't need to be "the man of the house" who leads the way. YOU can earn the most, and keep the accounts, if he contributes in other ways. Regularly, you can sit him down and say: "this is what we earned, this is what we spent, here is the tax form, go do it." And have him grocery shop, or make appointments for the doctor, or whatever you think he could benefit from. It's not a moral failing to not know, or not be interested. It's a moral failing to not share the general load. The sharing can be "everyone in his lane because that's how things get automated and done perfectly" or "everyone can do most of everything in a pinch".

Anonymous wrote:DH has had some career bumps, but he is valued in his current role where he has been for almost ten years. Salary is modest and just under 100K. He has improved his skills and looked for other roles with no luck. I have received a promotion and these increased earnings have covered a lot to get DCs launched. DH received an elite education and he seems to be oblivious to what anything costs. If your DH is was not able to improve their earnings did you just drop it at some point. It is probably the most significant issue in our marriage, and I am very frustrated.

Anonymous wrote:You're living in a bubble. Signed, a mother making 20k who's kids father makes 55k. (Co-parenting).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is a generally good husband, but his career has been a real sticking point for us. DCs are high school/college age so we are at a high expense time. 10-20K in salary would make a significant difference for us. Even if DH was able to negotiate a raise in his current role I would feel better about this. He is generally an ostrich about finances, and his siblings have similar dynamics with career constraints and leaning on spouses. His parents are wealthy but controlling which I don’t encouraged any of his siblings to be proactive about money.

NP. To be blunt, if 10-20 K over a year of income is a "significant difference," it sounds as if your family may be living too close to the line on your savings (including saving for college and retirement) versus your spending. I know. That sounds entitled and wealthy of me. But in this area, frankly, if you are THIS worried about that amount -- another $800 to $1600 a month, or $200 a week more at the low end -- you sound like you're in financial trouble or just not getting good advice on handling/investing/saving the money you both already DO earn. Yes, $200 more a week is the difference between, say, a kid participating in a HS-level extracurricular and maybe getting academic tutoring or saving that much more for college eventually, which is great, but...Are you really thinking less of your DH as a husband and father, over your desired $200 a week?

You sound extremely career- and money-driven, OP. Look at your own upbringing; were you maybe raised with less than others, so you always think your family needs more? Conversely,, were you raised with career- and money-driven parents who earned a lot, and that is your expectation of marriage?

If your DH knew the full extent of your apparent disappointment in him, and LONG-harbored resentment of him -- how do you think he'd feel? I'm betting you've told him to earn more but not really exposed how his earning and career focus makes you think less of him as a person. Is that right?

Check threads here over the years. So many wives who've said they'd rather see their DHs and have their kids see their father (Yes, even HS age kids) than have dad at work late every night. Or taking work calls/emails during what are supposed to be famiily times. Or traveling more for work because that's how they have to chase more money.

Stopped reading. Get an editor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is a generally good husband, but his career has been a real sticking point for us. DCs are high school/college age so we are at a high expense time. 10-20K in salary would make a significant difference for us. Even if DH was able to negotiate a raise in his current role I would feel better about this. He is generally an ostrich about finances, and his siblings have similar dynamics with career constraints and leaning on spouses. His parents are wealthy but controlling which I don’t encouraged any of his siblings to be proactive about money.

NP. To be blunt, if 10-20 K over a year of income is a "significant difference," it sounds as if your family may be living too close to the line on your savings (including saving for college and retirement) versus your spending. I know. That sounds entitled and wealthy of me. But in this area, frankly, if you are THIS worried about that amount -- another $800 to $1600 a month, or $200 a week more at the low end -- you sound like you're in financial trouble or just not getting good advice on handling/investing/saving the money you both already DO earn. Yes, $200 more a week is the difference between, say, a kid participating in a HS-level extracurricular and maybe getting academic tutoring or saving that much more for college eventually, which is great, but...Are you really thinking less of your DH as a husband and father, over your desired $200 a week?

You sound extremely career- and money-driven, OP. Look at your own upbringing; were you maybe raised with less than others, so you always think your family needs more? Conversely,, were you raised with career- and money-driven parents who earned a lot, and that is your expectation of marriage?

If your DH knew the full extent of your apparent disappointment in him, and LONG-harbored resentment of him -- how do you think he'd feel? I'm betting you've told him to earn more but not really exposed how his earning and career focus makes you think less of him as a person. Is that right?

Check threads here over the years. So many wives who've said they'd rather see their DHs and have their kids see their father (Yes, even HS age kids) than have dad at work late every night. Or taking work calls/emails during what are supposed to be famiily times. Or traveling more for work because that's how they have to chase more money.

Stopped reading. Get an editor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is a generally good husband, but his career has been a real sticking point for us. DCs are high school/college age so we are at a high expense time. 10-20K in salary would make a significant difference for us. Even if DH was able to negotiate a raise in his current role I would feel better about this. He is generally an ostrich about finances, and his siblings have similar dynamics with career constraints and leaning on spouses. His parents are wealthy but controlling which I don’t encouraged any of his siblings to be proactive about money.

NP. To be blunt, if 10-20 K over a year of income is a "significant difference," it sounds as if your family may be living too close to the line on your savings (including saving for college and retirement) versus your spending. I know. That sounds entitled and wealthy of me. But in this area, frankly, if you are THIS worried about that amount -- another $800 to $1600 a month, or $200 a week more at the low end -- you sound like you're in financial trouble or just not getting good advice on handling/investing/saving the money you both already DO earn. Yes, $200 more a week is the difference between, say, a kid participating in a HS-level extracurricular and maybe getting academic tutoring or saving that much more for college eventually, which is great, but...Are you really thinking less of your DH as a husband and father, over your desired $200 a week?

You sound extremely career- and money-driven, OP. Look at your own upbringing; were you maybe raised with less than others, so you always think your family needs more? Conversely,, were you raised with career- and money-driven parents who earned a lot, and that is your expectation of marriage?

If your DH knew the full extent of your apparent disappointment in him, and LONG-harbored resentment of him -- how do you think he'd feel? I'm betting you've told him to earn more but not really exposed how his earning and career focus makes you think less of him as a person. Is that right?

Check threads here over the years. So many wives who've said they'd rather see their DHs and have their kids see their father (Yes, even HS age kids) than have dad at work late every night. Or taking work calls/emails during what are supposed to be famiily times. Or traveling more for work because that's how they have to chase more money.

Anonymous wrote:You're living in a bubble. Signed, a mother making 20k who's kids father makes 55k. (Co-parenting).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is a generally good husband, but his career has been a real sticking point for us. DCs are high school/college age so we are at a high expense time. 10-20K in salary would make a significant difference for us. Even if DH was able to negotiate a raise in his current role I would feel better about this. He is generally an ostrich about finances, and his siblings have similar dynamics with career constraints and leaning on spouses. His parents are wealthy but controlling which I don’t encouraged any of his siblings to be proactive about money.

NP. To be blunt, if 10-20 K over a year of income is a "significant difference," it sounds as if your family may be living too close to the line on your savings (including saving for college and retirement) versus your spending. I know. That sounds entitled and wealthy of me. But in this area, frankly, if you are THIS worried about that amount -- another $800 to $1600 a month, or $200 a week more at the low end -- you sound like you're in financial trouble or just not getting good advice on handling/investing/saving the money you both already DO earn. Yes, $200 more a week is the difference between, say, a kid participating in a HS-level extracurricular and maybe getting academic tutoring or saving that much more for college eventually, which is great, but...Are you really thinking less of your DH as a husband and father, over your desired $200 a week?

You sound extremely career- and money-driven, OP. Look at your own upbringing; were you maybe raised with less than others, so you always think your family needs more? Conversely,, were you raised with career- and money-driven parents who earned a lot, and that is your expectation of marriage?

If your DH knew the full extent of your apparent disappointment in him, and LONG-harbored resentment of him -- how do you think he'd feel? I'm betting you've told him to earn more but not really exposed how his earning and career focus makes you think less of him as a person. Is that right?

Check threads here over the years. So many wives who've said they'd rather see their DHs and have their kids see their father (Yes, even HS age kids) than have dad at work late every night. Or taking work calls/emails during what are supposed to be famiily times. Or traveling more for work because that's how they have to chase more money.