Anonymous wrote:I dont know what a discipline referral is, and my kids are younger so maybe this isnt relevant but my 3rd grader rarely makes it through a day in school without an incident. He spends a portion of every day in the office. It's frustrating but honestly I kind of thought it was normal for adhd kids to not be able to participate in class. I would suggest just letting the natural school consequences play out and continue to support her as you normally do.

This is VERY concerning, PP. This isn't at all like what OP is describing. Your kid is simply not being educated. If he can't spend a single day in a classroom, he needs some kind of help - does he have an IEP? You all need some help.

This is high school. This school is not likely to be very helpful at this age. OP said she gets many warnings before the referral. The social consequences of this must be significant, if nothing else. I would definitely take a look at the medication and see your prescriber more often than twice a year.

If she is getting referrals, this means she is pretty much impacting the teacher’s ability to teach. It has to get pretty disruptive to warrant a referral. You need to talk to the doctor and your kid is old enough to use strategies to let the teacher teach and respect the teacher. I would insist that she write a letter of apology and would follow up with a meeting with the teacher and kid to find out exactly what is going on. When you hear from the teacher exactly what is happening, you will be better able to understand. I’ve had parents bring their kid in and say the kid said he didn’t do anything, and when I outline what has actually happened, the kid sinks down in their chair and the parent realizes that the kid is not being honest and they take the kid home, assuring me that this will be dealt with. If it is the same teacher each time, it could be more willful on your daughter’s part. Or, it could be a bad teacher match, but go in and find out.


If a younger kid is spending time in the office every day, that’s a red flag that the kid is missing instruction, is damaging peer relationships by being the “bad kid,” and the kid is likely suffering from low self-esteem from always being in trouble. It’s not just the school’s problem. It should be a partnership. I feel bad for that kid. And it’s a burden on the teacher and the office staff.

I would also ask if the referral is for 3 one off days of too much talking, or this a slow burn where the teacher is dealing with it every day and reaches the end of their rope every once in a while.

3 one offs, I would be letting the natural consequences happen and not blowing it out of proportion. if it's daily, then it's worth a review of meds.

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Anonymous wrote:Three referrals in 4+ months doesn’t seem that bad … I honestly would just let her have the natural consequences. The only thing I would object to is missing class time, but lunch or after school detention seems fine. Increasing meds seems like overkill.

Really? I'd be in full swing trying to get back on track. It's pretty bad before you get a referral. Imagine how much the kid is affecting the classroom and other kids.

BTDT. To get “back on track” requires the school to engage in effective behavior modification which schools basically never do. And really, talking a lot in one class once a month is not a catastrophe. She can take the detention and learn there are consequences.

Disagree. This is back on you (the parent) to figure out. What even is effective behavior modification for a 15 year old? The only thing she'll learn is that no one is upset if she gets a detention so it's no big deal. Basically no consequence. If OP wants a change, they need to freak out a little. If for no other reason than the kid sees this is not ok.

If you have thr capacity to freak out over every consequence and if its effective in your parenting methods to do so, I would suggest that your child is mostly neurotypical. Parents of kids with severe disabilities chose the battles to fight early on and a detention for talking in class is just not one of them.

This is the special needs board. You have no right to dismiss another parent's efforts to reduce conflict and problems with their kid, even if you suspect, perhaps wrongly, that their kid is not as impacted by their disability as yours.

Shame on you.

I'm PP and what I'm suggesting is that "freaking out" isnt effective for special needs kids in this situation. I hope other parents reading it in this forum understand that is not the best path for most kids. It's certainly never worked to change behavior for my kid, that is one of the first things I learned early on in parent therapy. There are things worth freaking out over but talking in class isnt one of them. Also if the school gives a consequence, adding an additional consequence at home has little to no value.

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Anonymous wrote:Three referrals in 4+ months doesn’t seem that bad … I honestly would just let her have the natural consequences. The only thing I would object to is missing class time, but lunch or after school detention seems fine. Increasing meds seems like overkill.

Really? I'd be in full swing trying to get back on track. It's pretty bad before you get a referral. Imagine how much the kid is affecting the classroom and other kids.

BTDT. To get “back on track” requires the school to engage in effective behavior modification which schools basically never do. And really, talking a lot in one class once a month is not a catastrophe. She can take the detention and learn there are consequences.

Disagree. This is back on you (the parent) to figure out. What even is effective behavior modification for a 15 year old? The only thing she'll learn is that no one is upset if she gets a detention so it's no big deal. Basically no consequence. If OP wants a change, they need to freak out a little. If for no other reason than the kid sees this is not ok.

If you have thr capacity to freak out over every consequence and if its effective in your parenting methods to do so, I would suggest that your child is mostly neurotypical. Parents of kids with severe disabilities chose the battles to fight early on and a detention for talking in class is just not one of them.

This is the special needs board. You have no right to dismiss another parent's efforts to reduce conflict and problems with their kid, even if you suspect, perhaps wrongly, that their kid is not as impacted by their disability as yours.

Shame on you.

oh please.

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Anonymous wrote:Three referrals in 4+ months doesn’t seem that bad … I honestly would just let her have the natural consequences. The only thing I would object to is missing class time, but lunch or after school detention seems fine. Increasing meds seems like overkill.

No. It's unacceptable. OP is right to be concerned. I hope you figure it out, OP, for your kid's sake. The disruption in class must be significant and socially for her that must have consequences.

Declaring behavior unacceptable and $5 will get you a Starbucks. In the pantheon of “behaviors” this is extremely mild. I’d let the school handle it they way they are (referrals) unless there’s something else going on.

Just because there's worse things out there doesn't mean OP shouldn't be worried. It's this family's "worse" thing, so they care. If another family's "worse thing" is something much more dire, well, that's them. Her daughter needs better meds, maybe better therapy, and knowing that her parents are not amused and will try to curb that behavior.

My son has ADHD/ASD and entirely different problems. We try to address them, not ignore them just because "they're mild, in the pantheon of behaviors." What a ridiculous notion!

You have to pick your battles. And I’m sorry, three detentions for talking in four months is no emergency.

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Anonymous wrote:Three referrals in 4+ months doesn’t seem that bad … I honestly would just let her have the natural consequences. The only thing I would object to is missing class time, but lunch or after school detention seems fine. Increasing meds seems like overkill.

Really? I'd be in full swing trying to get back on track. It's pretty bad before you get a referral. Imagine how much the kid is affecting the classroom and other kids.

BTDT. To get “back on track” requires the school to engage in effective behavior modification which schools basically never do. And really, talking a lot in one class once a month is not a catastrophe. She can take the detention and learn there are consequences.

Disagree. This is back on you (the parent) to figure out. What even is effective behavior modification for a 15 year old? The only thing she'll learn is that no one is upset if she gets a detention so it's no big deal. Basically no consequence. If OP wants a change, they need to freak out a little. If for no other reason than the kid sees this is not ok.

OP is not in the school. The school has to implement any behavioral modification, and indeed the school is doing that through giving detention. And as much as you want to freak out, three detentions in four months is not horrible. Sure OP can add a consequence at home but that’s unlikely to be effective.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three referrals in 4+ months doesn’t seem that bad … I honestly would just let her have the natural consequences. The only thing I would object to is missing class time, but lunch or after school detention seems fine. Increasing meds seems like overkill.

Really? I'd be in full swing trying to get back on track. It's pretty bad before you get a referral. Imagine how much the kid is affecting the classroom and other kids.

BTDT. To get “back on track” requires the school to engage in effective behavior modification which schools basically never do. And really, talking a lot in one class once a month is not a catastrophe. She can take the detention and learn there are consequences.

Disagree. This is back on you (the parent) to figure out. What even is effective behavior modification for a 15 year old? The only thing she'll learn is that no one is upset if she gets a detention so it's no big deal. Basically no consequence. If OP wants a change, they need to freak out a little. If for no other reason than the kid sees this is not ok.

If you have thr capacity to freak out over every consequence and if its effective in your parenting methods to do so, I would suggest that your child is mostly neurotypical. Parents of kids with severe disabilities chose the battles to fight early on and a detention for talking in class is just not one of them.

This is the special needs board. You have no right to dismiss another parent's efforts to reduce conflict and problems with their kid, even if you suspect, perhaps wrongly, that their kid is not as impacted by their disability as yours.

Shame on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three referrals in 4+ months doesn’t seem that bad … I honestly would just let her have the natural consequences. The only thing I would object to is missing class time, but lunch or after school detention seems fine. Increasing meds seems like overkill.

No. It's unacceptable. OP is right to be concerned. I hope you figure it out, OP, for your kid's sake. The disruption in class must be significant and socially for her that must have consequences.

Declaring behavior unacceptable and $5 will get you a Starbucks. In the pantheon of “behaviors” this is extremely mild. I’d let the school handle it they way they are (referrals) unless there’s something else going on.

Just because there's worse things out there doesn't mean OP shouldn't be worried. It's this family's "worse" thing, so they care. If another family's "worse thing" is something much more dire, well, that's them. Her daughter needs better meds, maybe better therapy, and knowing that her parents are not amused and will try to curb that behavior.

My son has ADHD/ASD and entirely different problems. We try to address them, not ignore them just because "they're mild, in the pantheon of behaviors." What a ridiculous notion!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know what a discipline referral is, and my kids are younger so maybe this isnt relevant but my 3rd grader rarely makes it through a day in school without an incident. He spends a portion of every day in the office. It's frustrating but honestly I kind of thought it was normal for adhd kids to not be able to participate in class. I would suggest just letting the natural school consequences play out and continue to support her as you normally do.

So what are you doing about it? It's not normal.

I mostly let it go and continue to focus on the things we can control- medication, therapy, creating healthy environments, learning coping strategies, being respectful. I fully support the teachers and administrators in how they need to handle the classroom. But I don't stress about it to my child when he has to leave the room and sit in detention or the equivalent. That in itself is the consequence. What would you suggest I do?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three referrals in 4+ months doesn’t seem that bad … I honestly would just let her have the natural consequences. The only thing I would object to is missing class time, but lunch or after school detention seems fine. Increasing meds seems like overkill.

Really? I'd be in full swing trying to get back on track. It's pretty bad before you get a referral. Imagine how much the kid is affecting the classroom and other kids.

BTDT. To get “back on track” requires the school to engage in effective behavior modification which schools basically never do. And really, talking a lot in one class once a month is not a catastrophe. She can take the detention and learn there are consequences.

Disagree. This is back on you (the parent) to figure out. What even is effective behavior modification for a 15 year old? The only thing she'll learn is that no one is upset if she gets a detention so it's no big deal. Basically no consequence. If OP wants a change, they need to freak out a little. If for no other reason than the kid sees this is not ok.

If you have thr capacity to freak out over every consequence and if its effective in your parenting methods to do so, I would suggest that your child is mostly neurotypical. Parents of kids with severe disabilities chose the battles to fight early on and a detention for talking in class is just not one of them.

Anonymous wrote:I dont know what a discipline referral is, and my kids are younger so maybe this isnt relevant but my 3rd grader rarely makes it through a day in school without an incident. He spends a portion of every day in the office. It's frustrating but honestly I kind of thought it was normal for adhd kids to not be able to participate in class. I would suggest just letting the natural school consequences play out and continue to support her as you normally do.

So what are you doing about it? It's not normal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three referrals in 4+ months doesn’t seem that bad … I honestly would just let her have the natural consequences. The only thing I would object to is missing class time, but lunch or after school detention seems fine. Increasing meds seems like overkill.

No. It's unacceptable. OP is right to be concerned. I hope you figure it out, OP, for your kid's sake. The disruption in class must be significant and socially for her that must have consequences.

Declaring behavior unacceptable and $5 will get you a Starbucks. In the pantheon of “behaviors” this is extremely mild. I’d let the school handle it they way they are (referrals) unless there’s something else going on.

I agree with this. Talking in class barely registers on my list of concerns for DS. That's it? Great, he'll be there for whatever consequence occurs and thanks for letting me know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Three referrals in 4+ months doesn’t seem that bad … I honestly would just let her have the natural consequences. The only thing I would object to is missing class time, but lunch or after school detention seems fine. Increasing meds seems like overkill.

Really? I'd be in full swing trying to get back on track. It's pretty bad before you get a referral. Imagine how much the kid is affecting the classroom and other kids.

BTDT. To get “back on track” requires the school to engage in effective behavior modification which schools basically never do. And really, talking a lot in one class once a month is not a catastrophe. She can take the detention and learn there are consequences.

Disagree. This is back on you (the parent) to figure out. What even is effective behavior modification for a 15 year old? The only thing she'll learn is that no one is upset if she gets a detention so it's no big deal. Basically no consequence. If OP wants a change, they need to freak out a little. If for no other reason than the kid sees this is not ok.