Anonymous
Post 01/09/2024 11:03     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
I've found that giving my 8YO another chance to tell the truth (without being shamed or punished) he usually does. I'll say something like, "how about I check in with you again in a few minutes, and if your answer is different that's ok". Or if it's a task he'll get up and go do it.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2024 11:01     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Anonymous wrote:I've been catching DD 8 lying somewhat regularly, they're relatively little things, but I don't like the pattern of behavior. But yesterday I called her out and she dug in deeper and the argument went for far longer than it needed to and I just don't feel good about the incident.
We were reading in my room before bed, I noticed her lip was cracking and dry and i told her to go grab the Vaseline in my bathroom and put some on. She went in the bathroom came out and said, ok I put some on. At the time I remember thinking her lip looks exactly the same. An hour later I was looking for the Vaseline in question myself and couldn't find it in the bathroom, and then I remembered that DH had taken it downstairs the night before. This morning I was helping her get ready and I recounted the story to her and asked her why she lied about such a small thing. Instead of admitting it, she decided to lie again and said I thought you said something else. I said, what'd you think I said. She said, thought you said to go brush my teeth. That lie didn't even make any sense obviously... why would she brush her teeth in my bathroom. Then we argued about that lie and it just became a bigger deal than intended and everyone went to work/school in a bad mood.
I just wonder if I should have handled this differently. I do put a premium on honesty and have always said so to the kids. Other times I've caught her lying are things like, she'll tell us, her brother said he hates me, when he said nothing of the sort and when called out she'll admit he didn't. Things like that. Kind of small, but the pattern is bothersome. DD personality-wise is more "oppositional" than average, I think. So the lying seems almost like a gut reaction more than anything she's doing consciously.


Fooling around and lying about little things and making things up is part of life at that age. I would just mention "no lying, I know you haven't done it" and leave it at that. Just a consistent message about "no lying" would be beneficial in the long run. No need to argue or create a drama.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2024 10:44     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes my kids dig into a lie because they feel caught and don't know how to get out, so I help them. "Did you really make your bed or do you want to go check?" "Can you go check whether you put your toothbrush away?" "Lets check the morning routine list to see if there is anything else left to do." That last one is if they say they're all ready for school but I just walked past their bedroom and their bed isn't made and their pjs are on the floor. The biggest one that drives me nuts is when my kids say they've washed their hands with soap after using the bathroom and their hands are dry. I try to keep it playful. "Did you use teh dry water or the wet water?" That gets my youngest laughing. He'll tell me I'm sill because all water is wet, then run and wash his hands. For my older kids I'll make funny faces and say things like "did you wash your hands with soap or did a giant panda bear get in your way? Lets go tell that panda they need to share the sink!"

+2

Great suggestions!

I also point out that people who see that you’re a frequent liar will stop taking you at your word, and this can become a problem when you need something.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2024 10:03     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No, I don’t care about white lies and don’t call them out.


+1
Seriously! Just let her know that you know and eventually she'll be embarrassed... or more crafty. The more you give attention to this behavior, the more of it you will get.


Your response is exactly why we don’t let it slide. They will get better at it. You want to build the trust and expections before the teen years hit.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2024 08:29     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't put her in a position to lie to you. Don't ask questions you know the answer to. (Did you put the Vaseline on? Did you brush your teeth? Did you do your homework/turn it in? Etc.)

Make statements, don't ask questions that give her an opportunity to lie. That will encourage her to lie more.


This doesn't work for me. I don't ask, I say "brush your teeth" and "do your homework" and the response are lies. "I did!"


You might get a different response to “I see from xyz evidence that you have not done your homework.”


I'm not looking for a specific response. I just want the homework done. All she really hears is "blah blah blah" anyway. But she will act like it's new information that I'm actually going to pull out her work and look at it. She thinks she's going to get away with it, every time and can't help herself.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2024 08:10     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Anonymous wrote:No, I don’t care about white lies and don’t call them out.


+1
Seriously! Just let her know that you know and eventually she'll be embarrassed... or more crafty. The more you give attention to this behavior, the more of it you will get.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2024 08:06     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Anonymous wrote: Every lie is a big deal in our house, it degrades trust. Why would I let some lies slide and not others? It’s much easier to be black and white on this issue.. we don’t lie.

By age 8, it’s a calm conversation about trust and how the more I trust is them, the more freedoms they have. If I can’t trust them to do small things I ask, how can I possibly trust them with big things? If they want to do big-kid stuff, I need to trust them.

And I explain how it’s hard to build trust and easy to lose.. so it’s really not worth losing trust with these little lies. If she didn’t want to do the Vaseline, she should have just said so instead of lying. In which case I would have dropped it and not made her put it on.


This is how I handled it too. I didn’t make a big deal or try to make him feel bad but I explained how trust is so hard to build and so easy to break. I think it’s an important foundation to set for kids because it can lead to a behavioral pattern. I want them to be able to tell me the truth and when they do I applaud them and don’t make them in trouble. I can see a change in my teen and when he just confesses to me, I can see the burden lifted instead of the guilt of lying on his face.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2024 07:58     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes my kids dig into a lie because they feel caught and don't know how to get out, so I help them. "Did you really make your bed or do you want to go check?" "Can you go check whether you put your toothbrush away?" "Lets check the morning routine list to see if there is anything else left to do." That last one is if they say they're all ready for school but I just walked past their bedroom and their bed isn't made and their pjs are on the floor. The biggest one that drives me nuts is when my kids say they've washed their hands with soap after using the bathroom and their hands are dry. I try to keep it playful. "Did you use teh dry water or the wet water?" That gets my youngest laughing. He'll tell me I'm sill because all water is wet, then run and wash his hands. For my older kids I'll make funny faces and say things like "did you wash your hands with soap or did a giant panda bear get in your way? Lets go tell that panda they need to share the sink!"


I think this is the best advice you can give. All kids do this to some extent. This allows them to let go of the shame of it and the back peddling but firmly lets them know they won’t get away with it because you will be verifying.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2024 07:53     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
I think sometimes my kids dig into a lie because they feel caught and don't know how to get out, so I help them. "Did you really make your bed or do you want to go check?" "Can you go check whether you put your toothbrush away?" "Lets check the morning routine list to see if there is anything else left to do." That last one is if they say they're all ready for school but I just walked past their bedroom and their bed isn't made and their pjs are on the floor. The biggest one that drives me nuts is when my kids say they've washed their hands with soap after using the bathroom and their hands are dry. I try to keep it playful. "Did you use teh dry water or the wet water?" That gets my youngest laughing. He'll tell me I'm sill because all water is wet, then run and wash his hands. For my older kids I'll make funny faces and say things like "did you wash your hands with soap or did a giant panda bear get in your way? Lets go tell that panda they need to share the sink!"
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2024 05:56     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Yes I call mine out. One of them we call “ little lawyer” because he lies so smoothly. If I get an intelligence insulting lie that’s easily picked apart of course there are consequences and confrontation. Just like irl
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2024 05:47     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Regarding the Vaseline application, you could have said, “I think you need a little more coverage”, and walked into the bathroom. When you couldn’t locate the Vaseline, then you could address it.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2024 23:51     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't put her in a position to lie to you. Don't ask questions you know the answer to. (Did you put the Vaseline on? Did you brush your teeth? Did you do your homework/turn it in? Etc.)

Make statements, don't ask questions that give her an opportunity to lie. That will encourage her to lie more.


This doesn't work for me. I don't ask, I say "brush your teeth" and "do your homework" and the response are lies. "I did!"


You might get a different response to “I see from xyz evidence that you have not done your homework.”
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2024 23:49     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Yes, 100% of the time. I’m not going to go to town on analysis or even discipline every time but the kid is going to know I caught them lying.

It’s developmentally normal for them to try lying but it’s also an important opportunity to understand that you are paying attention and not out to lunch. This carries over into helping them self-police behavior that would otherwise seem like easier stuff to get away with in the teen years.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2024 20:43     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don't put her in a position to lie to you. Don't ask questions you know the answer to. (Did you put the Vaseline on? Did you brush your teeth? Did you do your homework/turn it in? Etc.)

Make statements, don't ask questions that give her an opportunity to lie. That will encourage her to lie more.


This doesn't work for me. I don't ask, I say "brush your teeth" and "do your homework" and the response are lies. "I did!"


I feel if the toothbrush is wet. I say show me your homework. I'm sure my kids do lie to me but I'm always secretly checking up on stuff. Trust but verify kind of a thing


Yes that’s what I do. I’m the PP from above who has to check the backpack etc because she will try to get away with it. I make sure the tub is wet, towel wet, clothes are put away correctly (she will throw them behind a door to hide them but not put away) etc. it’s exhausting but I haven’t found a better way.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2024 20:40     Subject: do you call out your 8yo for lying about small things?
Yes because if you don't they escalate.