Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is he? Where did he go?

14 and in a friends car that was 16 on a provisional license. Kid took the car from the driveway.

Is this the OP? If so, I think there are some issues of concern here--14 is very young and joy riding with older kids in a boosted car is high-risk behavior. I think family therapy may be the best place to address this issue. Is he open to talking about what is going on? He was honest with you about how he did it, maybe the door is open to discuss why. You can express your concern that he is young, he is making some risky decisions that seem to be out of character and tell him that you want to understand his thoughts/reasons for making these decisions. Emphasize that you love him, you are concerned about him and want to keep him safe. And then listen to his answers. There may be things going on at home that are really impacting him--no matter how well adults think they are being managed. He may be distressed, he may be in over his head with peer pressure, he may be struggling with self-esteem issues and trying to give himself a boost by hanging out with edgy, "cooler" kids and doing edgy risky things. 14 year old don't think about consequences and he likely does not have a realistic sense of the risks he is taking.

I feel for you. This is the terrible part of parenting.

My brother did this back in the day - my mom woke up for something in the middle of the night, went to check on him before going back to sleep, and found his room empty and the car gone. It just about gave her a heart attack. He came home to her sitting in the garage waiting for him.

Honestly, turning your house into a fortress is not the answer. Making it a game of whether you can put security measures in place that they can’t defeat is not an effective strategy. Moving his bedroom closer to yours seems like an excellent idea. Finding tracking for his phone that can’t be disabled. Make it very, very clear what the punishment will be if this happens again.

But also talk to him about it…a lot. Make sure he understands why you feel the way you do - it’s about safety, not controlling him. Try not to make it a him v you situation but an ongoing conversation. See if there are ways you can meet the underlying need more safely.

And yes, filling up his time a bit more is probably also a good idea. Not a coincidence this happened over break. Also maybe a set wake-up time for breaks and weekends that make being out all night a little more painful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Window and sliding glass door sensors along with cameras on all 4 sides of the house - only attached to your phone (not the house computer that they can loop the feed.)

I would also put find my friends on find my iPhone. There is a parent lock that won’t let you freeze like life 360. But make sure you have their iPhone screen time on parent code restrictions and they can’t offload or temp delete the app.

Under screen time, content and privacy restrictions. It forces a 4 digit code to add and/or delete apps.

My kids downtime is set 11pm to 7am anyway so they can’t mess with anything.

There is always risk for burner phones though. So that is why getting the house security better too. And you can also physically check in the middle of the night.

I wish you could come around to local elementary schools and do consults for parents. I'd pay for this.

There were posts in another thread that parents didn't know what screen time, app limits and downtime were on an iPhone. And I was like who the heck gives their teen a phone with unlimited internet, social media, and apps with no way to control it. That's insane.

Anonymous wrote:Window and sliding glass door sensors along with cameras on all 4 sides of the house - only attached to your phone (not the house computer that they can loop the feed.)

I would also put find my friends on find my iPhone. There is a parent lock that won’t let you freeze like life 360. But make sure you have their iPhone screen time on parent code restrictions and they can’t offload or temp delete the app.

Under screen time, content and privacy restrictions. It forces a 4 digit code to add and/or delete apps.

My kids downtime is set 11pm to 7am anyway so they can’t mess with anything.

There is always risk for burner phones though. So that is why getting the house security better too. And you can also physically check in the middle of the night.

I wish you could come around to local elementary schools and do consults for parents. I'd pay for this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no experience with this (at least as far as I know!), but would be horrified to find out about it.

As others suggested, I would invest in home security and crack down on freedoms like use of car, etc.

I would also consider where my kid's room is located. This is a possible benefit of having a very small home, LOL. At any rate, this is one reason why when we were looking for a home, my strong preference was for kids bedrooms to be located on the same floor as parents. Forced proximity can be a good thing!

Me again: All that said, I would do what I could but the reality is that you probably can't stop a really determined teen from sneaking out. It's terrifying to contemplate. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Does your teen have a job? Perhaps more responsibilities would reduce time with questionable friend group?

Chores are better than a job for a problem child, IMO. The issue with a job is that now your teen has access to money, and that means access to Uber, drugs, etc. Unless you keep a real accounting of the money he is earning - or transfer his payment check to something that you can monitor like a Greenlight account - proceed cautiously.

Anonymous wrote:The 15 year old girl from north Bethesda who snuck out last July went missing for 6 weeks. Whatever she went through was not a rite of passage, nor was it consensual.

Exactly. There wasn’t human trafficking and laced drugs and date rape drugs in our generation.

Ugh yeah, I snuck out a lot in HS. It worried my parents sick and they tried everything but I always found ways around it. I don't know what to tell you, I also worry about my kids doing the same as I did when I was younger. I wasn't a "bad" kid, I never did drugs, never had sex (never even had a boyfriend in HS), I would maybe indulge in one wine cooler, but to think of the endless things that could have gone wrong... Just be glad cell phones are around now.

The 15 year old girl from north Bethesda who snuck out last July went missing for 6 weeks. Whatever she went through was not a rite of passage, nor was it consensual.

I used to sneak out in middle school. Ground floor bedroom. Never got caught. Also had lots of boys sneak in. I turned out fine.
One time in middle school my best friend and I came in the side door when coming home and she leaned on the doorbell by accident. We made up some story when my parents came down.
Some great memories.

Anonymous wrote:How old is he? Where did he go?

14 and in a friends car that was 16 on a provisional license. Kid took the car from the driveway.

Anonymous wrote:Window and sliding glass door sensors along with cameras on all 4 sides of the house - only attached to your phone (not the house computer that they can loop the feed.)

I would also put find my friends on find my iPhone. There is a parent lock that won’t let you freeze like life 360. But make sure you have their iPhone screen time on parent code restrictions and they can’t offload or temp delete the app.

Under screen time, content and privacy restrictions. It forces a 4 digit code to add and/or delete apps.

My kids downtime is set 11pm to 7am anyway so they can’t mess with anything.

There is always risk for burner phones though. So that is why getting the house security better too. And you can also physically check in the middle of the night.

All great advice

My kids allowed out until midnight and still tried to sneak out at 1am one night and I caught him before he left. Prob wasn’t the first time.

I snuck out when I was 15 and 16 and turned out fine. I’m successful, law-abiding, and an extremely responsible parent of 2 kids. I have nightmares thinking about my kids doing the stuff I did as a teenager. It is somewhat of a rite of passage. Not necessarily a reflection of his friends.

I snuck out constantly as a teen and ended up fine. So did my brothers. By the time I was a senior in HS we were all just literally walking out the back door because my parents didn’t care.

Is he sneaking out after midnight?

I guess we (and most people we know) get around this by letting our kids be out until midnight on Friday and Saturday nights. They have to be home at 12am. They're too tired after this to want to go out again.

why is he sneaking out?