Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.drpsychmom.com/empathic-ruptures-when-you-cant-forgive-your-partner-for-not-being-there-for-you/

Look into empathic ruptures. My DH pulled similar juvenile shenanigans when I was pregnant/ a new mother and I can’t forgive him. Looking back I shouldn’t have married him, but here we are.

This is a really good article. I like the 4 numbered points. I’ve never seen an apology process laid out in 4 pieces before. I’m terrible at apologies and want to do better. (I see how celebrities mess up public apologies! But I can’t fix my personal ones)

OP here. We did something close to these steps, about 2 years ago. I brought up several occurrences like these that I told him lived on in my mind and I had a hard time forgiving him for. I asked him to let me speak, because normally he interrupts, explains away, or says that it's unhealthy to bring up the past. And he actually sat in silence and listened, and that made a big difference. And then I really do think he was trying to understand and empathize. And he could see that it really hurt me. There was no apology, and he said he was silent because he was trying to really process what I was saying instead of responding. But he did acknowledge that he could see that the way he acted hurt me, and that he couldn't really explain why he acted the way he did. But in order to change, he would have to really shift his entire way of thinking.

It's been better after that. But I guess I have not taken that last step and actually forgiven him.

NP. Why not revisit the steps you used and this time keep going until he reaches an apology and you reach forgiveness? Two years have gone by, and since you felt the need to vent here, you're still clearly not fully better off than you were. If other things in the marriage are OK, and he actually listened two years ago in a way that was new for him, why not keep trying to progress? If there was progress, don't let it stall. I know, young kid(s), work, life, all get in the way and the next thing we know, two years have passed and things are better but still...you're unable to let past things go and he's unable to apologize out loud. You saw him trying to empathize before, so he's not irredeemable, but you'd both have to make the time like you did then. I hope you can, and that it works out. A counselor could be a help, if you and DH can't get back into the groove of talking like you did two years ago.

The knee-jerk "just divorce!" posters on this site love to say that like it's oh, so very easy, and they seem to insist that there's never anything at all to salvage in an imperfect marriage. You'll get a LOT of support for divorce here but much less for working things out. You and he have potential to do the latter, based on what you wrote above.

He never even apologized. My GOD.

That sucks, and is bad, but did you actually read, in depth, the post of OP's to which I was responding? I'm thinking you didn't, or didn't bother to absorb the many details she gave about their earlier positive progress, made after his jerkish behaviors. No reason she shouldn't see if those same kinds of discussions should continue, maybe with the help of a counselor or therapist. Yes, he needs to apologize unequivocally for the past behaviors for sure. But "My GOD" doesn't exactly offer OP any ideas about getting there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking about that time when I was 8 months pregnant, and asked my husband to help me zip up my boots, and he refused, saying it would set a bad precedent. Why do these moments live on in my head? Also asked why I couldn’t drive myself to the hospital when I was in labor.

I told DH it was time to go to the hospital- he ran off to take a shower. “I need to be relaxed and ready” as if HE is the one giving birth!!! He also frequently says he could feel everything during labor.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.drpsychmom.com/empathic-ruptures-when-you-cant-forgive-your-partner-for-not-being-there-for-you/

Look into empathic ruptures. My DH pulled similar juvenile shenanigans when I was pregnant/ a new mother and I can’t forgive him. Looking back I shouldn’t have married him, but here we are.

This is a really good article. I like the 4 numbered points. I’ve never seen an apology process laid out in 4 pieces before. I’m terrible at apologies and want to do better. (I see how celebrities mess up public apologies! But I can’t fix my personal ones)

OP here. We did something close to these steps, about 2 years ago. I brought up several occurrences like these that I told him lived on in my mind and I had a hard time forgiving him for. I asked him to let me speak, because normally he interrupts, explains away, or says that it's unhealthy to bring up the past. And he actually sat in silence and listened, and that made a big difference. And then I really do think he was trying to understand and empathize. And he could see that it really hurt me. There was no apology, and he said he was silent because he was trying to really process what I was saying instead of responding. But he did acknowledge that he could see that the way he acted hurt me, and that he couldn't really explain why he acted the way he did. But in order to change, he would have to really shift his entire way of thinking.

It's been better after that. But I guess I have not taken that last step and actually forgiven him.

NP. Why not revisit the steps you used and this time keep going until he reaches an apology and you reach forgiveness? Two years have gone by, and since you felt the need to vent here, you're still clearly not fully better off than you were. If other things in the marriage are OK, and he actually listened two years ago in a way that was new for him, why not keep trying to progress? If there was progress, don't let it stall. I know, young kid(s), work, life, all get in the way and the next thing we know, two years have passed and things are better but still...you're unable to let past things go and he's unable to apologize out loud. You saw him trying to empathize before, so he's not irredeemable, but you'd both have to make the time like you did then. I hope you can, and that it works out. A counselor could be a help, if you and DH can't get back into the groove of talking like you did two years ago.

The knee-jerk "just divorce!" posters on this site love to say that like it's oh, so very easy, and they seem to insist that there's never anything at all to salvage in an imperfect marriage. You'll get a LOT of support for divorce here but much less for working things out. You and he have potential to do the latter, based on what you wrote above.

He never even apologized. My GOD.

Anonymous wrote:Mine was fine during pregnancy, but took the child from me later. The child was his and I just had to find my place somewhere near him not to upset him too much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking about that time when I was 8 months pregnant, and asked my husband to help me zip up my boots, and he refused, saying it would set a bad precedent. Why do these moments live on in my head? Also asked why I couldn’t drive myself to the hospital when I was in labor.

I told DH it was time to go to the hospital- he ran off to take a shower. “I need to be relaxed and ready” as if HE is the one giving birth!!! He also frequently says he could feel everything during labor.

Anonymous wrote:Thinking about that time when I was 8 months pregnant, and asked my husband to help me zip up my boots, and he refused, saying it would set a bad precedent. Why do these moments live on in my head? Also asked why I couldn’t drive myself to the hospital when I was in labor.

Anonymous wrote:He doesn't like you. I'd do those things for a person who I like and isn't even asking.

Anonymous wrote:Seems to me like it sets a good precedent...help zip up the boots, he might get to help unzip something later. But the labor thing is a dealbreaker...sheesh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://www.drpsychmom.com/empathic-ruptures-when-you-cant-forgive-your-partner-for-not-being-there-for-you/

Look into empathic ruptures. My DH pulled similar juvenile shenanigans when I was pregnant/ a new mother and I can’t forgive him. Looking back I shouldn’t have married him, but here we are.

This is a really good article. I like the 4 numbered points. I’ve never seen an apology process laid out in 4 pieces before. I’m terrible at apologies and want to do better. (I see how celebrities mess up public apologies! But I can’t fix my personal ones)

OP here. We did something close to these steps, about 2 years ago. I brought up several occurrences like these that I told him lived on in my mind and I had a hard time forgiving him for. I asked him to let me speak, because normally he interrupts, explains away, or says that it's unhealthy to bring up the past. And he actually sat in silence and listened, and that made a big difference. And then I really do think he was trying to understand and empathize. And he could see that it really hurt me. There was no apology, and he said he was silent because he was trying to really process what I was saying instead of responding. But he did acknowledge that he could see that the way he acted hurt me, and that he couldn't really explain why he acted the way he did. But in order to change, he would have to really shift his entire way of thinking.

It's been better after that. But I guess I have not taken that last step and actually forgiven him.

NP. Why not revisit the steps you used and this time keep going until he reaches an apology and you reach forgiveness? Two years have gone by, and since you felt the need to vent here, you're still clearly not fully better off than you were. If other things in the marriage are OK, and he actually listened two years ago in a way that was new for him, why not keep trying to progress? If there was progress, don't let it stall. I know, young kid(s), work, life, all get in the way and the next thing we know, two years have passed and things are better but still...you're unable to let past things go and he's unable to apologize out loud. You saw him trying to empathize before, so he's not irredeemable, but you'd both have to make the time like you did then. I hope you can, and that it works out. A counselor could be a help, if you and DH can't get back into the groove of talking like you did two years ago.

The knee-jerk "just divorce!" posters on this site love to say that like it's oh, so very easy, and they seem to insist that there's never anything at all to salvage in an imperfect marriage. You'll get a LOT of support for divorce here but much less for working things out. You and he have potential to do the latter, based on what you wrote above.