OP - I feel your post very much. I have one easy and one difficult child. I make lots of mistakes with my difficult child so the MONA perfect moms are not wrong that my parenting contributes. But they have no idea how hard it is to be her parent. It’s easy to be a perfect parent to my other child.

My difficult child though is so super smart, such a strong advocate, observant and insightful about everything. Nothing gets by this child. Someday she will be killing it.

I think you have some good points but it’s not as black and white as you are implying. Yes, every parent is trying their best, but some strategies are just not as effective and every parent has blind spots. I would absolutely rather be alerted to my blind spot than continue to struggle. So, I could turn your same question around and say, why are some parents so insecure and defensive that they assume that feedback is an attack on their parenting?

The best athletes in the world have multiple coaches and specialists who critique their performance every day. Authors have editors. Etc. Nobody is nailing it just through sheer effort, we all benefit from a feedback loop.

I don’t think the ugliness or mean tones are justified but I also don’t believe that every single kid who acts out is simply hopeless and just a harder kid. I’ve seen parents in real life who unknowingly cause or worsen their kids issues, despite the best of intentions!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t know my teen daughter had anxiety and ADHD until she was in high school. Looking back, it’s hard to understand how we missed all the signs, but apparently this isn’t unusual for females who are underdiagnosed. Once she was medicated, things became SO much easier in terms of her emotional reactivity, responses to requests for things she didn’t want to do, etc. All the classic difficulties of ADHD. I now understand why her dad and I struggled the way we did parenting her - even when she was a baby, it was a struggle. It’s kind of frustrating because both DH’s parents and mine couldn’t understand why we couldn’t “control” our child but we learned over time that she was not neurotypical and it was always a losing game to try…I wish I hadn’t put so much pressure on myself as a new mom blaming myself.

What were the signs?

Very hyperactive in the younger years but then it transitioned to daydream/spaciness, forgetting things, difficulty initiating a task or finishing one.

Anonymous wrote:Human nature: People want to attribute success to the decisions they made and blame problems on things beyond their control.

+1. I felt so great about my oldest being so smart and chill. Figured I was doing something right. And now I feel like crap because of how hard I struggle with the little one, and all of her testing, and therapies, and school meetings, and charts, and skipping events and travel. I know logically it's not my fault but society definitely makes me feel that way.

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t know my teen daughter had anxiety and ADHD until she was in high school. Looking back, it’s hard to understand how we missed all the signs, but apparently this isn’t unusual for females who are underdiagnosed. Once she was medicated, things became SO much easier in terms of her emotional reactivity, responses to requests for things she didn’t want to do, etc. All the classic difficulties of ADHD. I now understand why her dad and I struggled the way we did parenting her - even when she was a baby, it was a struggle. It’s kind of frustrating because both DH’s parents and mine couldn’t understand why we couldn’t “control” our child but we learned over time that she was not neurotypical and it was always a losing game to try…I wish I hadn’t put so much pressure on myself as a new mom blaming myself.

There is also this idea that you need to control a child. You don’t need to control a child. You need to learn how that child operates, so that they can learn what they need to do to interact well with others. This takes lots of time and attention, and can be hard if you have multiple kids and not a lot of outside, experienced help.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you had too many kids and not meeting that child's needs.

Troll

Maybe you had too many kids and not meeting that child's needs.

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t know my teen daughter had anxiety and ADHD until she was in high school. Looking back, it’s hard to understand how we missed all the signs, but apparently this isn’t unusual for females who are underdiagnosed. Once she was medicated, things became SO much easier in terms of her emotional reactivity, responses to requests for things she didn’t want to do, etc. All the classic difficulties of ADHD. I now understand why her dad and I struggled the way we did parenting her - even when she was a baby, it was a struggle. It’s kind of frustrating because both DH’s parents and mine couldn’t understand why we couldn’t “control” our child but we learned over time that she was not neurotypical and it was always a losing game to try…I wish I hadn’t put so much pressure on myself as a new mom blaming myself.

What were the signs?

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is hard even if you have an easy kid. So they can't even imagine how much harder it would be with a difficult kid. Because they parent their easy kid and they're still tired and stressed out and figure that's what YOU mean when you say you're tired and stressed out.

They don't realize what we go through just for the bare minimum.

And yeah, second child problems here with an older kid who coasts through life.

Parenting is hard even if you have an easy kid. So they can't even imagine how much harder it would be with a difficult kid. Because they parent their easy kid and they're still tired and stressed out and figure that's what YOU mean when you say you're tired and stressed out.

They don't realize what we go through just for the bare minimum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your problem is having 3 kids. Let me tell you that there is at least one of your kids who feels neglected and this acts out.

No, it’s that parents of 3 of more kids understand that you can parent a group of kids the same way and the results still be highly variable.

This is sooooo true. When I just had one, I credited my parenting wisdom with everything good about him. I'd solved the trick to getting a kid to sleep well, to eliminating picky eating, to avoiding tantrums. Adn then I had my second and.....oh. All kids have their easier and harder parts and phases, it is not magical parenting wisdom that made your kid have the easy parts they have. We can wreck kids and we can improve them on the margins - but its 95% just the way they're born (abuse and major trauma excluded)

Yes, having my second child was a very humbling experience.

Human nature: People want to attribute success to the decisions they made and blame problems on things beyond their control.

OP is totally right. I learned this lesson very early on with twins. I did everything the same (same bath, same food, same temp, same pjs, same room, etc.) and one would be sleeping and one would…not. It was them, not me. I’m glad to have been humbled by knowing this. It has made me less smug and more empathetic toward lots of kids and other families. I only wish the parents of easy, neurotypical children would somehow realize this and have more patience and empathy for me/us. I promise I’ve worked much much harder than many parents only to have a suboptimal, sometimes humiliating results.

I know exactly what you mean OP. I have two kids, one easy, as you describe. I learned that he is what is considered a compliant child, which is what most children are. They still tantrum and have their moments, but at their core, they want to please and comply. Then there is my other kid. I have read many books and he fits the strong willed personality type. I think maybe 10% of people are strong willed? Everything I thought I knew about parenting went out the window. People who don't have a strong willed child just cannot understand. It's like parenting on another plane.

It’s not just parenting—at least half of the responses to posts about anything here are attacking and blaming the OP for being the problem. Or accusing them of being a troll.