Racist, ableist, homophobic, sexist jokes. It was the 80s abs I thought he was so cool. Now my adult kids hate him and call him out

Anonymous wrote:The anger or temper was one thing. My DH dropped a can of paint once while we were dating and got so irate and emotional I should have ran. I had to hold him and calm him down. Didn't think much of it then, but that was a red flag. Also, his mother was just so thankful and grateful that he had found someone, kept saying that she prayed every night for him to find someone. I should have known that was a red flag. Turns out he is on the ASD spectrum the family knew and no one told me. I was so in love I just didn't see the signs. I would say read into how he controls his emotions.

Wow.

Yeah they dont teach symptoms of aspergers or autism anywhere.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His temper

His father (controlling and overbearing). Totally missed this one.

+1

Watch his parents relationship very carefully - how they treat each other, if there is mutual respect, how they handle stressful situations, if they welcome and/or invite unnecessary drama, if they work well together or are not nice to to each other. These are all matters I wish I knew about.

Yes but what I missed was the neglect, passive aggressiveness, chronic cluesslessness, total lack of communication.

They’d put on a show when we visited but truly cannot and do not socialize with anyone. Turns out whole family is high functioning autistic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are happily or decently married what are some red flags you overlooked in your spouse while dating? How old were the two of you?

His sex drive was lower than mine, and he didn't like celebrating holidays. The second one isn't really a red flag that would have kept me from marrying him, but did lead to arguments at holidays every year.

Same here. If I don’t push certain things, even inviting over friends and family or traveling, the kids wouldn’t have much exposure to holidays and we’d be going stir crazy while he sits in his dark man cave rewatching his favorite movies. I saw an orange flag while we were dating but did not understand how difficult it would become once we had kids.

Another red flag I did not pay attention to- self-centeredness, which ties into the issue with holidays. Unless something personally interests him, I have to make it happen. The kids would not participate in any activities if it weren’t for me signing them up and taking them there. It’s an uphill battle. If I don’t remind him that our kids have music lessons at 5 or baseball practice on Saturday morning, they’d miss their activities. He doesn’t give a $&@!

Same exact deadweight here.

I can’t think of ONE (non-self-centered to him) reason he even is in the house.

I guess so he’s not wasting away his kids lives 50% of the time…

Staying with someone so they don't waste away your kid's life 50% of the time is compelling. Therefore, don't have kids if you see red flags. It's truly terrible to be attached to a total dead weight out of devotion to a child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are happily or decently married what are some red flags you overlooked in your spouse while dating? How old were the two of you?

His sex drive was lower than mine, and he didn't like celebrating holidays. The second one isn't really a red flag that would have kept me from marrying him, but did lead to arguments at holidays every year.

Same here. If I don’t push certain things, even inviting over friends and family or traveling, the kids wouldn’t have much exposure to holidays and we’d be going stir crazy while he sits in his dark man cave rewatching his favorite movies. I saw an orange flag while we were dating but did not understand how difficult it would become once we had kids.

Another red flag I did not pay attention to- self-centeredness, which ties into the issue with holidays. Unless something personally interests him, I have to make it happen. The kids would not participate in any activities if it weren’t for me signing them up and taking them there. It’s an uphill battle. If I don’t remind him that our kids have music lessons at 5 or baseball practice on Saturday morning, they’d miss their activities. He doesn’t give a $&@!

Same exact deadweight here.

I can’t think of ONE (non-self-centered to him) reason he even is in the house.

I guess so he’s not wasting away his kids lives 50% of the time…

This, +1, just replace earlier post’s movies with video games. Also add the poster’s situation from the “I miss being in love” thread and you might be better off not getting married (which is what I think to myself sometimes when I hear about my single friends’ laments over not being coupled or married).

On the plus side, I love my kids and we have a comfortable, stable life (I work too, not saying I needed the marriage to be comfortable).

But, I do all the mental labor, organizing (summer camps, activities, scheduling, appointments, play dates, birthday parties, holidays, family events), vacation planning, gift and supply-buying, all of it. Otherwise none of it would happen. He does share responsibility for grocery shopping and cooking. But it’s not what I would have signed up for, had I known this is how it would have turned out. And it seems cruel to upend the kids’ lives so I can feel less resentful and maybe have a fulfilling relationship (in reference to other thread). Oh well.

The anger or temper was one thing. My DH dropped a can of paint once while we were dating and got so irate and emotional I should have ran. I had to hold him and calm him down. Didn't think much of it then, but that was a red flag. Also, his mother was just so thankful and grateful that he had found someone, kept saying that she prayed every night for him to find someone. I should have known that was a red flag. Turns out he is on the ASD spectrum the family knew and no one told me. I was so in love I just didn't see the signs. I would say read into how he controls his emotions.

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you are looking for justification to overlook red flags. Don’t do it.

OP here. I want to make sure I’m not being too picky when dating. This was suggested on another thread. So wondered what types of things other overlooked while dating, but still managed to have a good marriage.

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused by the premise. My expectation is that most happily married people didn’t ignore red flags. I mean, my husband isn’t perfect (nor am I), but there were not any big red flags for either of us to ignore.

I am the first pp and I think what OP is really asking is whether you can see these big problems going into the marriage and still manage to overcome them. In my case, yes, we overcame them, things are good, but sometimes I think to myself “why was everything so damn hard?” I think maybe I could have married someone who didn’t make my life quite so difficult for quite so long. On the other hand, we have such a peaceful life in many ways- financially stable, in agreement over how to spend money, politics, religion, raising kids, our respective families, what kinds of trips and activities to do, etc.

Who the hell knows.

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused by the premise. My expectation is that most happily married people didn’t ignore red flags. I mean, my husband isn’t perfect (nor am I), but there were not any big red flags for either of us to ignore.

Forgot to say, I was 31 and he was 38 when we met.

I’m confused by the premise. My expectation is that most happily married people didn’t ignore red flags. I mean, my husband isn’t perfect (nor am I), but there were not any big red flags for either of us to ignore.

His anger issues and unwillingness to take blame/responsibility for anything. In short, emotional immaturity.

If I knew then what I know now I would have divorced long ago.

Anonymous wrote:His temper

His father (controlling and overbearing). Totally missed this one.

+1

Watch his parents relationship very carefully - how they treat each other, if there is mutual respect, how they handle stressful situations, if they welcome and/or invite unnecessary drama, if they work well together or are not nice to to each other. These are all matters I wish I knew about.

Lies about anything - big or small - are a huge red flag.

Putting me on a pedestal.

Inappropriately early declarations of love.

Substance abuse and mental health in family of origin.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are happily or decently married what are some red flags you overlooked in your spouse while dating? How old were the two of you?

His sex drive was lower than mine, and he didn't like celebrating holidays. The second one isn't really a red flag that would have kept me from marrying him, but did lead to arguments at holidays every year.

Same here. If I don’t push certain things, even inviting over friends and family or traveling, the kids wouldn’t have much exposure to holidays and we’d be going stir crazy while he sits in his dark man cave rewatching his favorite movies. I saw an orange flag while we were dating but did not understand how difficult it would become once we had kids.

Another red flag I did not pay attention to- self-centeredness, which ties into the issue with holidays. Unless something personally interests him, I have to make it happen. The kids would not participate in any activities if it weren’t for me signing them up and taking them there. It’s an uphill battle. If I don’t remind him that our kids have music lessons at 5 or baseball practice on Saturday morning, they’d miss their activities. He doesn’t give a $&@!

Same exact deadweight here.

I can’t think of ONE (non-self-centered to him) reason he even is in the house.

I guess so he’s not wasting away his kids lives 50% of the time…

His temper

His father (controlling and overbearing). Totally missed this one.