Anonymous wrote:The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

You are wrong. Do with that info what you will.

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to invite her, but you don't get to exclude just her

Wrong.

Anonymous wrote:What planet are you on? Why does your 11 year old need to invite all the girls from the class? I seriously doubt your DD is good friends with all of them. The rule is you can invite half of the girls or maybe even 6/10 but you don’t just leave 1 out.

No. There is no “rule.”

A kid who acts like that gets the consequences of her own actions, like not being invited to parties by kids she harasses. Oh well.

The second your exclude her and ONLY her, your daughter has become just as mean as she is. Do with that info what you will.

TBH I’d just have DD do a smaller party (or inviting 1/2 the girls in class or fewer- and adding other non-class friends). I really would not be comfortable excluding ONLY this girl, even at age 11. The girl sounds a bit mean for sure, but have certainly heard far worse. Just isn’t the right thing to do. I think you know this, OP.

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to invite her, but you don't get to exclude just her

So you're saying OP should exclude another girl just so the mean girl doesn't feel bad? That sounds much worse.

If she’s anything like the 5th grade bully in our school, I would definitely not invite her. As in your situation, the parents are super nice but my God they are clueless! They believe that their DD is just “anxious” rather than actively cruel and manipulative. I am all for inclusion but not if it hurts my own kid at her own party.

You say you are friendly with the mom -- I would take a hard look at if you want to stay friendly with her. When my daughter was excluded from a party like this (she's not the mean girl, she's the shy, quiet girl), it really changed my opinion of the birthday girl's mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever I read these kinds of posts, I always wonder why I never had a problem with mean or misbehaving children at my kid's birthday parties?

I am guessing that it is because I always invited the parents too and they kept an eye on their children due to social pressure.

At age 11?

Yes. Indeed.

In fact, as kids became older and did not want the little kids birthdays but instead wanted to take their friends to a restaurant for lunch or dinner, I made sure that a few of their parents were also invited and we sat away from the kids. The presence of parents was enough for most kids to behave well.
YMMV.

Invite the other girls and not the mean girl.

A child who is actively mean to your child does not need to be invited in the name of inclusivity. You invite all the kids of a gender when there are a few kids who just are not friends with a kid but are not mean or cruel to the others. You invite the quirky kids who might be a bit different or socially awkward if you are inviting over half the gender. You do not invite the bully or the kid who is being mean to your child.

A child who is going out of their way to hurt other kids does not need to be included.

what do you mean by "last big party"? 10 girls doesn't seem like a big party. Personally, we stopped inviting the whole class or all the girls in the class after 1st grade. Starting in 2nd, it was "pick 3-5 friends and we'll do something special". By 5th grade, your daughter probably has good friends in other classes and through her extracurriculars, anyway. Let her choose her 5 besties across all of those and do something small. My 5th grader wanted to take 4 friends out to a restaurant last year.

Anonymous wrote:Her party so she gets to decide who to invite. How about next time you have you a party, you invite your husbands side piece to the party? Sound stupid, right? People are pushing being inclusive and I just don’t see that here. I would push my daughter to have a voice and stand up for herself, to not be a push over, to make decisions on her own.

It's possible to do both. I do. My daughter has a bully too, but because she voices her opinions and the girl doesn't come to our parties, even though we invite her

Anonymous wrote:I don't see a problem with inviting all the girls but the bully. Absolutely do not force your child to invite someone who is mean to them. That teaches the wrong lesson. This is your kid's party, and she decides, within reason. Her reasons for leaving one girl out are very good. I would prepare her to respond if the girl asks about it, though, in a kind and honest way.

Agreed. I think if usually you are excluding one or a small number of kids, you'd need to be able to explain it if called out. Unlike a shy/awkward kid, this is a situation where I think you can be frank.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't have to invite her, but you don't get to exclude just her

Why not? I wouldn't feel bad excluding the girls who torment my daughter. Why would they want to come anyway after they take votes on whether or not to let her play with them at recess?

+1 it's also not just her, it's also all the boys. Assuming this is not a single sex school, which I'm assuming it's not because class sizes are not that small afaik.

This. Some kids are having mixed parties in 5th grade. OP’s kid is inviting less than half the class which is fine by DCUM’s rules.

Anonymous wrote:Whenever I read these kinds of posts, I always wonder why I never had a problem with mean or misbehaving children at my kid's birthday parties?

I am guessing that it is because I always invited the parents too and they kept an eye on their children due to social pressure.

At age 11?