Anonymous
12/29/2023 10:41
Subject: Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
Anonymous wrote:<<trigger warning, discussion of marital sexual coercion>>
I’ll try to keep this short and to the point. I’m having a hard time processing, and don’t know what to do or how to move forward here. I’m 38F, I’ve been with my husband for 15 years and married for 10. 3 kids; we just had our third 2 months ago. Our sex life has admittedly been lackluster since then - partially just because of exhaustion, on both of our parts…it’s not like he’s been trying regularly and I’ve been rejecting him over and over. We’ve had sex 5 or 6 times since I gave birth…all at his initiative, admittedly. I think he tried to initiate one other time, and I wasn’t feeling it but we did it the next morning. Honestly I currently have zero drive; I’m nursing and I’m sure that’s a big part of it. Also just very newly postpartum, body feels foreign and I’m not getting enough sleep and I’m stressed and touched out.
All the normal stuff. We’ve never been a SUPER high frequency sex couple either…generally 3-4 times/month, and that’s been the case since very early on in the relationship. I feel like I’m giving way too much background here; just trying to provide some context
Anyways. Last night we went out with my brother & his gf and my sister & her husband. We were all drinking; no one in excess but we all had 3-5 drinks over the course of the whole evening. I wasn’t monitoring, but find it likely that my husband and my sister’s husband were drinking doubles at least the second half of the night, so feasibly more like 8 drinks (over the course of 5-6 hours). My husband held it together most of the night, although by the end of the night when we were all hanging out and chatting it was definitely clear he was under the influence - nothing crazy, he wasn’t sloppy or belligerent…just talking too loudly/animatedly, repeating himself a bit, that kind of thing. He wasn’t (seemingly) much drunker than anyone else or anything. I’ll also note that he doesn’t drink a ton, neither do I - we do drink socially, but currently just have a LOT going on so I’d say both of us have a night where we have 1-2 drinks at home/after dinner once or occasionally twice a week, but beyond that I don’t remember the last time we went OUT and drank, if that makes sense. We’re not big drinkers, as in we just don’t really do it much these days.
So back to last night: by the time everyone parted ways it was pretty late; I went upstairs and got our baby to sleep and got into bed and fell asleep. I was woken up a little bit later by him, trying to pull my pants off. I had a moment of jarred confusion, kind of laughed and pushed him off, but he was super persistent. I told him hey I’m sorry but I’m truly exhausted; I’m really just NOT in the mood, I’m asleep. He persists, keeps trying to clumsily grope me and pull my pants off. Maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone along with it, but honestly I just couldn’t get there mentally…I don’t even think I could stay awake for 5 more minutes. I was just done, and fully asleep. He continued, trying to talk me into it, being really pushy (which is generally out of character) and aggressive. He kept pushing (both with his words and with his hands). I was so tired and eventually I just kind of…gave in. I was lying there saying no, I don’t want to, let’s do it later. The problem is, when I stopped resisting it he just went all in and did it. As I was lying in here telling him: hey stop I don’t want to, I'm sorry but I really don’t feel like doing this right now. I don’t want you to do that. He ignored me and did it anyways, while I just laid there wishing for it to be over so I could fall asleep.
Of course; he finished and then sleep was the last thing I could do. I just laid there feeling so upset and angry. Today I feel even worse…I feel disgust and hatred; I can’t believe he did that, and that I let him. I can’t reconcile being anywhere near him, my body literally feels physical repulsion towards him
What do I do? I’m trying not to overreact but I also think the fact that he just used me for his pleasure while I was so very clearly NOT into it (and was in fact actively telling him I didn’t want to do it) is really bothersome, and i’m having a hard time just shaking it off. We finally had a minute tonight, and when he asked why I was being weird he then claimed he didn’t remember what happened last night. I just feel so crappy and bleh, I don’t even know what to say or think. I wish I could just use logic to tell myself how to feel, but the fact is that I just feel upset at the mere thought of him right now, and I don’t know how to move forward
OP I am very confused about the bolded- you normally have sex 3-4 times a month but you’ve had sex 6 times since the baby was born 2 months ago? How long did you wait after having the baby? You are supposed to wait 6 weeks and you are outpacing your norm. Has something changed? Has DH begun drinking more?
In any event don’t rely on an online forum to decide how you feel about any of this. DCUM will always come to the absolute worst case scenario conclusion about your marriage because that’s the normal reaction to this story without all of the background information about your husband and your relationship. It’s so much more complicated than what you can write in a few paragraphs. You need to see a professional ASAP to sort through everything.
Anonymous
12/29/2023 10:40
Subject: Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
Anonymous wrote:If your husband is capable of raping you, he is capable of harming and abusing your child. He is a violent abuser. He will harm you more, he will harm your child. Get out, get help.
Listen, I agree that what he did was rape. But I don’t agree with your unhelpful hyperbole. This incident doesn’t make her husband more likely to abuse her children and you saying so just adds another layer of confusion, etc. to what OP is trying to process. OP, I’m very sorry for what happened. I can relate to your feelings of trying to determine if your feelings are valid and then figure out the correct action. Like there is a “right way” to handle this. There is no right way. Go to counseling and allow yourself to feel the way you feel. It is okay.
Anonymous
12/29/2023 10:26
Subject: Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
I am so sorry, OP. You should be safe in your marriage and in your home.
Please get help so you don't turn the trauma inward and develop mh or other issues.
It is a very complicated situation and dynamic and in the long term you should ready yourself for divorce and ramp up your career as much as possible.
That your family also drinks so heavily makes me wonder how much of a support system they could/would be for you.
I will pray for you and your kids. Such an adjustment for everyone with a new baby, the holidays, and DH basically just set off a bomb in the middle of the family. So much damage to you and to the family emotional dynamic, and for what? So he could get off? Could have done that himself. Rape is not about sex but about abuse and control.
Please get help so you don't turn the trauma inward and develop mh or other issues.
It is a very complicated situation and dynamic and in the long term you should ready yourself for divorce and ramp up your career as much as possible.
That your family also drinks so heavily makes me wonder how much of a support system they could/would be for you.
I will pray for you and your kids. Such an adjustment for everyone with a new baby, the holidays, and DH basically just set off a bomb in the middle of the family. So much damage to you and to the family emotional dynamic, and for what? So he could get off? Could have done that himself. Rape is not about sex but about abuse and control.
Anonymous
12/29/2023 10:21
Subject: Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
Anonymous wrote:My brother in law used to drink too much too often and he fairly regularly forced himself on my sister. One night she got really angry and kicked him out of the bedroom altogether. Turns out that night he went downstairs climbed into bed with and molested his 13 year old stepdaughter he’d been raising since she was 3 years old. Far as I know it was a one off, but it destroyed my niece she went from being a normal preteen to being textbook sexually abused girl and all the associated reckless behaviors - they didn’t get her any counseling because that would involve eventual law enforcement intervention so they sacrificed my oldest niece to the altar of marital and family preservation. The family is all still together - and everyone is addicted and mentally ill to one degree or another.
I’m not suggesting that any woman has a duty to tolerate unwanted sexual advances from a drunk husband. From my own personal experience and my years of vicarious experience as a victim advocate and prosecutor, I am suggesting that a man who behaves this way about sexual entitlement should be carefully managed and every possible awful thing should be contemplated in the management of such a person. I can’t tell how many shell shocked wives and girlfriends I talked to over the years about the sexual abuse of their kids by a male family member including partners - I’ve lost count. Sexual abuse of kids in the home by their own parent or stepparent or mother’s boyfriend is sadly not at all uncommon and many of those families are not poor and not trash in any other observable ways.
If I were you, OP, I would at minimum insist on a very strict limit on alcohol consumption by the husband for the rest of the marriage. A man who rapes under the influence needs to not be under the influence, period.
I could not agree more with this PP and your husband is, in fact, a rapist- whether he remembers it or not. If he committed murder while drunk and didnt remember, he would still be a murderer. His entitlement to your body is astounding. My spouse can also get a bit handsy, especially at night, and he may push a bit because I may wake up in the mood but the moment, I say no or stop, its over. You repeatedly said no or stop. You tried to physically stop him and he continued.
Anonymous
12/29/2023 10:18
Subject: Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
I’m so sorry OP. I’m no expert, if you don’t want to talk to a friend or family about this please talk to a therapist. I didn’t acknowledge that l was sexually abused for many years, just kept it hidden away like it didn’t happen, but then l started having flashbacks and nightmares. It’s a good step that you posted here and acknowledge that it bothered you a lot and it actually happened. So l do suggest getting therapy for you, and then your husband needs to know it can never happen again, this could easily destroy your marriage.
Anonymous
12/29/2023 10:12
Subject: Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
OP, I am very sorry that happened to you.
Do you work?
You aren't even supposed to have sex for 6 weeks, is he aware of that?
5-8 drinks is binge drinking. Who drove home? I would not socialize out with those couples with that kind of hard drinking pattern. I worry that if you don't deal with the trauma feelings you may be vulnerable to drinking yourself since your close support system are drinkers.
You can try to compartmentalize, as you said, but may drink, develop anxiety, an ED, etc. as a means to cope. You can divorce, if financially and logistically able to do so, now or later. You can attempt to process on your own with a therapist and then separately with DH with the help of a counselor with experience with abuse/dv dynamics. Then, you could possibly try to rebuild trust, as you might after an affair. In a sense this is worse because your body will be having a physical trauma reaction too, double whammy.
Has DH seemed controlling or not to listen to you in the past? Does he have a history of abuse/childhood trauma and/or alcoholism in his family? Do you?
This hotline is safe to talk to and may be able to recommend resources. https://www.thehotline.org/
If you are in VA or DC you could try The Women's Center for resources. The DC Rape Crisis Center used to offer free counseling. If in MD, perhaps others may be aware of resources.
That he does not seem all that concerned is not the best sign.
Do you work?
You aren't even supposed to have sex for 6 weeks, is he aware of that?
5-8 drinks is binge drinking. Who drove home? I would not socialize out with those couples with that kind of hard drinking pattern. I worry that if you don't deal with the trauma feelings you may be vulnerable to drinking yourself since your close support system are drinkers.
You can try to compartmentalize, as you said, but may drink, develop anxiety, an ED, etc. as a means to cope. You can divorce, if financially and logistically able to do so, now or later. You can attempt to process on your own with a therapist and then separately with DH with the help of a counselor with experience with abuse/dv dynamics. Then, you could possibly try to rebuild trust, as you might after an affair. In a sense this is worse because your body will be having a physical trauma reaction too, double whammy.
Has DH seemed controlling or not to listen to you in the past? Does he have a history of abuse/childhood trauma and/or alcoholism in his family? Do you?
This hotline is safe to talk to and may be able to recommend resources. https://www.thehotline.org/
If you are in VA or DC you could try The Women's Center for resources. The DC Rape Crisis Center used to offer free counseling. If in MD, perhaps others may be aware of resources.
That he does not seem all that concerned is not the best sign.
Anonymous
12/29/2023 10:10
Subject: Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
I wouldn’t even know how to feel. On the one hand this isn’t some creep from off the street this is someone you’ve known since 22? And someone who will be there to take care of any baby that would or could result from the act.
Alcohol involved. Yeah he has to stop drinking immediately. You can let him know that it was terrifying.
Rape. That’s actual rape. No getting around that. Sounds like you need to send him to his parents a while. Some conversations need to be had about what it means when you say no and what you are going through post partum.
This is a minefield
Alcohol involved. Yeah he has to stop drinking immediately. You can let him know that it was terrifying.
Rape. That’s actual rape. No getting around that. Sounds like you need to send him to his parents a while. Some conversations need to be had about what it means when you say no and what you are going through post partum.
This is a minefield
Anonymous
12/29/2023 10:09
Subject: Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
My brother in law used to drink too much too often and he fairly regularly forced himself on my sister. One night she got really angry and kicked him out of the bedroom altogether. Turns out that night he went downstairs climbed into bed with and molested his 13 year old stepdaughter he’d been raising since she was 3 years old. Far as I know it was a one off, but it destroyed my niece she went from being a normal preteen to being textbook sexually abused girl and all the associated reckless behaviors - they didn’t get her any counseling because that would involve eventual law enforcement intervention so they sacrificed my oldest niece to the altar of marital and family preservation. The family is all still together - and everyone is addicted and mentally ill to one degree or another.
I’m not suggesting that any woman has a duty to tolerate unwanted sexual advances from a drunk husband. From my own personal experience and my years of vicarious experience as a victim advocate and prosecutor, I am suggesting that a man who behaves this way about sexual entitlement should be carefully managed and every possible awful thing should be contemplated in the management of such a person. I can’t tell how many shell shocked wives and girlfriends I talked to over the years about the sexual abuse of their kids by a male family member including partners - I’ve lost count. Sexual abuse of kids in the home by their own parent or stepparent or mother’s boyfriend is sadly not at all uncommon and many of those families are not poor and not trash in any other observable ways.
If I were you, OP, I would at minimum insist on a very strict limit on alcohol consumption by the husband for the rest of the marriage. A man who rapes under the influence needs to not be under the influence, period.
I’m not suggesting that any woman has a duty to tolerate unwanted sexual advances from a drunk husband. From my own personal experience and my years of vicarious experience as a victim advocate and prosecutor, I am suggesting that a man who behaves this way about sexual entitlement should be carefully managed and every possible awful thing should be contemplated in the management of such a person. I can’t tell how many shell shocked wives and girlfriends I talked to over the years about the sexual abuse of their kids by a male family member including partners - I’ve lost count. Sexual abuse of kids in the home by their own parent or stepparent or mother’s boyfriend is sadly not at all uncommon and many of those families are not poor and not trash in any other observable ways.
If I were you, OP, I would at minimum insist on a very strict limit on alcohol consumption by the husband for the rest of the marriage. A man who rapes under the influence needs to not be under the influence, period.
Anonymous
12/29/2023 10:02
Subject: Re:Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP my DH has done this too, more than once, and not even drunk. I'm going to be honest, I don't quite see it as rape. I truly believe he felt that I would get into it if he kept going, because husbands definitely know that there are times that their wives are not into it but they changed once things get going. On these occasions, I would definitely be saying no and pushing him away,, and he just kept going. I didn't get into it, and I did just lay there and feel gross afterwards. But sometimes I haven't been in the mood, and he has initiated things and then I have gotten into it. So it's complicated. I don't feel traumatized by this or even really very bothered by it. I guess posters will say that I am suppressing feelings but I don't think that I am, I think it's just complicated. I can guarantee you that if a stranger did this I would feel completely differently
You two have a different understanding and dynamic than OP and her DH. You should most definitely have a safe word which means “No, stop right now” and he should back off immediately when he hears this word. You need to have a way to stop him verbally. Please don’t remove this option for yourself.
OP, I am so sorry this happened. I agree with all the advice that you both need to work this out with a therapist and your DH has a lot of work to do to understand his own sexuality, yours, and how you can come out of this with a healthy dynamic.
I'm the PP you quoted. I agree with you, I probably have a different dynamic and understanding than OP. Thanks for your thoughtful response
Anonymous
12/29/2023 09:48
Subject: Re:Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
So sorry for you.
Please call a hotline, talk to a friend, sister so you dont feel alone.
If you stay with him, he has to agree to be done drinking. And he has to hear you. Maybe print out your post and let him read it, tell him you had to write down to process, you dont have to tell him you posted on an online forum, I would be afraid of his reaction to that.
But NO MORE DRINKING. That should be non negotiable.
Please call a hotline, talk to a friend, sister so you dont feel alone.
If you stay with him, he has to agree to be done drinking. And he has to hear you. Maybe print out your post and let him read it, tell him you had to write down to process, you dont have to tell him you posted on an online forum, I would be afraid of his reaction to that.
But NO MORE DRINKING. That should be non negotiable.
Anonymous
12/29/2023 09:48
Subject: Re:Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
Anonymous wrote:OP my DH has done this too, more than once, and not even drunk. I'm going to be honest, I don't quite see it as rape. I truly believe he felt that I would get into it if he kept going, because husbands definitely know that there are times that their wives are not into it but they changed once things get going. On these occasions, I would definitely be saying no and pushing him away,, and he just kept going. I didn't get into it, and I did just lay there and feel gross afterwards. But sometimes I haven't been in the mood, and he has initiated things and then I have gotten into it. So it's complicated. I don't feel traumatized by this or even really very bothered by it. I guess posters will say that I am suppressing feelings but I don't think that I am, I think it's just complicated. I can guarantee you that if a stranger did this I would feel completely differently
You two have a different understanding and dynamic than OP and her DH. You should most definitely have a safe word which means “No, stop right now” and he should back off immediately when he hears this word. You need to have a way to stop him verbally. Please don’t remove this option for yourself.
OP, I am so sorry this happened. I agree with all the advice that you both need to work this out with a therapist and your DH has a lot of work to do to understand his own sexuality, yours, and how you can come out of this with a healthy dynamic.
Anonymous
12/29/2023 09:43
Subject: Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
This happened to me when I said I did not want a baby (and we agreed no kids). He knew exactly what he was doing. I divorced 10 years later. I am sorry.
Anonymous
12/29/2023 09:37
Subject: Re:Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
OP my DH has done this too, more than once, and not even drunk. I'm going to be honest, I don't quite see it as rape. I truly believe he felt that I would get into it if he kept going, because husbands definitely know that there are times that their wives are not into it but they changed once things get going. On these occasions, I would definitely be saying no and pushing him away,, and he just kept going. I didn't get into it, and I did just lay there and feel gross afterwards. But sometimes I haven't been in the mood, and he has initiated things and then I have gotten into it. So it's complicated. I don't feel traumatized by this or even really very bothered by it. I guess posters will say that I am suppressing feelings but I don't think that I am, I think it's just complicated. I can guarantee you that if a stranger did this I would feel completely differently
Anonymous
12/29/2023 09:15
Subject: Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
Everything everyone else said.
But please also....there is no need for you to defend why you haven't had much sex since having a baby TWO months ago. You're not even supposed to at all for 6 weeks while your body heals. And I never wanted to as long as I was nursing. You don't own anyone an explanation. None of that matters as a reason for his actions.
But please also....there is no need for you to defend why you haven't had much sex since having a baby TWO months ago. You're not even supposed to at all for 6 weeks while your body heals. And I never wanted to as long as I was nursing. You don't own anyone an explanation. None of that matters as a reason for his actions.
Anonymous
12/29/2023 09:04
Subject: Not sure how to feel about this (trigger warning)
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Omg I am so so sorry. You are not overreacting. I wish you could imagine seeing this from an outside perspective. One law enforcement officer said that rape is the most violent thing you can do to a person aside from murder. I am sure that you would think that almost no reaction of someone who had gone through this was an overreaction. Not even calling the cops and getting him locked up (which is frankly what he deserves).
Agree you should take to a counselor ASAP. You could even consider a hotline. Maybe talk to your mom or a friend and don’t for a second try to not do so out of a fear of protecting his reputation.
OP here - thank you to everyone who has weighed in. Ugh I just don’t even want to deal with this…I half feel an urgent to try to compartmentalize, and half and urge to do what you mentioned above (bolded) about talking about it with a trusted friend. I’m having a hard time just going through the motions of acting normal, and I’m surprised by the rushes of anger I feel towards him. However, I’m worried I’d regret it - assuming I do somehow work past this, that would presumably (significantly?) change their view of him and affect things forever, and I’m having a hard time sorting out if that’s okay at this point
Thats his fault though. His reprehensible (and criminal) have already affected things forever.
If you don’t feel like you can deal with that, you should at least do your best to find support for other things, like taking care of the kids, washing dishes, cooking, etc. Hopefully you’ve got a support system but you can’t be expect to handle all the tasks you did before.