Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 23:13     Subject: Re:My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Op - can you give an example of how they are “ripping on you” Asking for a second opinion is valid. There is nothing wrong with saying “Layla thinks we should get a house with one bathroom, but I feel like we need two, what do you think”. Versus “Layla is giving us crazy advice, like always”

You may be reading more into the texts because you already feel like your parents like your brother more.

If the texts are truly insults, I fully support suggesting they move near your brother.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 23:08     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?


And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.


Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?


Give it a rest. This was for the best.


Not really answering, right?

You are saying that sometimes looking at people's communications without consent can be a good thing? So we should do it to learn more about the people in our lives?


I look at everything and it has served me well in life. Full access.


PP here, and I am sincerely fascinated by this take. So basically, you do not "respect privacy"? If you ever have the opportunity to look at spouse/family member/friend/child communications with other, whether email text or phone, you take it?


Privacy is an illusion that I don’t care about. I can get full access to any information that I want. The truth is out there.


Interesting. Do you apply this to yourself as well? Never expect anything in your own life to be private?

If so, I assume that if we could identify you in this thread, and then tell everyone in your life that all of your communications with them would be made public, that would be cool with you? Even if somebody made them public by publishing all of your text messages, that would be unobjectionable?

DP. Why do you have your panties in such a bunch? Do you write nasty things about one of your kids behind their backs and this hits too close to the bone?


My panties are not in a bunch.
I do, not infrequently, say things about my kids to my spouse, and occasionally my close friends, that I would not want my kid to read.

I was also interested in PP’s “privacy is an illusion” and “access to all”. So I asked follow ups.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 23:05     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Do you want them to move near you so you can help provide care and “ prove” you are worthy of the same care and love they treat your brother? If yes, it is absolutely certain that no matter how awesome you treat them it will never work out how you want it to.



Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:53     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?


And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.


Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?


Give it a rest. This was for the best.


Not really answering, right?

You are saying that sometimes looking at people's communications without consent can be a good thing? So we should do it to learn more about the people in our lives?


I look at everything and it has served me well in life. Full access.


PP here, and I am sincerely fascinated by this take. So basically, you do not "respect privacy"? If you ever have the opportunity to look at spouse/family member/friend/child communications with other, whether email text or phone, you take it?


Privacy is an illusion that I don’t care about. I can get full access to any information that I want. The truth is out there.


Interesting. Do you apply this to yourself as well? Never expect anything in your own life to be private?

If so, I assume that if we could identify you in this thread, and then tell everyone in your life that all of your communications with them would be made public, that would be cool with you? Even if somebody made them public by publishing all of your text messages, that would be unobjectionable?

DP. Why do you have your panties in such a bunch? Do you write nasty things about one of your kids behind their backs and this hits too close to the bone?
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:51     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?


And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.


Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?


Give it a rest. This was for the best.


Not really answering, right?

You are saying that sometimes looking at people's communications without consent can be a good thing? So we should do it to learn more about the people in our lives?

If it gives you clarity like it did to the OP then ignorance isn’t always bliss. Good for her.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:51     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?


And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.


Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?


Give it a rest. This was for the best.


Not really answering, right?

You are saying that sometimes looking at people's communications without consent can be a good thing? So we should do it to learn more about the people in our lives?


I look at everything and it has served me well in life. Full access.


PP here, and I am sincerely fascinated by this take. So basically, you do not "respect privacy"? If you ever have the opportunity to look at spouse/family member/friend/child communications with other, whether email text or phone, you take it?


Privacy is an illusion that I don’t care about. I can get full access to any information that I want. The truth is out there.


Interesting. Do you apply this to yourself as well? Never expect anything in your own life to be private?

If so, I assume that if we could identify you in this thread, and then tell everyone in your life that all of your communications with them would be made public, that would be cool with you? Even if somebody made them public by publishing all of your text messages, that would be unobjectionable?
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:41     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?


And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.


Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?


Give it a rest. This was for the best.


Not really answering, right?

You are saying that sometimes looking at people's communications without consent can be a good thing? So we should do it to learn more about the people in our lives?


I look at everything and it has served me well in life. Full access.


PP here, and I am sincerely fascinated by this take. So basically, you do not "respect privacy"? If you ever have the opportunity to look at spouse/family member/friend/child communications with other, whether email text or phone, you take it?


Privacy is an illusion that I don’t care about. I can get full access to any information that I want. The truth is out there.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:38     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?


And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.


Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?


Give it a rest. This was for the best.


Not really answering, right?

You are saying that sometimes looking at people's communications without consent can be a good thing? So we should do it to learn more about the people in our lives?


I look at everything and it has served me well in life. Full access.


PP here, and I am sincerely fascinated by this take. So basically, you do not "respect privacy"? If you ever have the opportunity to look at spouse/family member/friend/child communications with other, whether email text or phone, you take it?
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:34     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
AND
Familiarity breeds contempt.

The caregiving children are generally the most obedient, compliant ones and as a result, leave themselves open to all sorts of hectoring and criticism from their parents that the non-caregiving children, the ones with a more independent streak, would never tolerate. The parents feel they can abuse the caregiving, helpful ones, and they feel they have to ingratiate themselves with their more independent kids to receive help from them.

My husband is the golden child who lives abroad, far away from his family. My MIL worships him. She complains about her two other sons to him. Mind you, one of those two used to live with her and help her day in, day out, with her meds, and help her on walks, manage her appointments and therapy, etc... and that is exactly the one who gets criticized the most!

I've seen it in my own family too, OP. The one who is closest, most dutiful and submissive gets the bad rap (my aunts), and the one who swoops in to visit every few years is welcomed home like the prodigal son (my father).

So.

If they want to live near you, or with you, DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN. On the contrary, please do your utmost to disengage and let your parent live close to the golden child. Let's see how they get on...




So, if OP were your BIL, of BIL's spouse, you would advocate that your MIL move closer to you?


No, I'm selfish and I don't want to suffer the same fate as my BIL and his wife! Also, they live in a country where care is cheaper, so my MIL is definitely better looked after there than in the US. In our home country, she can afford round the clock care in her own home. Here, her quality of life would be much degraded.

But since OP is not them, I can lay aside any partiality and advise her on the merits.


Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:30     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
This was a gift. It took me 8 years of helping my parents to realize my mom did not appreciate anything I did and was badmouthing me to siblings. Discourage them from moving near you. They need to be near him. It is almost cliche, the person who is there for the elderly the most is treated the worst. Be the one who swoops in now and then and they are thrilled to see you.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:29     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?


And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.


Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?


Give it a rest. This was for the best.


Not really answering, right?

You are saying that sometimes looking at people's communications without consent can be a good thing? So we should do it to learn more about the people in our lives?


I look at everything and it has served me well in life. Full access.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:29     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:OP, if this is in keeping with how you have been treated with them, then do not encourage them to move near you. Start talking about how you and your spouse might be moving for work. Encourage them to move near your brother. Don’t get stuck with elder care for people who don’t care enough for you.


This is so smooth and elegant. Momma won’t see it coming.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:26     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?


And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.


Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?


Give it a rest. This was for the best.


Not really answering, right?

You are saying that sometimes looking at people's communications without consent can be a good thing? So we should do it to learn more about the people in our lives?
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:25     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
AND
Familiarity breeds contempt.

The caregiving children are generally the most obedient, compliant ones and as a result, leave themselves open to all sorts of hectoring and criticism from their parents that the non-caregiving children, the ones with a more independent streak, would never tolerate. The parents feel they can abuse the caregiving, helpful ones, and they feel they have to ingratiate themselves with their more independent kids to receive help from them.

My husband is the golden child who lives abroad, far away from his family. My MIL worships him. She complains about her two other sons to him. Mind you, one of those two used to live with her and help her day in, day out, with her meds, and help her on walks, manage her appointments and therapy, etc... and that is exactly the one who gets criticized the most!

I've seen it in my own family too, OP. The one who is closest, most dutiful and submissive gets the bad rap (my aunts), and the one who swoops in to visit every few years is welcomed home like the prodigal son (my father).

So.

If they want to live near you, or with you, DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN. On the contrary, please do your utmost to disengage and let your parent live close to the golden child. Let's see how they get on...




So, if OP were your BIL, of BIL's spouse, you would advocate that your MIL move closer to you?
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 22:24     Subject: My moms text to brother seem like slap on face
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You were .... snooping on your mom's phone? Are you 12?


And thank goodness she did.
OP, this will help you avoid years of frustration.


Do you advise that people in general look at messages that were not intended for them?
Can you think of a single time you have sent a text that you would not want someone else to see?


Give it a rest. This was for the best.