Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 16:27     Subject: Who initiates?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I almost never initiate. Once, literally years ago, my now husband chastised me for initiating and told me he isn’t just “always ready to go” and I will never really get over it. I’ve told him that’s the reason that I don’t initiate and he was very upset, but I can’t change how it impacted my willingness to make a move. It made me feel awful.


Similar dynamic here. Once very early on in our marriage I excitedly told him that I had (somewhat uncharacteristically) ordered us a sex toy and massage oil to try out - and the way he responded was with disgust and made me feel ashamed. I’ve never been able to forget that feeling


If I did that my husband would die and go to heaven!
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 16:12     Subject: Who initiates?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I almost never initiate. Once, literally years ago, my now husband chastised me for initiating and told me he isn’t just “always ready to go” and I will never really get over it. I’ve told him that’s the reason that I don’t initiate and he was very upset, but I can’t change how it impacted my willingness to make a move. It made me feel awful.


Similar dynamic here. Once very early on in our marriage I excitedly told him that I had (somewhat uncharacteristically) ordered us a sex toy and massage oil to try out - and the way he responded was with disgust and made me feel ashamed. I’ve never been able to forget that feeling


I feel this! I don’t like rejection like you describe so almost never suggest anything new. It’s too painful. Knowing this, I don’t ever reject any advances (not that I’ve been asked to do anything really out there) even if it’s not something I want to do.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 14:29     Subject: Who initiates?
Anonymous wrote:I almost never initiate. Once, literally years ago, my now husband chastised me for initiating and told me he isn’t just “always ready to go” and I will never really get over it. I’ve told him that’s the reason that I don’t initiate and he was very upset, but I can’t change how it impacted my willingness to make a move. It made me feel awful.


Similar dynamic here. Once very early on in our marriage I excitedly told him that I had (somewhat uncharacteristically) ordered us a sex toy and massage oil to try out - and the way he responded was with disgust and made me feel ashamed. I’ve never been able to forget that feeling
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 14:27     Subject: Who initiates?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have finally gotten into a rhythm of discussing in advance, "can we have date night tonight/tomorrow"? then we can each get mentally/emotionally in sync. A "date night" is our euphemism for sex and means a glass of wine or two - either at home or out somewhere, then mutual initiation.


We do this too but then she always find a reason not to follow through. Could be a few days of pushing off, basically until it’s been so long that she feels guilty and follows through. It’s highly frustrating and leads to greater agitation on my part than if she didn’t say anything to being with.


This sucks for her too though! It sounds like she genuinely wants to want to
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 14:22     Subject: Who initiates?
Anonymous wrote:We have finally gotten into a rhythm of discussing in advance, "can we have date night tonight/tomorrow"? then we can each get mentally/emotionally in sync. A "date night" is our euphemism for sex and means a glass of wine or two - either at home or out somewhere, then mutual initiation.


This is us to a T. Planting the seed in the morning helps me get in the right place by early evening. At around ten I’ll head to the shower and he soon follows. Even if it’s been a crazy day it helps me keep my eye on the prize.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 13:14     Subject: Who initiates?
I almost never initiate. Once, literally years ago, my now husband chastised me for initiating and told me he isn’t just “always ready to go” and I will never really get over it. I’ve told him that’s the reason that I don’t initiate and he was very upset, but I can’t change how it impacted my willingness to make a move. It made me feel awful.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 12:35     Subject: Who initiates?
It depends less on me and more on my partner. if she has the higher libido, I don’t initiate much but never reject, and the increased sex is fun. if she has the lower libido, I do most of the initiating but often find myself rejected. I wish I could find a balance where we were better matched and each of us would initiate 50/50 and rarely reject the other.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 12:15     Subject: Who initiates?
Anonymous wrote:We have finally gotten into a rhythm of discussing in advance, "can we have date night tonight/tomorrow"? then we can each get mentally/emotionally in sync. A "date night" is our euphemism for sex and means a glass of wine or two - either at home or out somewhere, then mutual initiation.


We do this too but then she always find a reason not to follow through. Could be a few days of pushing off, basically until it’s been so long that she feels guilty and follows through. It’s highly frustrating and leads to greater agitation on my part than if she didn’t say anything to being with.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 11:47     Subject: Who initiates?
She and I had this discussion...when I initiate there's a pretty significant chance she says no...while when she initiates I very rarely say no. So she usually initiates.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 11:34     Subject: Who initiates?
We have finally gotten into a rhythm of discussing in advance, "can we have date night tonight/tomorrow"? then we can each get mentally/emotionally in sync. A "date night" is our euphemism for sex and means a glass of wine or two - either at home or out somewhere, then mutual initiation.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 11:16     Subject: Who initiates?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She does 90%. Which means it almost never happens. I used to initiate about 90% of the time, but then most of those initiations started getting rejected. (During one stretch, I counted 9 out of my 10 attempts were turned down.)

Curious what your attempts were like. Maybe you were doing it right, but maybe, like DH, you were rolling over at 11pm after a long day where we did nothing to connect, and making a crass and unfunny joke while you grabbed my tit.


They ran the range. Some were admittedly low effort because if you’re most likely going to get rejected no matter what, the rejection stings less if you haven’t put much into it.

But other times were quality efforts - after a fun night out or what have you. Nothing made a difference. A big issue is that she has body image issues so she has to be feeling it pretty strongly - which is why she mostly has to be the one to initiate.
Anonymous
Post 12/25/2023 10:51     Subject: Who initiates?
I do… I’m a horny middle aged woman and need it!
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 20:01     Subject: Re:Who initiates?
Anonymous wrote:Moms often complain that their work is never done, that they have to carry the mental load, and that they often feel guilt that some area of their responsibility is being neglected. For most of them, I don’t think that beating themselves up for not initiating more is high on their lists of favorite guilt trips.

Ladies, your platonic roommate marriages are just so close to the breaking point, if you only knew. It may take some other precipitating situation to push him over the edge, but your clear-eyed husband will see that walking away from a roommate situation is not like giving up on a real marriage.


I walked away from my roommate marriage and I'm a woman. He wanted sex but did nothing in terms of romance or foreplay.
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 20:00     Subject: Who initiates?
Anonymous wrote:I once asked DW why she doesn't initiate. She said it was because once when she was pregnant, after we had sex and fell asleep, she half woke up and initiated a second round , and when I commented on it (approvingly) the next day, (trying to communicate and encouraging), thinking about being sexualadr.her feel shamed.
She also says she doesn't like trying new things for her enjoyment beyond super vanilla Catholic procreation style, because, as she explains, "every time" I try (only about once a year) she feels awkward as soon as I start leading into doing it, immediately pushes me away. (Coincidentally, our kid only eats chicken nuggets and pizza type foods because she doesn't want DC to feel uncomfortable trying new foods.)

I realized that the stereotypical conventional wisdom about couples and sex is conventional wisdom for a reason, despite the loud protestations of some people who claim to be lifelong enthusiasts and who claim that women only dislike sex when men are selfish and lazy.




So everything you just said points to socialization and cultural norms being reasons why some women might not want sex or try new things. Yet are acting like a stereotypical man and not doing anything to help your wife become aware of these things or find ways to become comfortable (therapy).
Anonymous
Post 12/24/2023 19:32     Subject: Who initiates?
I'm sure no doubt the man, since men are still always the ones to ask the woman out and the ones to court women and do the pursuing