I took my 2yr old to our next door neighbor's funeral (partly because I had no childcare). And I took our 3yo and 5yo to my dad's funeral. And we visit our family and relatives at the cemetery together. We have buried a family pet together (not a dog or cat). I have received judgments for doing these things and so there have been times I've second guessed my decisions, but in the long run I absolutely have no regrets.

They are bright and curious and deal with some anxiety, so we have navigated a lot of questions. But we are pretty forthright about death as a natural part of life, and while they have gone through some periods at a younger age where it seemed like they worried too much about death/dying - I think it was ultimately part of them processing their feelings about it and they are now pretty secure and mature about their perspectives on it (at age 8 and 10).

Also, I do believe it's quite developmentally normal and natural for children to start worrying about death and having lots of questions about it around age 5-7. That's when they start to really understand that people don't ever come back after they die.

At the same time, I think you should know your kids and know what they can handle at what time. And I don't think you should force your children to do something they clearly do not want to do. But I think it's important to have open conversations about it to help them process their feelings about it and not treat it as a taboo subject that is scary and mysterious. At age 7, I think they can have a bit of say as to whether they want to attend the funeral or not.

Anonymous wrote:I would take her. If it's open casket and she doesn't want to look, no problem. If she needs to bring a coloring book to occupy herself, no problem. If she needs to step away for a little, no problem. But there are other things to shelter a 7 yr old from. She needs to learn that she's not the only person who struggles with grief, we all do, and funerals are for helping each other through it.

This, exactly.

I would take her. If it's open casket and she doesn't want to look, no problem. If she needs to bring a coloring book to occupy herself, no problem. If she needs to step away for a little, no problem. But there are other things to shelter a 7 yr old from. She needs to learn that she's not the only person who struggles with grief, we all do, and funerals are for helping each other through it.

Funerals help process the loss- it why we (and elephants) have them. They are helpful, so your daughter should go and step outside/away if needed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:7 yo should be sheltered. I would make it her choice but given when you wrote, she will probably choose not to attend. Great, she knows her boundaries. She might sorority you and choose to go.

Surprise! Not sorority

Wut

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask her and let her decide. Better she remember grandma living than dead.

Nope. She goes to the funeral. If it’s too much, you can take her outside. But honestly, it will probably lighten the mood to have her there. Teach her to show up for people. Plenty of adults don’t make themselves go through uncomfortable things because they were always given the choice.

Why? Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If she's not comfortable, she doesn't need to go. This isn't an adult. She doesn't need to show up for people, she needs to do what's best for her. She's a child. If you need emotional support, bring your therapist.

Agree. I wouldn’t make her go. I hate funerals and rarely go. The only ones I go to is if I feel my presence will provide the closest family members comfort. Otherwise, pass. They aren’t comfortable for me. I don’t need to see someone dead in a box to move on

OP this poster is an example of the adult you do not want your child to grow up to be. Self-centered, concerned about her own comfort and in denial about her own mortality.

Anonymous wrote:Ask her and let her decide. Better she remember grandma living than dead.

Do not do this. Be a parent. You know better than she does what she needs to mature into a compassionate adult.

Your DH is right.

The activity bag gives her some control, which I think she's needing/will need. And gives her some things to share and talk about to help interact with the adults. Not what you asked, but other people usually love having kids there. Obviously take her out if truly disruptive, but crying is normal.

As someone else said, she's already experienced the death. Has anyone asked her what she wants to do?

My then five/six now seven year old had a grandparent, great grandparent she was very close to and a classmate die in less than a year. She saw one on hospice the day before and went to all of their services, which were 2 non-traditional memorials, one where ashes were there, a funeral, and a graveside service. No open caskets so that didn't come up.

She wanted to go to them all. I made her a photo album, which she took with her and I think it really helps and still helps. She draws and makes Play-Doh figures of her friend still. She cared about these people and these things help her process the losses.

I would talk to her about what will happen and why people go but give her a lot of choices. For me going is the default. You can pack her an activity bag. Stuffed animal or special blanket, photo album, blank journal and colored pencils, lots of books, quiet toys, stickers. It also might help her to make cards for others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask her and let her decide. Better she remember grandma living than dead.

Nope. She goes to the funeral. If it’s too much, you can take her outside. But honestly, it will probably lighten the mood to have her there. Teach her to show up for people. Plenty of adults don’t make themselves go through uncomfortable things because they were always given the choice.

Why? Funerals are for the living, not the dead. If she's not comfortable, she doesn't need to go. This isn't an adult. She doesn't need to show up for people, she needs to do what's best for her. She's a child. If you need emotional support, bring your therapist.

Agree. I wouldn’t make her go. I hate funerals and rarely go. The only ones I go to is if I feel my presence will provide the closest family members comfort. Otherwise, pass. They aren’t comfortable for me. I don’t need to see someone dead in a box to move on

It’s cultural. In my culture you go to funerals as a baby on up. Helped me tremendously to understand death and grieving esp now as a doctor.

Anonymous wrote:7 yo should be sheltered. I would make it her choice but given when you wrote, she will probably choose not to attend. Great, she knows her boundaries. She might sorority you and choose to go.

Surprise! Not sorority

7 yo should be sheltered. I would make it her choice but given when you wrote, she will probably choose not to attend. Great, she knows her boundaries. She might sorority you and choose to go.

Anonymous wrote:Not going may prolong her distress. Its OK for her to be sad. The whole purpose of a funeral ritual is to process it as a community and for children to learn by be a part of it. Children have been attending funerals of loved ones for centuries.

+1

Just step outside if she gets distressed.

I would be asking my husband how he plans to handle it if she starts crying hysterically? Is he going to exit this event with her and hug/comfort her? Is he going to let her lay on the floor prostrate with grief in front of everyone? Are you taking two cars so you can exit more quickly with her?

I’m all for kids at funerals. But it might not be right for this particular kid at this particular time.

My 10 year old became unexpectedly hysterical with grief at my FIL’s funeral. She had been to prior funerals with no issues. It was huge distraction that my husband didn’t need. And I was happy to essentially “handle it.” But I actually still think it only made things more difficult for my husband. I really wish we had two cars — we were in a super rural area with no taxi or Uber. It was hard because my husband’s expectation was to be the last person there with his mom. It was a LONG TIME for a kid that was so very upset.