Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always a terrible time for kids to get divorced, but sometimes it's still the best decision. This seems like one of those times. I'm sorry, OP.

+1. I sometimes reframe things to think about what I’d want my daughter to do in a the same situation. Would I want her to accept her husband treating her this way? It’s surprising how much bad behavior I’ll put up with but would not want my daughter to.

OP Yes - Exactly!! I have this thought on a daily basis. If my daughter was in my shoes, I would have told her to run in the other direction.

To the poster that says to split time in the house as I need time and space to heal, I've had this conversation with him. He understood and agreed to go into an office (he has one nearby that is an option).However that lasted a few days and he's slipped back into his comfort zone of working from home nearly every day. It's so hard seeing him carry on in the house everyday as if nothing ever happened and his life is just great.

Although I've agreed to try to stay together for the kids, every day takes major effort and I feel this will never get better.

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. NP in the same boat (well a step back really). I don’t know yet what DH want or if he even wants to try again, but I’m really struggling with the whole concept. I’ve spent half my adult life with him, i do stil love him, but i also hate him and can’t imagine ever trusting him again. I don’t see a clear path forward from here and i know every option is painful. Best of luck to you OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's always a terrible time for kids to get divorced, but sometimes it's still the best decision. This seems like one of those times. I'm sorry, OP.

+1. I sometimes reframe things to think about what I’d want my daughter to do in a the same situation. Would I want her to accept her husband treating her this way? It’s surprising how much bad behavior I’ll put up with but would not want my daughter to.

Anonymous wrote:It's always a terrible time for kids to get divorced, but sometimes it's still the best decision. This seems like one of those times. I'm sorry, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell you what to do, but I am in a similar situation — not cheating but deep betrayal that has fundamentally changed how I see my DH. We have young kids and I don’t want to punish them. We are in counseling and I also feel waves of disgust for him. Have no idea if this will ever heal to a point that it’s bearable. I believe the disgust is my unconscious trying to protect me from getting close to him.

What I’ve done is tried as much as possible to carve out a separate life within the marriage. We have a parenting schedule and he isn’t in the house when I’m with the kids. I would definitely look into renting office space so you don’t have to stay home. You can ask for what is basically (in practice) an in home separation if you feel space would help you process and give you some relief. I take trips for work or to see friends once a month, the time away is very necessary for dealing with him when I’m back. I feel he is so fundamentally manipulative and deceitful that it’s very hard to stomach much time with him. I just feel like I never knew him.

Why is this much different than if you just divorced? Because then your kids would have two houses? I feel like it might be worse for kids to live in one house with that level of tension/hatred.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell you what to do, but I am in a similar situation — not cheating but deep betrayal that has fundamentally changed how I see my DH. We have young kids and I don’t want to punish them. We are in counseling and I also feel waves of disgust for him. Have no idea if this will ever heal to a point that it’s bearable. I believe the disgust is my unconscious trying to protect me from getting close to him.

What I’ve done is tried as much as possible to carve out a separate life within the marriage. We have a parenting schedule and he isn’t in the house when I’m with the kids. I would definitely look into renting office space so you don’t have to stay home. You can ask for what is basically (in practice) an in home separation if you feel space would help you process and give you some relief. I take trips for work or to see friends once a month, the time away is very necessary for dealing with him when I’m back. I feel he is so fundamentally manipulative and deceitful that it’s very hard to stomach much time with him. I just feel like I never knew him.

Thank you - I'm sorry you are also going through this. Feeling like you never truly knew the person you are married to and spent a big portion of your life with is such a horrible feeling. It's exactly how I feel.

Creating a separate life of my own and finding ways to make myself happy outside of the marriage is my focus. But since I agreed to try to work through this (again, this isn't the first time I've found something out), I am trying to be civil under the same roof. It's extremely difficult and I don't see this solution lasting very long. We also both work from home 90% of the time, so the constant time together is mentally draining.

Anonymous wrote:OP - BTDT, first thing first - get your own therapist who will help you and support you and any decision making you want/need to make regarding your marriage. I too went through marriage counseling, thought it helped, long story short, things went back to the way they were before and I was miserable for many reasons but the biggest was the lack of trust. I divorced, scared to death about my future, self-esteem was killed by my X's affairs, but 5 years later I am happier than I've ever been. Are my kids affected, sure they are, but would they have been affected by if we stayed marriage and were miserable - I think so too. There is life on the other side of divorce. Get your ducks in a row financially before you pull the plug (if you do). Good luck and hugs to you.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, having affairs with people at work AND engaging with sex workers suggests there is something deeply damaged about him. It wasn’t like a friendship that got out of hand or something. I would not stick around to see if he heals or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t tell you what to do, but I am in a similar situation — not cheating but deep betrayal that has fundamentally changed how I see my DH. We have young kids and I don’t want to punish them. We are in counseling and I also feel waves of disgust for him. Have no idea if this will ever heal to a point that it’s bearable. I believe the disgust is my unconscious trying to protect me from getting close to him.

What I’ve done is tried as much as possible to carve out a separate life within the marriage. We have a parenting schedule and he isn’t in the house when I’m with the kids. I would definitely look into renting office space so you don’t have to stay home. You can ask for what is basically (in practice) an in home separation if you feel space would help you process and give you some relief. I take trips for work or to see friends once a month, the time away is very necessary for dealing with him when I’m back. I feel he is so fundamentally manipulative and deceitful that it’s very hard to stomach much time with him. I just feel like I never knew him.

Thank you - I'm sorry you are also going through this. Feeling like you never truly knew the person you are married to and spent a big portion of your life with is such a horrible feeling. It's exactly how I feel.

Creating a separate life of my own and finding ways to make myself happy outside of the marriage is my focus. But since I agreed to try to work through this (again, this isn't the first time I've found something out), I am trying to be civil under the same roof. It's extremely difficult and I don't see this solution lasting very long. We also both work from home 90% of the time, so the constant time together is mentally draining.

You said you recently discovered the cheating and now you say this isn't the first time...