Anonymous
Post 12/18/2023 08:39     Subject: Husband is just so slow
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He’s just lazy and not invested in family life. Sorry OP.


I agree. Presumably he meets deadlines at work and shows up to meetings on time?


That seems to be the key, I think. What’s he like at work, OP?


NP. My DH is like this. He's a software engineer. He's successful at work because of strong scrum master/ process/ daily stand ups.

I take those roles at home and we are all successful.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2023 08:38     Subject: Husband is just so slow
It’s hard to take seriously someone who is so rude and inconsiderate to everyone else he is making late, late for, hungry, etc.

If a grown adult has an issue (time mgmt) and isn’t making active efforts of his own to manage said issue, he just doesn’t care.

He cares at work.

But not at home where Mommy is.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2023 08:34     Subject: Husband is just so slow
Anonymous wrote:This is my DH. While everyone else gets ready to go, he acts like he’s ready and sits by the door in sweatpants, cross-legged and staring at his phone. When it’s time to go, he starts to get ready. Every time.

I can’t take a walk with DH unless I’m in the mood to amble at a pace slower than a toddler. Yes, stopping to smell the roses is lovely, but sometimes you don’t need to smell every damn rose and inspect every green leaf and fawn over every shiny beetle.

He’s also completely unrealistic (overly optimistic ?) about how long something will take. His parents live 30 minutes away if traffic is good, which means they are 45-60 minutes away most days. He tells them we’ll be there by 1, but he tells them this at 12:30 when he’s still sweaty from his workout and has a load of laundry in the washing machine.


Wowzers.

Is just leave without him every time he’s so later and mismanaging his time.

But yes this is ADHD/ asD. No concept of time.

However, not managing this identified symptom and not coming up with systems that work at works school and home and 100% in him so he’s not also an a-hole.
Anonymous
Post 12/18/2023 08:31     Subject: Husband is just so slow
Anonymous wrote:You just go insane. I have.


+1

Talk to his mother. You’ll get an earful.
Anonymous
Post 12/17/2023 22:03     Subject: Husband is just so slow
Anonymous wrote:Inattentive ADHD, slow processing speed, poor executive function.

My son has been diagnosed since elementary and he needs to work twice as hard to be less productive than the average. However since he has a high IQ and is perfectionist, what he does achieve is high quality work. He is very aware of his deficits. He’s now in college, and is destined to be a daydreaming, analytical professor/researcher type.



Not if he can't get his work done. Those jobs are competitive.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 17:14     Subject: Husband is just so slow
Why do you sit in the car for 30 minutes if you know he isn't ready yet? Don't get in the car until he's literally out the door.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 17:04     Subject: Re:Husband is just so slow
+1 on ADHD. Regardless of the reason, this does not get better unless he experiences natural consequences. No more packing the car and 3 kids to go visit his parents. He does it all himself by a pre-set time or you don’t go.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 16:26     Subject: Husband is just so slow
My husband is the same. He is a math professor. For his work he can sit for hours writing pages and pages of tedious math proofs and calculations with perfect hand writing and no mistakes. I could never do that. So I try to see us as having different strengths and weaknesses.

but a lot of times I struggle with extreme frustration and anger because he refuses to plan with me so we can execute things well as a family, for example having family over for Christmas. He’ll want to do everything last minute and invariably run out of time and things will be a mess. My choices are do everything myself or suck it up.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 15:23     Subject: Husband is just so slow
Anonymous wrote:Does he have adhd? He sounds like my DH and I swear it is undiagnosed adhd, poor exec functioning skills. He cooked dinner last night - was supposed to be for 6:30, we ate at 8:30. You can manage his timetable on most things by just moving everything up. If we need to leave by 7, I tell him we need to leave at 6:30. If he is going to take kids somewhere I tell him that the express line closes at 12, or the tickets sell out at 11, or that I think Santa is only going there to be there until 3. Don’t drive yourself nuts. Just manage him differently.


Yes my husband is similar. He always waits until dinnertime to start prepping food.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 15:12     Subject: Husband is just so slow
ADHD
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 15:11     Subject: Husband is just so slow
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That is why it is called "mental load" of women. My DH is amazing at work. But, he is incapable of doing things correctly, on time, completely at home.

So, I make the things happen at home and instruct him to do it. I switch on and off between being a loving wife and a strict manager. It is ok. Things get done. I appreciate what he is capable of doing. He is a loving dad and loyal husband, a compassionate human being and his moral compass is on point.

BTW - having 3 kids is a different ballgame so most of your vent is due to having 3 children. The sane number of children is 2. Please pass this PSA along.



Op here. I don’t think this is it. It’s not the mental load. I need him to physically be faster, not to remember to buy a birthday gift. We don’t find 3 kids more challenging than 2.


He is time blind. It is part of ADHD. My husband has it also. Using phone calendar reminders has been helpful. So has me letting go. If he wants to go to his parents, I just wait and wait and wait. I don’t move faster than him. I don’t care. When he gets ready, I then say “do you want to pack kid 1 while I pack kid 2.” I don’t care if we are hours late for his family. In reality, he has gotten much better over the years plus one kid gets easier. The other one has profound intellectual disability and requires total care. So, I just wait.

For trips I care about, I tell him we need 30 minutes earlier than we really need to leave. And I help one kid pack and pack the other kid.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 15:00     Subject: Husband is just so slow
Anonymous wrote:You just go insane. I have.


+10000
Me too. Husband is slow as molasses. It's very hard to deal with, never on time too.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 14:58     Subject: Husband is just so slow
Anonymous wrote:Do adhd meds change this? Will they speed people up? Or make them not lose track of time? I don’t know much about them


Unfortunately, in my experience, meds won’t really change this. Meds help sustain focus on a particular task, and possibly regulate emotional reactions, but don’t help with time blindness.

In my family, I just deal… know what I can count on DH for and what I can’t, realistically.
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 14:57     Subject: Husband is just so slow
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He’s just lazy and not invested in family life. Sorry OP.


I agree. Presumably he meets deadlines at work and shows up to meetings on time?


That seems to be the key, I think. What’s he like at work, OP?
Anonymous
Post 12/16/2023 14:52     Subject: Husband is just so slow
This is simple. Talk to DH about what time he wants to be backing out of the driveway.. Let's say he responds 9 AM. Decide and communicate that if he isn't in the car by 9:15 (or whatever your deadline is), you are not going. The end.