A lot of people think they have a daughter in law issue when it is really about how they raised their son.

Why does DIL need to coordinate everything for the other side of the family? Why not ask your son? If your son doesn't care to arrange things that is not on your DIL. No one seems to expect their son in law to arrange things for her side of the family.

Each child and their relationship with their parents effects future dynamics. Raise your sons so that they are invested and prioritize family time instead of blaming DIL for the results of your parenting choices.

OP, I don’t get the point of your example. Yes, I’m sure many Boomer parents *invited* their parents on vacation. Multi-general vacations aren’t weird. What’s weird is for two older adults NOT to be invited, and to simply invite themselves. That’s weird and rude, no matter one’s age or relationship to the family.

Some of it is overall societal environment.

My grandparents generation were blue-collar workers and when reaching retirement age, did not have the money to travel, buy expensive gifts and were physically worn-out so babysitting grandchildren was not the norm.

Another reason for actions/inactions of current generation of grandparents might be the prevalence of second marriages. Mixing families (including adult children with kids) is very difficult.

Many grandparents are in a position where their current spouse may not be welcomed or accepted. It is awkward (and often unsuccessful) to try and develop relationships with adult children and grandkids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What puzzles me as a grandparent is why yours would ever want to spend so much time with you, considering how mean and selfish you all are. We didn’t raise our kids that way and I’ll tell you: they love to see us and we them. I feel sorry for you.

Did you take your parents and inlaws on trips with you when you went on vacations with your family? How much togetherness and involvement did you allow your own parents? I have no idea how much time and togetherness you’re talking about with your own adult children, so it’s hard to tell. Anyway, you come across as very mean spirited so I wonder what your kids see in you.

The quickness with which PP jumped into the thread (4th post) and immediately told everyone how terrible they were being indicates either (1) troll, or (2) their kids hate them and they are incredibly defensive about it and project that misery onto any conversation about family relationships.

Such a typical DCUM daughter / daughter in law response. One of us is defensive, alright. Try looking in the mirror.

. Pp nailed it!

No. We lived in the same town as one set of grandparents and 100mi from the other. Saw both sets regularly and as they aged my parents were a huge part of their care-giving.

My parents now live far from us and my spouse’s parents have passed but being part of our and our kids’ lives is very important to my parents. They FaceTime regularly, visit as often as they can and wish we would come to them more than we do.

Both DH and I were each very close to one set of grandparents growing up (saw them daily or weekly). Our parents are now just as involved, we take vacations with them and we find it really enjoyable to travel together. We see his parents weekly and mine live further away but we see them almost once a month. They’ll come for a whole weekend or we’ll visit them or we’ll be on vacation together.

Anonymous wrote:These are all problems created in the vast majority of cases by women. It's not a generational thing, it's the way women roll

This is a women’s generational issue IMO, it’s true. My own father let his mom somehow into our lives, she helped out a lot. He never once held me or my sister back in anything we wanted to do. He never inserted himself into our lives (he had other faults but that wasn’t one of them). Same goes for my DH. Since it seems that you’re a man posting here - what’s your observation, why did this shift happen? You might have a good perspective as you’re not one of the participants in this entanglement.

These are all problems created in the vast majority of cases by women. It's not a generational thing, it's the way women roll

Nope, seems similar to me. When I was a kid my family took two vacations a year - winter and summer. The winter vacation consisted of driving from PA to FL to visit my mom’s parents. Sometimes my dad’s parents would drive from MI to join us in FL. The summer vacation consisted of driving to MI and spending a few days with my dad’s parents. Then my parents would leave us there for 2 weeks and do their own thing, then come back and get us. It was wonderful time with grandparents and cousins. Eventually when my mom’s parents passed away, we stopped going to FL, but instead we’d do family ski trips that my dad’s parents and random cousins would join. And we always did holidays with dad’s side of the family, the more the merrier. And still do. This past Thanksgiving there were 30 people at my aunt’s house. All the married cousins and their in-laws and anyone else who wanted to join.

We never vacationed abroad when I was a kid - all vacations were driving and involved family and outdoor activities.

This is mainly what my nuclear family does now except we take short 2-3 day spring break trips as just us, within driving distance. Places in VA or PA or MD. For other trips, we drive to see family, or family joins us at the beach or whatever. My kids are young and I want to build those relationships before we can’t anymore. And that time is coming - I lost a parent, grandparents, and cousins over the past three years, so yes I am happy to prioritize family connections while I can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What puzzles me as a grandparent is why yours would ever want to spend so much time with you, considering how mean and selfish you all are. We didn’t raise our kids that way and I’ll tell you: they love to see us and we them. I feel sorry for you.

Did you take your parents and inlaws on trips with you when you went on vacations with your family? How much togetherness and involvement did you allow your own parents? I have no idea how much time and togetherness you’re talking about with your own adult children, so it’s hard to tell. Anyway, you come across as very mean spirited so I wonder what your kids see in you.

The quickness with which PP jumped into the thread (4th post) and immediately told everyone how terrible they were being indicates either (1) troll, or (2) their kids hate them and they are incredibly defensive about it and project that misery onto any conversation about family relationships.

Such a typical DCUM daughter / daughter in law response. One of us is defensive, alright. Try looking in the mirror.

NP - sorry lady but you are the problem here.
you can't jump in and accuse a bunch of people of being 'mean spirited' and expect them to like it. At your age, you should know that.

My husband was practically raised by his grandparents. His parents can’t even remember our childrens names or be bothered with them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What puzzles me as a grandparent is why yours would ever want to spend so much time with you, considering how mean and selfish you all are. We didn’t raise our kids that way and I’ll tell you: they love to see us and we them. I feel sorry for you.

Did you take your parents and inlaws on trips with you when you went on vacations with your family? How much togetherness and involvement did you allow your own parents? I have no idea how much time and togetherness you’re talking about with your own adult children, so it’s hard to tell. Anyway, you come across as very mean spirited so I wonder what your kids see in you.

The quickness with which PP jumped into the thread (4th post) and immediately told everyone how terrible they were being indicates either (1) troll, or (2) their kids hate them and they are incredibly defensive about it and project that misery onto any conversation about family relationships.

yes that pp is there thinking everyone is thrilled about having them visit, meanwhile their DIL is prob all over this forum.

Anonymous wrote:Have you seen a disconnect between the expectations of your parents’ generation versus what they were willing to do for their own parents? The post below about in-laws insinuating themselves into that OP’s vacation is an example. The in laws probably would never have invited their parents to join them, unless there’s a family history of traveling with the grandparents here?

No disconnect with my parents or my in- laws towards the older generation and towards expectations of my sister and me. Basically, we all got along, so that might have helped. My parents and in laws were born between 1929 and 1933. The older generation was born between 1888 and 1906. We are Generation Jones that don’t feel like we fit with Boomers or Gen-X of which we straddle. Our parents were older parents.

Yes.

Both my parents and my ILs had full time childcare provided by a combination of both sets of grandparents (who lived in different states in one case).

DH and I were lucky to get the occasional Saturday date night when they were little but once they turned 10, my parents were only interested in knowing what they were up to so they could brag to their friends. They stopped putting effort in at that time.

FIL has only met his grandchildren from us two or three times. He’s never met BIL’s children and the oldest is 5. MIL send gifts but takes no interest in her grandchildren. When we told her she was going to be a grandmother, she was annoyed at me for stealing her baby from her. She’s very codependent. She lives with BIL in his house now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What puzzles me as a grandparent is why yours would ever want to spend so much time with you, considering how mean and selfish you all are. We didn’t raise our kids that way and I’ll tell you: they love to see us and we them. I feel sorry for you.

Did you take your parents and inlaws on trips with you when you went on vacations with your family? How much togetherness and involvement did you allow your own parents? I have no idea how much time and togetherness you’re talking about with your own adult children, so it’s hard to tell. Anyway, you come across as very mean spirited so I wonder what your kids see in you.

The quickness with which PP jumped into the thread (4th post) and immediately told everyone how terrible they were being indicates either (1) troll, or (2) their kids hate them and they are incredibly defensive about it and project that misery onto any conversation about family relationships.

Such a typical DCUM daughter / daughter in law response. One of us is defensive, alright. Try looking in the mirror.