Anonymous
12/15/2023 07:18
Subject: Re:Unhappy with family gift
OP, I think you're finding it hard to picture what others here are describing as "experience" gifts. To many of us, giving an experience as a gift looks like this: Tickets to a show you know for sure they will want to attend, at a time they choose before you buy the tickets (and which does not involve your going with them). Or a gift certificate good for admission to a museum their kids will like. Or a year's membership/pass at a kids' museum/theater/amusement park they would like, which is close to their home, and which will enable them to go multiple times over a year, for instance. Again, without you or others having to attend alongside them.
None of those involves "get the extended family together to do this experience." You're talking about making your gift an event that the recipients, you and your own family, and other family members (grandparents?) ALL do at the same time on the same day.
While such extended family outings are fine, making it your One True Christmas Gift is very likely making this one part of the family feel it's turned into an annual obligation, not a freely given gift they can enjoy at a time that works best for them. Yes, you coordinate when this "gift" event takes place and ask them for times, but I'm not sure why you can't see how -- even with coordinating times supposedly for everyone's convenience -- they may just not be into what might feel more like an annual summons to bring themselves and their kids to a family outing.
As someone else put it earlier, why not spend time with them throughout the year if family time together is so important, and then give them the gift of an experience for just their family to share? I think you mean well with the extended family outing each year, but can you see how it could start to feel like a chore, especially if you're doing it around the holidays each year, when people are so busy and often stressed?
None of those involves "get the extended family together to do this experience." You're talking about making your gift an event that the recipients, you and your own family, and other family members (grandparents?) ALL do at the same time on the same day.
While such extended family outings are fine, making it your One True Christmas Gift is very likely making this one part of the family feel it's turned into an annual obligation, not a freely given gift they can enjoy at a time that works best for them. Yes, you coordinate when this "gift" event takes place and ask them for times, but I'm not sure why you can't see how -- even with coordinating times supposedly for everyone's convenience -- they may just not be into what might feel more like an annual summons to bring themselves and their kids to a family outing.
As someone else put it earlier, why not spend time with them throughout the year if family time together is so important, and then give them the gift of an experience for just their family to share? I think you mean well with the extended family outing each year, but can you see how it could start to feel like a chore, especially if you're doing it around the holidays each year, when people are so busy and often stressed?
Anonymous
12/15/2023 07:17
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
Isn’t Christmas Dinner a family experience? If I cook Christmas dinner for everyone, you all are calling me controlling bc I’m trying g to get everyone together at the same time?
If I offer to take my family on a horse drawn hay ride with hot chocolate for the kids I’m a controlling narcissist?
It’s ok not to come. Really.
I haven’t done this, but honestly, I’m sick of stuff, having to buy stuff, having an obligation to buy stuff, seeing people buy me stuff I don’t need bc they feel obligated.
I love giving gifts when I find just the right thing for someone.
Give OP a break, she seems perfectly flexible.
If I offer to take my family on a horse drawn hay ride with hot chocolate for the kids I’m a controlling narcissist?
It’s ok not to come. Really.
I haven’t done this, but honestly, I’m sick of stuff, having to buy stuff, having an obligation to buy stuff, seeing people buy me stuff I don’t need bc they feel obligated.
I love giving gifts when I find just the right thing for someone.
Give OP a break, she seems perfectly flexible.
Anonymous
12/15/2023 07:16
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
I would only do an experience after offering a few choices of activity and collaborating on the times. Just announcing "This years adventure of a polar swim followed by clam chowder will be next Tuesday at 6 am" is not a good idea.
Anonymous
12/15/2023 07:09
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
Anonymous wrote:Wanting to spend time together and treating the experience is fine. This is a crappy gift though.
I have 3 kids. With just my immediate family, it is hard to find an experience everyone wants to do. It sounds like OP picked the experience without asking others.
A gift would be a zoo pass or membership to the local aquarium. Maybe Disney tickets. Obligating someone to do something with you on your schedule is not a good gift.
I have a friend whose mom and sister live out of state. Both the mom and sister are always trying to gift my friend and her family experience gifts or vacations. Basically the mom and sister want to hijack their winter break and summer vacation.
I would give normal gifts and then can try to coordinate this experience outing separately.
Or no gifts for adults, no experience, no forced get together. Just get together like normal families do (if everyone wants).
Anonymous
12/15/2023 06:42
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
OP why’d you come back and then not say what the experience is?
Anonymous
12/15/2023 04:17
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
Wanting to spend time together and treating the experience is fine. This is a crappy gift though.
I have 3 kids. With just my immediate family, it is hard to find an experience everyone wants to do. It sounds like OP picked the experience without asking others.
A gift would be a zoo pass or membership to the local aquarium. Maybe Disney tickets. Obligating someone to do something with you on your schedule is not a good gift.
I have a friend whose mom and sister live out of state. Both the mom and sister are always trying to gift my friend and her family experience gifts or vacations. Basically the mom and sister want to hijack their winter break and summer vacation.
I would give normal gifts and then can try to coordinate this experience outing separately.
I have 3 kids. With just my immediate family, it is hard to find an experience everyone wants to do. It sounds like OP picked the experience without asking others.
A gift would be a zoo pass or membership to the local aquarium. Maybe Disney tickets. Obligating someone to do something with you on your schedule is not a good gift.
I have a friend whose mom and sister live out of state. Both the mom and sister are always trying to gift my friend and her family experience gifts or vacations. Basically the mom and sister want to hijack their winter break and summer vacation.
I would give normal gifts and then can try to coordinate this experience outing separately.
Anonymous
12/15/2023 03:10
Subject: Re:Unhappy with family gift
OP it really sounds like you are using your gift as an opportunity to force them all to do something with you of your choosing. Also an hour away equates to two hours of travel time with kids plus your experience activity which knocks out an entire day and leaves the travelers tired for the rest of the weekend.
Anonymous
12/15/2023 01:17
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. If someone isn’t willing to spend a few hours with family, why should I even get a regular gift? That seems crazy to me.
And yes, my point in family experiences is that it’s one time of the year we can all make time together. It’s something we can count on.
Time together feels like the basis of most relationships. They live within an hour of us. What should I do, not talk to them all year, ask for a list and ship them gifts to show I “care”. That’s silly.
If time together is so valuable to you then why don't you offer your time freely? Why do you double it up as their Christmas gift? Why don't you offer to spend time with them because you want to, and then also give them a gift for Christmas? Why don't you just host and invite them to things like normal families?
Anonymous
12/15/2023 01:10
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. If someone isn’t willing to spend a few hours with family, why should I even get a regular gift? That seems crazy to me.
And yes, my point in family experiences is that it’s one time of the year we can all make time together. It’s something we can count on.
Time together feels like the basis of most relationships. They live within an hour of us. What should I do, not talk to them all year, ask for a list and ship them gifts to show I “care”. That’s silly.
You don't have to get anyone a gift. But if you don't should be a real no strings attached gift. Frankly being forced to spend several hours with you must be like the seventh circle of hell.
Anonymous
12/15/2023 01:06
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
Anonymous wrote:Experiences aren't gifts. It is spending time together. If you are paying for it, you are treating them. I have those "gifts" as they are more for the giver than the receiver.
Maybe OP gets a discount for herself if she ropes in a few additional family members.
Anonymous
12/15/2023 01:04
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. If someone isn’t willing to spend a few hours with family, why should I even get a regular gift? That seems crazy to me.
And yes, my point in family experiences is that it’s one time of the year we can all make time together. It’s something we can count on.
Time together feels like the basis of most relationships. They live within an hour of us. What should I do, not talk to them all year, ask for a list and ship them gifts to show I “care”. That’s silly. [/quote
Why not just get together? Host a family dinner?
Anonymous
12/15/2023 01:03
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
Anonymous wrote:We have chosen to do family experiences for DH’s parents and siblings (and their families). We have done a lot of fun things over the years but I think DH’s one sibling and partner don’t seem really into it.
I feel like it’s the one time we can guarantee everyone can be together and it’s usually just for a few hours.
DH’s sibling and partner have two young kids, so we were planning to get the kids a few small kids since we are paying for a everyone’s family gift.
I let them know I would still have gifts for them but not as many since we will be having another family event. And I didn’t get a response.
Should I just offer an out and say, we are doing a family gift this year, would you prefer to receive other items? That feels so sterile to me but I also don’t want to force them into planned activities if they aren’t into group things. What to do?
Your gift is pretty narcissistic and controlling. Don't play dumb. All those strings attached make it more of an obligation than a gift. You know that. But then you play the innocent card and are just shocked and offended that your generosity is perceived as a burden.
Surely you aren't so stupid that you don't realize that families with little kids might have their own preferences as to how they might want to spend their free time and who with.
But no,you have to be the queen bee and everyone has to dance to your tune.
Nice.
Anonymous
12/15/2023 00:50
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
Anonymous wrote:If it’s a gift, give them a certificate to do it on their own time. Otherwise it’s more of an obligation.
This. An experience gift that you have to do with the giver is a really crappy gift. It’s something a narcissistic would do.
Anonymous
12/14/2023 21:26
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
I actually agree with this.
Anonymous wrote:I’m OP. If someone isn’t willing to spend a few hours with family, why should I even get a regular gift? That seems crazy to me.
And yes, my point in family experiences is that it’s one time of the year we can all make time together. It’s something we can count on.
Time together feels like the basis of most relationships. They live within an hour of us. What should I do, not talk to them all year, ask for a list and ship them gifts to show I “care”. That’s silly.
Anonymous
12/14/2023 21:12
Subject: Unhappy with family gift
To add, I don’t dictate a date. We collectively choose.