Anonymous
12/14/2023 18:04
Subject: Anyone else’s mom have mental health problems?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Dealing with this now. My mom is widowed, finally got a diagnosis of anxiety and depression and under care of a geriatrician who has prescribed her Wellbutrin and Remeron.
She is now in an independent living community
Can you begin to make some plans? Get her to a doctor for some baseline checks (MMSE-memory) and screenings? Make the physicians be the bearers of good and bad news.
Is your mom driving? Pro tip: in VA, you can anonymously request a medical review be opened on a driver. Packet of forms sent to driver with 30 days to respond. Hold or note placed on drivers license while under review then if no action, license gets suspended.
I have more tips as going through this now with mom and MIL.
She has a thousand drs and not driving bc of physical stuff. But will never agree to go into any kind of home or community in a thousand years. The mh issue is not well controlled despite best efforts of extremely well regarded drs in large city. I feel kind of hopeless
PP quoted and…ok…good she’s not driving. Really that’s huge. Also, she has doctors - excellent!
So here’s what will happen; her never agreeing (to overt stubborness) to “never go into any home” again is fine for now UNTIL there’s a precipitous event AKA an emergency that renders all of her choices irrelevant. For instance, she suffers a fall. Breaks a bone. Has to be admitted to the hospital for treatment or surgery. Rehabilitation will follow. Social workers will intervene and decide if appropriate and safe for her to return home and if so, under what kind of care and monitoring. Will a visiting nurse come once a day?
Or, she needs extensive modifications to her house. Is she willing to install an elevator? A chairlift? Install a ramp? Sleep on main floor in a hospital bed?
My dad got a dementia diagnosis and my mom refused any and all modifications to their house and moved my dad to skilled nursing where he lived out his life for 3 years.
op - all this has already happened. she is currently at home with round the clock care and my dad. but lives abroad so it's all a nightmare about to unfold. bc the carers cant be responsible for keeping her alive and kicking and not going crazy all alone with them.
i have no idea how to stop this train completely derailing any second.
Drop the rope. She lives abroad. Whatever health care system exists in the country she lives in will address her issues accordingly.
yes but it's so sparse, that safety net. If you can't move (which she can't without help), the govt send someone over twice a day to 'help you go to the bathroom' and then they leave. It's not good. Thankfully my parents have money but are spending about $100k per year on my mom's care. At some point I imagine i need to move her to where we live in the US, with the same setup but at least nearer - right?
Anonymous
12/14/2023 16:34
Subject: Anyone else’s mom have mental health problems?
My mom has schizophrenia with paranoid delusions of persecution. She doesn’t think anything is wrong with her and won’t see a doctor. She believes all the crazy stuff that the voices tell her. My Dad has to live with it every day. He is a saint. I couldn’t do it. It’s not going to end well. We just wait each day for the crisis to hit. It’s so sad….
Anonymous
12/14/2023 15:11
Subject: Anyone else’s mom have mental health problems?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:All of our boomer parents are mentally ill in some way. This is the norm not the exception.
This! The really normal, mentally-healthy ones are few and far between
Sure. And all millennials are all self centered and lazy. Are you part of the problem or part of the solution? Let’s just box up an entire generation and all hate each other.
Your kids are watching and learning.
+100
YOUR kids are watching. Age makes us all crazy.
Anonymous
12/14/2023 15:00
Subject: Anyone else’s mom have mental health problems?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Dealing with this now. My mom is widowed, finally got a diagnosis of anxiety and depression and under care of a geriatrician who has prescribed her Wellbutrin and Remeron.
She is now in an independent living community
Can you begin to make some plans? Get her to a doctor for some baseline checks (MMSE-memory) and screenings? Make the physicians be the bearers of good and bad news.
Is your mom driving? Pro tip: in VA, you can anonymously request a medical review be opened on a driver. Packet of forms sent to driver with 30 days to respond. Hold or note placed on drivers license while under review then if no action, license gets suspended.
I have more tips as going through this now with mom and MIL.
She has a thousand drs and not driving bc of physical stuff. But will never agree to go into any kind of home or community in a thousand years. The mh issue is not well controlled despite best efforts of extremely well regarded drs in large city. I feel kind of hopeless
PP quoted and…ok…good she’s not driving. Really that’s huge. Also, she has doctors - excellent!
So here’s what will happen; her never agreeing (to overt stubborness) to “never go into any home” again is fine for now UNTIL there’s a precipitous event AKA an emergency that renders all of her choices irrelevant. For instance, she suffers a fall. Breaks a bone. Has to be admitted to the hospital for treatment or surgery. Rehabilitation will follow. Social workers will intervene and decide if appropriate and safe for her to return home and if so, under what kind of care and monitoring. Will a visiting nurse come once a day?
Or, she needs extensive modifications to her house. Is she willing to install an elevator? A chairlift? Install a ramp? Sleep on main floor in a hospital bed?
My dad got a dementia diagnosis and my mom refused any and all modifications to their house and moved my dad to skilled nursing where he lived out his life for 3 years.
op - all this has already happened. she is currently at home with round the clock care and my dad. but lives abroad so it's all a nightmare about to unfold. bc the carers cant be responsible for keeping her alive and kicking and not going crazy all alone with them.
i have no idea how to stop this train completely derailing any second.
Drop the rope. She lives abroad. Whatever health care system exists in the country she lives in will address her issues accordingly.
Anonymous
12/14/2023 14:56
Subject: Anyone else’s mom have mental health problems?
That’s right—you can’t save them from themselves. Set your boundaries and be as supportive as you can within them. You are not responsible for fixing their lives or undoing their bad choices. Hugs and good luck.
Anonymous
12/14/2023 14:10
Subject: Anyone else’s mom have mental health problems?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Dealing with this now. My mom is widowed, finally got a diagnosis of anxiety and depression and under care of a geriatrician who has prescribed her Wellbutrin and Remeron.
She is now in an independent living community
Can you begin to make some plans? Get her to a doctor for some baseline checks (MMSE-memory) and screenings? Make the physicians be the bearers of good and bad news.
Is your mom driving? Pro tip: in VA, you can anonymously request a medical review be opened on a driver. Packet of forms sent to driver with 30 days to respond. Hold or note placed on drivers license while under review then if no action, license gets suspended.
I have more tips as going through this now with mom and MIL.
She has a thousand drs and not driving bc of physical stuff. But will never agree to go into any kind of home or community in a thousand years. The mh issue is not well controlled despite best efforts of extremely well regarded drs in large city. I feel kind of hopeless
PP quoted and…ok…good she’s not driving. Really that’s huge. Also, she has doctors - excellent!
So here’s what will happen; her never agreeing (to overt stubborness) to “never go into any home” again is fine for now UNTIL there’s a precipitous event AKA an emergency that renders all of her choices irrelevant. For instance, she suffers a fall. Breaks a bone. Has to be admitted to the hospital for treatment or surgery. Rehabilitation will follow. Social workers will intervene and decide if appropriate and safe for her to return home and if so, under what kind of care and monitoring. Will a visiting nurse come once a day?
Or, she needs extensive modifications to her house. Is she willing to install an elevator? A chairlift? Install a ramp? Sleep on main floor in a hospital bed?
My dad got a dementia diagnosis and my mom refused any and all modifications to their house and moved my dad to skilled nursing where he lived out his life for 3 years.
op - all this has already happened. she is currently at home with round the clock care and my dad. but lives abroad so it's all a nightmare about to unfold. bc the carers cant be responsible for keeping her alive and kicking and not going crazy all alone with them.
i have no idea how to stop this train completely derailing any second.
PP quoted and again. You said it: the uncertainty is grueling. You can’t stop the train from derailing. Somehow, you have to move forward and know that you can’t control what happens next. I can’t with my mom’s situation and we’re in the same city. You offer support, period. Possibly, go to visit and see for yourself if nothing else but to absolve yourself of worry and responsibility.
I promise I’m not being harsh. Just went through this with my grandparents as a younger woman and now with my own parents and ILs. They, the adults, have complete freedom to make their own decisions unless and until you are given power of attorney/legal guardianship or are named executor. Again, lack of decision-making on their part will only delay the inevitable fact that eventually decisions will be made FOR them when there will be no choice.