Whatever she’s telling you about the house the reality is much worse.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are absolutely right for pressing this issue. Agree that DH must force his way into the house to assess the situation — there must be a hoarding challenge. Sounds like you’ll need to insist on some type of assisted living.

You can actually be kicked out of assisted living for hoarding, it's not a panacea.

What was the house like the last time you went in? Was there something that happened 10 years ago that made her stop letting you in?

Best case scenario she isn't a hoarder in the classic sense (attached to stuff, can't let go of trash), but has ended up there because of long standing mobility issues that prevent her from doing any housekeeping. Who takes out her trash, etc. if she can't go up and down the stairs?

Chair lift or add a bathroom to first floor or build an outhouse

You say you always meet her - when is the last time you've been to the property?

Agree with the others it's highly likely she has a hoarding issue and in that case it she will not be amenable to picking up and leaving. It's going to be a painful process (speaking from a similar experience which was eventually successful).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're going to like, show up and nonjudgmentally tell her to pack a suitcase and leave the property? What if she says no and refuses to answer the door?

There's really no way to do this other than your DH finding his motivation. If he can't even get her to let him in the door at all, I'm skeptical this will work.

No, we are going to talk with her about how her current living situation is unsustainable and ask her what she wants to do next. Then figure out a plan- with her- for the move. Offer to pay for help pack, or pay for movers and stay away, or whatever would make her most comfortable. I think honestly the biggest hurdle is going to be figuring out the plan for what’s next that’s affordable and meets her needs. I am probably naive.

Pp. But what are you going to do when she says she wants to keep everything and you find out that includes 10 years worth of packages, old food, damaged furniture, etc.? Obviously you don't agree to that and then MIL digs in her heels. I'm not saying you can't eventually find a solution, but there is very little chance it's going to be smooth or friendly like you're proposing.

Do not move her into a place 9 hours away from you. Things will only get worse and you are far away. Unless her friends are a huge and dependable support system they are not a good reason to stay so far from family.

If your DH is not willing to push the issue then let it go. If your MIL has a poor quality of life that is her choice. You have offered to help but she rejected it. Know that you're just in a holding pattern till it all comes crashing down but nothing you can do till that time.

72 is so young to be this immobile!

I would encourage her to get a stair chair lift. If you look into the costs of nursing homes, it's a drop in the bucket.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sure there is some hoarding, probably far worse than we imagine.

DH is not going to force his way in. I think our best bet is to use her mobility issues as an excuse to move her and say that we will clean out her house when she is out (without judgment).


To answer the question about money. Her house is worth about $200-250k and is paid off or very close. She has a modest pension. I don’t have an idea about other savings but I think she’s not destitute but not whatever savings she has will get blown through quickly when she needs increased care.

How are you going to move her if she won't let anyone in the house? Like physically how does that happen?

OP here. I’m working on the assumption that she’ll have to allow people in at that time as long as we emphasize how nonjudgmental people will be. I know she sounds mentally unwell but she seems pretty sound and reasonable.

When a hoarder's space is "invaded" against their will, they can flip out and lose their sense of reasoning. She may not care about people being judgmental of her as much as she'd care about people going through her stuff and disposing of it.

Good luck, this is my nightmare.

I'd be looking at independent living in a continuing care community.

I don’t understand what OP wants here. Plenty of posters have suggested that the MIL is a hoarder who isn’t going to willingly allow OP/DH/or it seems anyone in and hasn’t for 10+ years. But OP just dismisses all of them, refutes their advice and posts that they will just tell MIL they won’t judge her, she will then magically walk out of the house and go to an assisted living.

OP, if you have it all figured out why start this thread? SMH to this entire situation. This is why it’s been festering for 10 yrs. Y’all haven’t done anything about it for so long so sure.

I think you're being naive. She won't agree to anything that involves people seeing the inside of her house. She's ashamed and embarrassed and she wants to cover up her hoarding. It's going to be very hard to get around that. Also, do consider the financial cost of all of this. It may take a LOT just to get the house in sale-ready condition.

Consider the possibility of a drinking problem-- that's a lot more common that people realize, and it can be a huge obstacle to moving because the person knows they won't be able to drink in their new setting and that their problem will be discovered.

Anonymous wrote:So you're going to like, show up and nonjudgmentally tell her to pack a suitcase and leave the property? What if she says no and refuses to answer the door?

There's really no way to do this other than your DH finding his motivation. If he can't even get her to let him in the door at all, I'm skeptical this will work.

No, we are going to talk with her about how her current living situation is unsustainable and ask her what she wants to do next. Then figure out a plan- with her- for the move. Offer to pay for help pack, or pay for movers and stay away, or whatever would make her most comfortable. I think honestly the biggest hurdle is going to be figuring out the plan for what’s next that’s affordable and meets her needs. I am probably naive.

Would she allow you to have a chair lift installed so that she could more safely go up and down the stairs? Obviously that would involve allowing people in her home. Could your husband have a talk with her about safety concerns and offer that option or the option to move to a one level home?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I am sure there is some hoarding, probably far worse than we imagine.

DH is not going to force his way in. I think our best bet is to use her mobility issues as an excuse to move her and say that we will clean out her house when she is out (without judgment).


To answer the question about money. Her house is worth about $200-250k and is paid off or very close. She has a modest pension. I don’t have an idea about other savings but I think she’s not destitute but not whatever savings she has will get blown through quickly when she needs increased care.

How are you going to move her if she won't let anyone in the house? Like physically how does that happen?

OP here. I’m working on the assumption that she’ll have to allow people in at that time as long as we emphasize how nonjudgmental people will be. I know she sounds mentally unwell but she seems pretty sound and reasonable.

PP here with hoarder parents. You are very naive. If she was pretty sound and reasonable, you’d have been inside her house in the past decade. Please get out of denial. It doesn’t help you, or your DH, or your kids or your MIL.

She’s not reasonable. She’s not sound. At all. She needs serious help. Have you even tried beyond asking, can I come in? No, oh ok.

My parents have refused my help, no matter how much I tried. I do have a key to their house, I just let myself in. She likely is so overwhelmed with how bad it is she doesn’t know where to start so she doesn’t. You either need to force your way in or report her to senior services. Waiting for her to “come around” hasn’t gotten you anywhere in 10 years. Wake up.