Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have the same issue with my mother-in-law, but you know what it makes her happy and honestly keeps her busy. If she can’t afford it, that would be another issue. We did have to be upfront though, because she will ask us where such and such item is when she visits and so DH says mom, we’ve told you we don’t use those items so we donate them if you give them to us. She still continues to do so ….so whatever.

This is the right approach: tell the person what you think about their behavior in a courteous way, and if that doesn't change their behavior, deal with it another way. If they ask where the stuff is, tell them it's donated. If they get weird about it, that's THEIR problem, not yours.

OP, you're at the beginning of your parenting journey. Take it from me, someone with kids in college, you will have many other battles to fight. This isn't worth having conniptions over. You donate or get rid of stuff, and that's it.

Anonymous[b wrote:]Just be grateful. And, donate it, including candy[/b]. Your throwing it away is worse, imo.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you - completely. My MIL is same. MIL wants to give the biggest and best gifts so that our gifts and Santa’s gifts always paled in comparison. She never asks what to get (doesn’t want suggestions either) or what others are getting DD because we celebrate Christmas Eve with her and she knows that she will be giving gifts before anyone else. It is SO selfish, and it is absolutely her attempt at buying love.

The worst was a $800 item from American Girl that DD mentioned to MIL when I wasn’t around. MIL didn’t ask if we were getting it or if Santa was bringing it. Just went out and bought it. It was extravagant, and DD was actually too old for it, so we ended up selling it. But we were so pissed.

The sad thing is that my DD sees right through it and doesn’t particularly enjoy her grandmother for this and various other reasons.

Anonymous wrote:She finally stopped buying husband and I junk (scarves, hats, trinkets) and instead gives us gift cards (with a few pieces of junk in the stocking). I have been begging my husband for years to ask her to stop buying our kids so many gifts. I end up throwing them out because they don't play with them and it takes up space, or it's crap like candy. I don't want them to think Christmas is about gifts (it should be about being together!) DH has refused my requests to ask her to stop buying them SO many gifts. She buys them about 10 gifts, 1-2 from my BIL and then we may do a few. That's nearly 20 gifts and just not the kind of holiday I envision. I wonder why it's better for him to deal with my nagging of "too many gifts! please stop it!" versus him having a simple conversation "hey mom, we're going to focus on only a few bigger gifts this year".

Anyone else?

Anonymous wrote:One thing that annoys me about the way my mom approaches it is that she explicitly tells the kids (and us) that she is doing it to buy the kid's affection. Like she'll literally shower them with gifts and they say stuff like "Well I have to give you lots of gifts so you'll like me" or "Who is your favorite grandma now that you have all these great gifts?" It's horrendous. We call it out when she does it (especially the "who's your favorite" BS) and I've also talked to her specifically about how this is not a reflection of our values and that in the long run, trying to build a bond with our kids based on this kind of transaction doesn't make for a meaningful connection. She just looks at me blankly. She had abusive parents and her grandparents weren't present in her life. I don't think she'll ever get it.

But I think this is true for a lot of grandparents who do it. Yes, some just enjoy making their grandkids happy. No question. I mean, I feel that too when I'm buying gifts for my kids -- I have to intentionally limit myself because it's so easy to think "oh, they'd love that too!" But I think also a lot of grandparents are like my mom and they think they are buying love and don't really get that you can't buy love. It makes me sad.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is up to your husband to handle, it's his mother.

If it's (understandably) not a battle he wants to fight with his mother, leave it be. But if you want to undermine your relationship with your MIL by hurting her feelings over something that isn't really that big of a deal, go for it.