A 13 year old just died in a drunk driving accident. Kids her age get pregnant. This is a wake up call to you that she is putting herself in positions where there could be very serious consequences to seemingly benign choices.

I would have a long talk to your 12 year old about her actions and the possible outcomes of those actions. I would tell her that attending a party with drinking means that she has lost my trust and I will be checking on her location until she has re-earned my trust. That means that she is being honest with me about where she is going and who she is with. That will take time.

I would emphasize that her actions at this age can have long term consequences. That includes pregnancy, being seriously harmed or even killed in an accident, being injured or killed by people tampering with what she is drinking or taking (fentanyl and roofies). Her actions show that she is moving into an area with far more serious consequences if she is not careful and she needs to be aware of that.

I would not allow her to attend any event without checking in with the parents that she is supposed to be with. I would be checking her location on her phone or whatever device you have given her. If she is not where she is supposed to be, I would be contacting her and finding out what is going on.

Anonymous wrote:This has to be troll - a 12 year old drinking with high school kids? What is this Drew Barrymore? And parent finds out about Halloween in December?!

I believe the mom and don’t think it’s a troll. I teach high schoolers and honestly some parents are CLUELESS. They believe the most outlandish things their kids tell them, lack boundaries, don’t understand that teenagers aren’t grown and just because you don’t wipe their butts anymore doesn’t mean active parenting stopped. There are plenty of kids running around with little to no supervision, barely even trying to tell their parents believable lies, and the parents are utterly shocked when another adult questions them on what the hell they thought was going on.

Op is one of many clueless parents who simply do not understand that parenting teens is JUST as hands on as the earlier years but in a different way, and the fact you know your kid as a sweet and caring person doesn’t mean they aren’t making some bad choices if they don’t have a stable adult guiding them through some turbulent years.

OP I hope you get it together for your daughter’s sake. Down this path leads nothing good for her.

This has to be troll - a 12 year old drinking with high school kids? What is this Drew Barrymore? And parent finds out about Halloween in December?!

First - you need to figure out your rules / boundaries and what you want to say.

Personally I would not be ok with lying, either explicit lying (if she knew that is where they are going) or lying by omission (she thought they were just hanging out and then went along with the crowd). I would sit her down and explain why her lying was wrong, and why I would not want her going to a high school party with alcohol - especially with you not knowing she was going.

Next, I would ask her how it happened. Did she know that is where they were going? Did she feel pressured? If I truly felt it was peer pressure, I would help my kid figure out things to do next time to not go to the party. Perhaps she texts you a code word that prompts you to call her and say she has to come home.

For me, I would be more concerned about preventing future behavior, so unless the kid refuses to admit what happens or gets an attitude, I would not give a punishment this time - but with the promise of a strong punishment if it happens again. I feel like once kids feel like they are “bad” they just lean into it. Let this be a mistake that will not happen again.

But that is my opinion, really based on my kid. You have to figure out your priorities and what will be most effective for your kid.

Do talk to her about the dangers of a spiked drink. A 12 year old at a high school party is really in danger of being a victim.

I might also consider looking for activities where she would hang out with some other girls.

A 12 year old should never, ever be socializing with high schoolers. Ever. There is something very wrong here and you need to completely overhaul your supervision. This is on you.

Anonymous wrote:
I have always had a bad gut feeling about DD's friends but always decided to keep this feeling to myself. DD is sweet and caring and I have never had any real issues about her before. I'm guessing she was pressured into this, but not entirely sure. DD does not know that I am aware of what went down, and I have no clue how to handle a conversation with her on this topic. I'm not entirely sure she did drink alcohol, so she might have just had an innocently-fun time at the party and I don't want to limit her socially if she is just making memories with her friends. Even so, she did lie to me in the first place so I am not sure what to do.

“Dd is sweet and caring”. “bad feeling about DD friends”. “Not sure she drank alcohol” “ innocent fun time at the party”

Excuses all too common from parents who can’t accept they might have a problem. It’s your daughter who chose her friends and who chose to go to a high school party. Instead of wasting time with wishful thinking let your daughter know that you know and deal with it.

Anonymous wrote:You tell her she's grounded through the rest of the month because she lied and went to a party without permission. Then don't let her go anywhere except school and family events - nothing social.

This. She's TWELVE! and lied!

Anonymous wrote:So funny that you are looking to blame the friends and the party and not your own kid.

Yeah. Your kid IS the bad crowd you finger point at OP. You know their parents all say they’re sweet kids too right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

I have a 14 year old and my kid at age 12 (which was 6th grade for us) had gotten mixed up in the "fast" crowd. Time to start really paying attention. Verify where she's going. Call and ask the other parents. Look at where she's going on Find My. Start reading her text messages. Do not let her on Snapchat and if she's on it get her off of it. They will do a lot of milling around at this age and you have to set boundaries and know where they are going and who they are with. The drinking is certainly a thing and start having those conversations. But your bigger issue is your daughter is wandering around and you have no clue what she is doing and she's lying. It doesn't really matter if you never had any issues with her and she was "pressured into this". Same outcomes. Also, life isn't fair and the repercussions for this for a girl can be a lot worse than for a boy. Good luck.

Also if she's on Tik Tok, follow her closely or get her off. They meet a lot of boys at other schools on that platform and then start meeting up with them in real life if you are in a densely populated area. They will walk pretty far to get to other kids and whatever they want to be doing. Oh and the sleepovers? They're sneaking out and wandering around in the middle of the night and meeting up with other kids.

Tik Tok is the lamest of all apps. Snap is where the planning and communicating goes on

Okay. And what they do is post half naked pics of themselves dancing suggestively and they have public accounts anyone can see and boys they don't know in real life comment and they start interacting with them on Tik Tok. I've seen it with my own eyes plenty of times. If you have a daughter on Tik Tok, best be following along closely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently found out that DD, 12, went to a high school Halloween party with some of her friends. She had originally told me she was just going to her friend's neighborhood to trick-or-treat, but I now know she lied. I'm sure this party had alcohol, like your average high school party. Looking back, DD seemed a tiny bit loopy coming home, but I originally didn't even notice since I just thought she was tired from having a long night of trick-or-treating.

I have always had a bad gut feeling about DD's friends but always decided to keep this feeling to myself. DD is sweet and caring and I have never had any real issues about her before. I'm guessing she was pressured into this, but not entirely sure. DD does not know that I am aware of what went down, and I have no clue how to handle a conversation with her on this topic. I'm not entirely sure she did drink alcohol, so she might have just had an innocently-fun time at the party and I don't want to limit her socially if she is just making memories with her friends. Even so, she did lie to me in the first place so I am not sure what to do.

"I just found out you weren't trick or treating on Halloween with your friends like you said and were at a high school party. Tell me more about this."

+1 you don’t know how to handle a conversation with your daughter? You are the parent not her BFF.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP.

I have a 14 year old and my kid at age 12 (which was 6th grade for us) had gotten mixed up in the "fast" crowd. Time to start really paying attention. Verify where she's going. Call and ask the other parents. Look at where she's going on Find My. Start reading her text messages. Do not let her on Snapchat and if she's on it get her off of it. They will do a lot of milling around at this age and you have to set boundaries and know where they are going and who they are with. The drinking is certainly a thing and start having those conversations. But your bigger issue is your daughter is wandering around and you have no clue what she is doing and she's lying. It doesn't really matter if you never had any issues with her and she was "pressured into this". Same outcomes. Also, life isn't fair and the repercussions for this for a girl can be a lot worse than for a boy. Good luck.

Also if she's on Tik Tok, follow her closely or get her off. They meet a lot of boys at other schools on that platform and then start meeting up with them in real life if you are in a densely populated area. They will walk pretty far to get to other kids and whatever they want to be doing. Oh and the sleepovers? They're sneaking out and wandering around in the middle of the night and meeting up with other kids.

Tik Tok is the lamest of all apps. Snap is where the planning and communicating goes on

I’ve seen 7th graders who could easily pass as HS girls.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A 12 year old at a high school party and DRINKING? There's so much wrong here. This is a red alert situation, IMO.

+1

A 12yo even knowing about a HS party, much less having the audacity to attend- I can’t even imagine. I’d suspect one of the girls is involved with an older boy (ugggh). I hope not.

12 year old at Halloween is typically a 7th grader. All it takes is one older sibling or a family friend who knows where the party is. Also a lot of them are in activities outside of school with older kids.

In the moment I'm sure the high school kids don't want them there but also don't do anything about them being there.

Anonymous wrote:A 12 year old at a high school party and DRINKING? There's so much wrong here. This is a red alert situation, IMO.

+1

A 12yo even knowing about a HS party, much less having the audacity to attend- I can’t even imagine. I’d suspect one of the girls is involved with an older boy (ugggh). I hope not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did you find out and is source reliable?

What sort of high school party would welcome 12yos?!

Can you imagine the costumes these girls wore to blend in and look mature?

So true. Horrifying