Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It’s frustrating enough for ME not to know, but it’s even harder when I’m constantly asked.

Did you tell her that? Tell her to stop placing her anxiety on you.

+1. Be totally direct. My parents were here for almost two weeks around Thanksgiving. Before they came i had someone help me hang a large wall full of art. I gave the person carte blanche because I had total decision paralysis. It turned out nice. Certainly much nicer than the bare wall that was there. My mom was fixated on it and brought up something about for three days, nitpicking. Not rude, just sort of musing about why this was there and that was not. I finally told her that I understood it was not perfect, but I was simply glad to have it done and it was stressing me out to fixate on it and I needed her to stop.

Anonymous wrote:Send her a text every morning. “Hi Mom. Bob still doesn’t know what his schedule is. And I’m working on the menu. If you call, I will screen it. If you text about this, i will ignore. Again, I will update you as soon as I have more information. Have a great day.”

PP WTF is wrong with you?

OP: Having your mother alive is a blessing. Cherish it!!! And then take a deep breath and ask yourself what Christmas is really about. One day your mom will be gone and your phone will be silent - will you be happy then?

Anonymous wrote:Are you only celebrating one, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? We do both and always had a BIL with a job that had to work holidays. He was there when he could be there. Sometimes we adjusted a meal time based on his schedule but we always still had the holiday. I understand why your mom wants to know the plans.

Yeah, big no to this. OP isn’t going to celebrate what is, for most people, the biggest family holiday of the year without her husband and kids’ father, when she could have celebrated it with him on the day he wasn’t working, so her mother can have an answer two and a half weeks in advance. Sorry. No.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send her a text every morning. “Hi Mom. Bob still doesn’t know what his schedule is. And I’m working on the menu. If you call, I will screen it. If you text about this, i will ignore. Again, I will update you as soon as I have more information. Have a great day.”

How lovely.

Not my post, but it’s the appropriate response. OP’s Mom doesn’t get to make her raging anxiety anyone else’s problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he do that he doesn’t know if he’s working? I’m a first responder and I know my schedule as does everyone in my department.
My nurse BF has her schedule too.
If he hasn’t been scheduled at this point then he shouldn’t have to work.

Um, did you know that many, many other professions besides medical have fluctuating schedules? Judges, clerks, construction, lab techs, academic labs, the list goes on. You have no cause to question OP, so either contribute constructively or move on.’

OP, tell her that you will not be taking her calls if she is calling to discuss the holiday; you will share the info with her when you have it. Tell her that if she has an emergency or something else to discuss, she can text you what it is and you will call her back.

Are you the moderator or site owner? No? Then take a seat with this nonsense.

DP

Anonymous wrote:Are you only celebrating one, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? We do both and always had a BIL with a job that had to work holidays. He was there when he could be there. Sometimes we adjusted a meal time based on his schedule but we always still had the holiday. I understand why your mom wants to know the plans.

But OP doesn't know the plans yet and said she would share as soon as she knew.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send her a text every morning. “Hi Mom. Bob still doesn’t know what his schedule is. And I’m working on the menu. If you call, I will screen it. If you text about this, i will ignore. Again, I will update you as soon as I have more information. Have a great day.”

How lovely.

And necessary.

Anonymous wrote:It’s our year to host. It’ll be my household, my parents, and my (single, child-free) sister. Due to some work unknowns for DH, we don’t yet know if he will be working on Christmas Eve (when we typically celebrate) or Christmas, neither, both, or just one of the days, but will find out some time this week or next. My sister knows, is fine with whatever date, my parents have been told this, too. But my mom keeps calling and asking if I know yet. I keep telling her she will be the first to know. That appeased her for a while, but now she’s focusing on the food. What will we eat? Will we eat the same food if DH isn’t there? Should SHE cook the food and bring it over? Etc etc. I keep telling her I don’t have the menu cemented down yet, but it won’t change, and no, nobody needs to bring anything, just like I don’t bring anything per her request when she hosts. But every day she calls and asks, and I sort of blew up at her today. It’s frustrating enough for ME not to know, but it’s even harder when I’m constantly asked. Am I being rude? Is there anything I can say to ease her mind?

Mom, I answered these questions when we talked on Tuesday. Gotta go - taking Larlo to a friend's house. Bye! Do this every time.

Are you only celebrating one, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? We do both and always had a BIL with a job that had to work holidays. He was there when he could be there. Sometimes we adjusted a meal time based on his schedule but we always still had the holiday. I understand why your mom wants to know the plans.

DH historically has to work holidays, or be on call. I just roll with my plans. I hate keeping others in this uncertain place waiting to see what will happen. Just plan an Xmas Eve thing and a Christmas Day thing. This doesn’t seem too hard. Either way, your DH will be included in one of them and you don’t keep other family members wondering. It really is annoying. I also find your mom annoying for pestering you about it so much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send her a text every morning. “Hi Mom. Bob still doesn’t know what his schedule is. And I’m working on the menu. If you call, I will screen it. If you text about this, i will ignore. Again, I will update you as soon as I have more information. Have a great day.”

How lovely.

Actually it’s kind. Clear is kind.

“The menu THING is the same because mom doesn’t need to BRING anything” ugh, typos

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I would want to know if my Christmas plans were on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. OP's mom is taking it too far, but it's the one day of the year I couldn't be "whatever" about. I know OP and DH can't control when the schedule is confirmed but this week or next? I'd be annoyed too, the difference is I would hound anyone about it.

I kind of agree. I also don’t understand why you can’t just plan and if your DH comes great, if not….what you won’t celebrate? Do you only get together once? I guess I’d be annoyed to not know my plans either. My parents will go to one kid for Christmas Eve and then we do a big family Christmas Day. If my brother couldn’t host Christmas Eve I would to know so I could offer to host my parents instead. You are kind of assuming they have nothing better to do besides deal with your husband’s schedule

NP I think it’s pretty reasonable for OP to base her holiday planning on what works for her nuclear family (waiting and being flexible) vs her mom (choosing a plan now even if that means DH misses Christmas with his family).

If mom has other holiday offers she needs to accept or decline, the adult thing is for her to go ahead and accept and tell OP that she would rather have a firm plan with cousin Judy than live with the agony of waiting. Or she can prioritize spending the holiday with her daughter and grandkids and accept that she won’t know until they know exactly how that will look. OP pretty clearly gave her mom the timeline of when they will know the schedule, so mom has the info she needs to decide whether waiting that long works for her or not.

The option her mom is choosing: accept a invitation that comes with the caveat of not having fixed plans yet and then obsessively pester the host for information that she was explicitly told they will not have this week—that is rude and a bit crazy.

The menu this is the same bc OP has told her mother she does not need to being anything. It would be rude if OP was telling her “I’ll let you know in mid December whether to roast a duck or make cookies,” but she is just not announcing the menu that OP is going to serve weeks in advance. If you went to a dinner party, would you call the host daily to find out what they were serving? No. Because it’s rude and weird.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I would want to know if my Christmas plans were on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. OP's mom is taking it too far, but it's the one day of the year I couldn't be "whatever" about. I know OP and DH can't control when the schedule is confirmed but this week or next? I'd be annoyed too, the difference is I would hound anyone about it.

I kind of agree. I also don’t understand why you can’t just plan and if your DH comes great, if not….what you won’t celebrate? Do you only get together once? I guess I’d be annoyed to not know my plans either. My parents will go to one kid for Christmas Eve and then we do a big family Christmas Day. If my brother couldn’t host Christmas Eve I would to know so I could offer to host my parents instead. You are kind of assuming they have nothing better to do besides deal with your husband’s schedule

Try to figure out what is driving her behavior. Do you have any insight on that?

Maybe focusing on that and talking to her about that can help you approach it with more kindness and patience. And maybe nip her anxiety in the bud.