Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 12:59     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t make enough to outsource anything

He’s one of those over educated absent minded professor types who don’t do well in the real world and get paid peanuts once they finally graduate in their mid 30s.


Yet he is "great at his job"?
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 12:56     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Anonymous wrote:He doesn’t make enough to outsource anything

He’s one of those over educated absent minded professor types who don’t do well in the real world and get paid peanuts once they finally graduate in their mid 30s.


Why did you marry him and have kids with him?
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 12:52     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s sexism OP. Welcome to the patriarchy. He doesn’t do them because he does not care, because he knows you will pick up the slack.

I suggest therapy so he can hear that these things need to change. Trust me when I say this will corrode your relationship and you will end up divorced. He needs to hear that.

All that said … he may be unable or unwilling to handle administrative tasks. So you’ll need to figure out other things he can do to get his side of the household labor up to a fair level.

If he still won’t do it, then I suggest a post-nup to protect your savings and so that you can effectively pay yourself for the additional work you do.


Good luck to today's men getting married. I hope they hire 10,000 therapists to teach them how to make sure they ensure absolute GENDER EQUALITY when they decide to get married because they will be watched like hawks. Any misstep will be seen from a sexist/Patriarchic lance.


You don’t need hawk eyes or a bird brain to make a child’s Dr appt you agreed to make, or clear crumbs and dirty plate from the table, or read your emails from your kids school, doctors or your own wife.

You need to acknowledge you’re in an adult situation and decide to start being an adult. Or you owe bow out. Yours making everyone else suffer from your lack of effort, reliability and honesty. Go bow out and hit the Easy Button with some bimbo. And never have kids
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:57     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Anonymous wrote:It’s sexism OP. Welcome to the patriarchy. He doesn’t do them because he does not care, because he knows you will pick up the slack.

I suggest therapy so he can hear that these things need to change. Trust me when I say this will corrode your relationship and you will end up divorced. He needs to hear that.

All that said … he may be unable or unwilling to handle administrative tasks. So you’ll need to figure out other things he can do to get his side of the household labor up to a fair level.

If he still won’t do it, then I suggest a post-nup to protect your savings and so that you can effectively pay yourself for the additional work you do.


Good luck to today's men getting married. I hope they hire 10,000 therapists to teach them how to make sure they ensure absolute GENDER EQUALITY when they decide to get married because they will be watched like hawks. Any misstep will be seen from a sexist/Patriarchic lance.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:31     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
"My husband is supposed to be the one making my 3 year old daughter's doctor's appointments etc."

What did he say when you mentioned that he missed it?
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:30     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
He doesn’t make enough to outsource anything

He’s one of those over educated absent minded professor types who don’t do well in the real world and get paid peanuts once they finally graduate in their mid 30s.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:29     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Husband goes to work. Work pays husband. Husband pays people to keep house. Don't skip the last stuff.

You might discover that husband can't afford whatever toys he thought he could afford.

> Today I discovered that our homeowners insurance has lapsed, and we didn't pay the full balance on 2 credit cards (we have the cash but autopay is set for minimums) out of negligence, and we unnecessarily paid interest.

Stop going out of your way to create problems for yourself.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:29     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Just outsource more things so you can take care of admin tasks. Or move to part time so you can do extra things yourself. He’s not going to change, stop expecting him to.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:27     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's secretly panicking about the baby and that causes him paralysis.

If you haven't tasked him with specific things very clearly, do it now. "Joe. Make her vaccination appointment. It is your job and I need you to get it done."


No

He’s not thinking a damn thing. Except about himself.

He gosh darn went and got married and made kids but never adapts or grows or steps up for the new adult situation.

Who cares why? He cannot or will not behave like an adult spouse or parent or home owner.

Absolutely get therapy and start getting him aware of normal expectations. He needs to grow up and step up.

But if instead he gets angry and mad at you, buckle up…. You also may have married a bonafide A-hole whose mommy raised him to do nothing and to believe he’s better than everyone else. Especially women.


I married one of those. It is never their fault and they never take responsibility for their bad behaviors or decisions or carelessness. The mom, dad, brothers, and H always blame someone else.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:25     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Anonymous wrote:It is a tale as old as time. Men love to hide behind work because it's an excuse their wife cannot falsify.

You need to really get in his face about it. Do not let him slack off or avoid the conversation. It may feel like nagging, and it may feel like too much effort, and it will make him angry and defensive. But drawing some hard lines right here, right now, will save your marriage in the long run.

Communicate to him that it's about reliability. Tell him you need to be able to count on him that he will do what he says he will do. Tell him you're not able to pick up his slack. Tell him either he steps up and is reliable, or you will make a marriage counseling appointment.


And then he calls you a B and ignores you and everything even more. Cuz now he’s a victim; a victim of his B wife.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:24     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's secretly panicking about the baby and that causes him paralysis.

If you haven't tasked him with specific things very clearly, do it now. "Joe. Make her vaccination appointment. It is your job and I need you to get it done."


No

He’s not thinking a damn thing. Except about himself.

He gosh darn went and got married and made kids but never adapts or grows or steps up for the new adult situation.

Who cares why? He cannot or will not behave like an adult spouse or parent or home owner.

Absolutely get therapy and start getting him aware of normal expectations. He needs to grow up and step up.

But if instead he gets angry and mad at you, buckle up…. You also may have married a bonafide A-hole whose mommy raised him to do nothing and to believe he’s better than everyone else. Especially women.


Ugh. Always a woman blamed for a man’s bad behavior.


Whelp, let’s hear about the MIL then. Maybe she can help.
She could take her son back for a 6 month training program and then re-release him with some adult skills and family priorities.

And yes FIL can do half of it.

If they all fail, divorce.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:22     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t have the second kid.

Seriously.

Have an accident


You want to kill a baby because their Dad is incompetent on the home front? You are sick


Send it for adoption?

But I dont think the ManChild is a good reason here.

I wish he made a decent income or more income so that you could hire more adult help in the house. You are definitely down a man with someone conceited and clueless like him.

Talk with some lawyers about what divorce and coparenting would look like. Save your sanity.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:22     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He's secretly panicking about the baby and that causes him paralysis.

If you haven't tasked him with specific things very clearly, do it now. "Joe. Make her vaccination appointment. It is your job and I need you to get it done."


No

He’s not thinking a damn thing. Except about himself.

He gosh darn went and got married and made kids but never adapts or grows or steps up for the new adult situation.

Who cares why? He cannot or will not behave like an adult spouse or parent or home owner.

Absolutely get therapy and start getting him aware of normal expectations. He needs to grow up and step up.

But if instead he gets angry and mad at you, buckle up…. You also may have married a bonafide A-hole whose mommy raised him to do nothing and to believe he’s better than everyone else. Especially women.


Ugh. Always a woman blamed for a man’s bad behavior.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:20     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Don’t have the second kid.

Seriously.

Have an accident


You want to kill a baby because their Dad is incompetent on the home front? You are sick


Two kids with a ManChild will do her in.

Plus one or more of them might inherit his mental and capability problems. And kids always sink to the lower denominator parent. So enjoy decades of that crap.
Anonymous
Post 12/04/2023 11:19     Subject: Please help - Husband who only prioritizes job
Anonymous wrote:You've taught him over and over that you will catch the balls he drops. Now you need to break that pattern. Since you're the one who allowed the bad habit, and you're the one who wants to change things, you need to communicate it VERY clearly to him. He doesn't get it.


Separating and divorcing the deadweight will solve half your problems. It won’t make a professor and narcissist see how his actions brought the demise of trust, the relationship and the marriage. But he can be some other slave woman’s problem.